There must be more

Cole Porter is playing in the background...


In the still of the night
as I gaze from my window
at the moon in its flight
my thoughts all stray to you.

In the still of the night
while the world is in slumber,
oh, the times without number,
darling, when I say to you

"Do you love me as I love you?
Are you my life-to-be, my dream come true?"
Or will this dream of mine
fade out of sight

like the moon growing dim
on the rim of the hill
in the chill still of the night?

This takes me on a tangent away from my initial thought, but De-lovely was the most depressing movie I have ever experienced in my entire life. I had a hard time watching in the end...the movie made me feel a vast emptiness...a crushing loneliness. I can't explain it. It just hurt.

...it's 1:46am. I guess it's not that late. I've been trying to fall asleep for the last hour or so. For the life of me, I can't fall asleep. In the silence of my bedroom, I was haunted by ghosts from my past. Memories of people that I knew, or didn't know. Thoughts of who I thought they were. Memories of who I thought I was. I'm haunted by a life unfulfilled. One that will will fade out of sight...like a falling star. A flicker, and it's gone. I cling to a lot of painful memories...on nights like this I'm reminded that I have a lot of scars from my past. All the things that I was destined to do, to be...were they just dreams?

What is deja vu? I was studying on my bed looking at pictures of pediatric orthopaetics, and I could've sworn that I've dreamt of doing this about a year ago. What does any of it mean? I had a dream about going camping as kid...two years later I ended up at a group camping site. I'd never been to the place before, but I knew the layout of the camp and knew where specific structures were. Maybe there are memories floating from a past life...parallel universe, who knows? What does it all mean? Sometimes I wonder what it's trying to tell me. Perhaps it's God telling me that all this is just a rat race...look beyond the maze and the treat at the end. That's not my purpose. The church tells me that I was made to praise God. How come I'm unhappy doing what I was made to do...to the point of aversion.

LD is hard. How far is China? Right now, it feels further than heaven. I spent an hour playing FIFA against the computer today. I was manchester united and the comp was China. I was so angry for some reason...I just played game after game, pounding and humiliating China. I guess the last laugh is on me. Her ghost is with me. I feel her presence...it mocks me. Like the scent of warm apple pie in the air, leaving just a memory...leaving a lasting hunger.

There's something missing in my life...I'm just not quite sure what it is. I'm rambling...Joe, I apologize for wasting 10 minutes of your life.

Bender - insomniac