It happened today, now it's time to move on

Because of the events that took place over the last month or so, I've been a little out of it. The stable life that I had created in my mind was knocked out from under me and I was left feeling like I lacked a foundation. I had pegged much of who I was on someone else, and that was stupid. I'm not very good about letting it out or letting go, but I guess it was bound to come out sooner or later. With moving, being shit tired and all the stuff going on inside of my head, I fell apart today. It was a rather inopportune time I do admit. The med school hosted a fancy ass wine tasting event and charity auction to fundraise for the student run auctions. It's an incredibly important and noble event, but I wasn't having none of it. After a string of bad conversations, I was constantly reminded of what I missed in my life, but more importantly, I went back to an earlier stage in development. In retrospect, it was rather amusing. I went back a couple of defensive stages and became the scared shitless little kid that I was in high school. I couldn't play it cool, all the small stupid shit became exaggerated in my head and I just had to get the hell out of there. So I took off...walking down the street with an empty wine glass in my hand. It was kind of nice being out, didn't want to be around people, yet I couldn't help but feel incredibly alone. After following a lady for about 100 meters while she did lunges, all the while walking her dog, I saw a car parked illegally on the side of a major highway. My boys (literally and figuratively) were driving around looking for my lame ass. They missed out on a great event, skipped out on schmoozing with important ass people and drove my ass over to grab some coffee and some fries with peach ketchup. They didn't give me shit as I cried like a little bitch and they just went on with it...everything was played cool...and as the night wore on, it did become cool. The night ended with a viewing of the 40 year old virgin, and it was very apropo. Asia's heat of the moment played and some things were let go. It's interesting how clear things are in hindsight...20/20 hindsight vision shit. It's true...when you're under a lot of pressure and stress...you break down and can't handle really simple shit, like schmooze at functions. You do stupid shit and then you kick yourself, rather than picking up the ball and continuing the game. I can't be more than who I am. I walked into tonight with a handful of friends and I walked away with a handful of friends. Thanks. Looking back on high school, I got a lot of shit done. I didn't really build a lot of relationships at that time...grades, SAT's and all that bullshit. It's important and it's responsible for where I am today. However, I saw a lot of sad insecure docs at today's function. You know what, I'd rather be a happy FP doc, chilling with my loved ones grilling up some ribs over some mesquite. A big thanks to law, dave and ags. And Joe, you've had my back from the getgo. Fuck everyone else, this is where I wanna be.

-Bender