House of God

House is a medical show that's I've been watching a lot lately. It's basically about a doc and his team trying to solve the etiology of difficult cases (9pm on Sunday nights at Fox). I like to think that I'm an objective person, but sometimes I really wonder if I'm always looking through my rose-colored fob fendi glasses. For example, almost everyone I know hates Dr. House, the protagonist in the show. He is kind of a personal hero to me. I admit that he can be a dick sometimes, but it's usually directed at people who deserve it. He knows a lot of crap and he tells it like it is...he tells people things that they don't want to hear because it'll help them. Often times the character is thrown into situations with conflicting interests...he always goes with what is right, rather than what the average preson would do. I know that "right" is subjective, but I'm going to ignore post-modern thought for the time being. This may mean telling the truth even if someone he cares about might be negatively impacted by this decision. (Yes, I know there is a conflict of micro-management of values here). Personally, if a buddy of mine did something stupid to someone, I'd harass and make fun of the person hurt, then reprimand my friend in private. I choose not to take sides against a buddy even if I know if he is wrong.

When I'm more honest with myself, I like House a lot because I can relate to the character. Not that I'm an arrogant bastard, although I can be a dick at times...eg. drawing a penis on a woman with testicular shaped thyroid enlargement. Anyhow I keep thinking of an episode where House keeps avoiding his parents. He and his parents have a love-hate relationship. House is extremely accomplished, but on a deep psychological level, he hates himself. Essentially unfulfilled with what life has to offer. His father hates seeing him because it's torture...seeing your child living a miserable existance. Makes the father feel that he has failed the child at some level. I always think back to junior high and high school. Damn...I was a depressed little child...just downright miserable. I'm really scared that my kids will turn out like that. I don't know if I can live with myself knowing that I brought life into this world and they end up being depressed...brought them into this world to achieve personal self-actualization via child rearing. I guess that's a cynical way of looking at it. I know children are resilient, but everything about fatherhood frightens me. I know a lot of people don't believe in god, but he is real to me. I was baptized as an infant. Most people don't take it very seriously, but I take it very seriously. It's a promise to raise my child in a godly manner...not in the way that supports discriminating people who are weak...but feeding the hungry, feeding the soul and mind...teaching others to grow to love other people. I always believed in that shit, but it's become really hard to believe. there are a lot of freaking stupid people in this world...and it's depressing. I always talk about how I hate talking about my feelings and shit. At some psychological level, I know that it's because I feel a failure on my part as a provider. I didn't make them lose weight, exercise, or fix their diabetes. I feel sorry for these people...I really do. I wish I could help them, but I know I can't. I haven't even started any real medicine yet, but I look at it as a personal failure...perhaps that's why I'm so turned off by primary care.

I guess I'm a messed up kid. I've been wondering why it bothers me so much when I recognize faults in other people. On a conscious level, I loathe their weakness. In my subconscious, I despise the weakness in myself. It reminds me of all of my personal failures. It reminds me of my awkward relationship with christianity. The church teaches that Jesus loves and accepts you for who you are, but sees the great potential for growth in each individual. I've never really been able to accept grace my whole life. All my life, I've clawed my way to the top. Success was an option, failure not. That's why I hate christianity...it reminds me of my shortcomings as a human being. Nobody is perfect. In my earlier years, I thought that if I worked hard enough I could be. I didn't take communion for years because I felt that I didn't deserve it. I always knew in my heart that I was holding a grudge, being deceitful, chasing ass, etc. I don't think these things are necessarily wrong, but I carried an intense personal guilt for the longest time. I couldn't take communion until I had cleansed myself of these weaknesses. However, by doing so, I failed to recognize the purpose of communion. Communion is a spiritually cleansing activity that reminds one that all have fallen short. Religion should be a beautiful thing in that it provides everyone with a chance to look deep within their souls and search for meaning and purpose. It should provide a chance for introspection, always with the purpose of making one a better person. In a lot of ways, it's become a lot like what I've become. Taking individual short-comings and directing that self-hate at weaker people who are perceived to be sinners. Lets be honest with ourselves...whether you're a great dane or a little poon chihuahua, we're all dogs.

Bending in the wind...

p.s. please excuse the Simpsons/Fox reference