3 day weekend...so nice

Took my bike out and took a mini tour de Sacto. It was refreshing to catch some nice taildrafts and breeze through the pavement.

On the not so nice side...It's only been a week and I'm dreading going in tomorrow. What we see of medicine from the outside is not how it actually works. We aren't judged on how caring we are and not even necessarily on the level of care we provide to our patients. A lot of it has to do with how much evaluators like you or how well you present yourself. My understanding is that half of the doctors on the best doctors in _____ are great, and the other half are tools. In addition, there is a distinct schism in medicine. Your classmates quickly become doctors that you'd trust with the lives of your children, and doctors that you wouldn't trust to treat your cold.

How ought we produce good doctors? Certain mechanisms are in place to filter out egregious offenders like our super med buddy. What do we do to protect ourselves from becoming bitter docs. My intern is a very pretty gal and I'm sure that she'll get far. However, it's unnerving when she makes sly comments like "your help only increases my workload," then smiles. I can't stand the fake high-pitched "how are you Mrs. so-and-so" every time she comes in to check on my patients. She really doesn't give a fuck, and it shows in that she sighs and throws a shit fit every time I insist on changing drug regimens, dressings, etc. to make my patient more comfortable. For the love of God woman, just sign the damn note. I realize that none of us are immune to the system that is in place. When you're really tired...I mean worn down to the bones, you can relate to the "House of God" mentality where you pray that your patient dies before you get to him so that you don't have to work them up.

Our patients are you and me. They're not fucking livestock or customers. They're human beings and they're scared shitless. Why is it so hard for us as a community to look beyond our needs and wants to meet the obvious needs of our patients? Maybe it's because docs get paid so much in our country, prestige, the high cost of medical school...I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want the 6 figure salary, white fence, big house in the suburbs, trophy wife and 2.5 kids plus dog. But shit...my colleagues are so obsessed with achieving, being the best, performing and all that shit. I have close friends who I don't wish to work with because I know they'll inadvertantly shoot me down. I mean fuck, is it that important to you? Honors is a letter after your name. What the hell is honor anyway? Why does honor in medicine seem to lack integrity, compassion and all those things we regard as honorable to the point where I mock honor in medicine as a shell, or veneer of prestige that encompasses my profession. We have a system that rewards subpar care to our patients. I really believe that.

As a callout to fellow physicans/students. Why are we as a community so fucking bitter? Is our job that tough? Do we clean shit, clean puke, hand feed our patients, give them sponge baths, massage them? We don't actually care for our patients. The nurses do all the dirty work, and I promise you, most of them make less and are generally much more pleasant people than the doctors. They're good people. We write orders and push drugs, yet why are we so quick to bitch? In our essays, we proclaim the virtues of compassion and that one interaction with a patient that broke our hearts. It's all such bullshit. We think we're better people than the nurses, than other people in general. We have this culture of entitlement and egocentricism that is really rather sickening. When we buy into it, we are rewarded.

My soul is threadbare and I need someone who is genuinely loving. I need a hug and a sunburn. The race has only begun.

-bender