I wonder what it is... something is eating away at me and it's eating away real bad. So much bad has happened lately... yet I feel nothing. The things I enjoyed so much... mean nada. It was weird... I gave up drinking Coke, my most treasured beverage and vice.. I thought it would be hard but after about 3 days I could careless. I've given up Coke before and it was impossible, I'd break or cave within a week, maybe two. This time, I feel no urge for anything. Videogames were something that would be synonymous with my name and now.. I feel no urge to play and when I do force myself... no enjoyment. I've even tested the theory, got some new games... NADA.
My friends try to hook me up with girls.. they set up the whole thing... got the girls waiting on me and... I bail. When I see the girls again later my response to them and the guys is simple, It didn't sound fun and when we are hanging out talking shit... I'm forcing those smiles, I'm forcing that laugh, I'm forcing myself to be Paul.
I don't know what it is, but I hope to snap out of it, and I'm banking that starting school will change this fucking shit I'm trudging through. I am starting to feel numb, so many people have left me in the past month... so many bad things have happened to those I love and after it's all said and done, I'm perfectly content and fine.
I'm losing my edge, I'm losing what it is that makes me Paul. Recently had a conversation with Bender... and for the first time I was forcing myself to say things just because it's what I would "normally" say. I feel bad because... in a way I just lied to my best friend, but at the same time I don't want him to worry about me because he has so much shit to worry about. I hope this fire gets lit and gets lit soon.
I wouldn't worry though... I'm the toughest son of a bitch I've ever met. I'll survive... and if I don't, then it'll all be over and I won't have to worry too much about it then.(sarcasm... don't get all worried or anything)
On the bright side, I've stuck to my diet... haven't ate at any fast food, and haven't drank a soda. WOOT!! I limit myself to one bad day a week where I can eat one bad meal and that's that. BUT no soda... no matter what.. until I am happy with restoring my willpower.
Joe is getting numb and hoping something will light the fire.
joe, one thing that I've learned this week is that you've gotta take care of yourself. It's hard to care when you're tired, hungry, burned out, whatever. You know what I mean? Take care of #1 first, then you can start taking care of everyone else. When I go down, we'll just chill at the beach and just shut the fuck up.
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