Faces

Looking back in my life, I was never cool per se, but I have always been pretty comfortable with the person I was, or at least trying to become. During the hustle and bustle of everything lately, I've kind of lost myself...

Rock climbing this afternoon was the perfect metaphor for medicine. Crawl up the side of a mountain, come back down, and do it all over again. Albeit, I got to climb Princess Leah, giggidy giggidy ALRITE, but that's beside the point. Anyhow, I had a great time relaxing today with a couple of classmates. After climbing, we grabbed a bite to eat and sat around chit chatting. In a lot of ways, we tried to validate ourselves and our existence. We talked about setting aside time for ourselves and activities to make us more well rounded people. To make us more than just med students, or at least a saner version.

Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? I guess I am. Sometimes, I'm unsure of what to do with myself. Lately, my schedules have been so structured that I'm thrown off course when I have some free time. I end up wasting it doing something silly because I seriously have no idea what to do with myself. I used to like to play my guitar and ride my bike...at least I think I used to. Will it make me more sane to spend a few days each week with my classmates? I mean...it's the same people, right? Perhaps in a different environment. I feel that we're secure, but we are constantly plugging ourselves into the next inner circle, and then onto the next....med school, residency, fellowship, attending. You know, I bet it's rather lonely at the top. You have more peers if you let yourself out earlier. At each level, it becomes a little more difficult for people understand us. It's not because our lives are so hard or so complex. Rather, it's literally a different world. I have a hard time paying for my groceries at the supermarket and interacting normally with the checker because it becomes so foreign to me after I spend a few weeks chugging away at the medical machine.

It's funny. I make a lot of mistakes and I am generally incompetent. I try not to mess up and try to be more like the intern. Then the resident, attending, etc. The funny part is, there's probably some undergrad out there who wants to be like me. Yet, not a day goes by that I can barely stand to be myself. I wonder if the residents and attendings feel that way.

Little by little, I see myself becoming less like normal people. I use different words, look at things differently and often use a machine like approach to something that should be very personal. I can try to deny this is happening by going out drinking, grilling up some small animals with friends, or even charming a few young ladies. eh.

A lot of doctors, professionals in general, lead two different lives. One with their family and one for work. It's kind of hard to mix the two because they're like oil and water. I think that's what I miss about dating. I miss trying out new restaurants and focusing on that moment. I miss the little arguments about which road to take when we're lost. In a way, that's why I act like a retard at inappropriate times. It's a silly rebellion. I know that I'm being groomed into a polished professional, but god, I'm gonna go kicking and screaming. I feel like all of my idiosyncracies, my piccadillos are being ironed out of me...like little imperfections. I know we are not allowed to get mad or be crude. But for crying out loud, it's what makes us human. It's what puts the beat into our hearts and the bounce in our steps. It's what put the love and care about our patients inside us in the first place.

I know I'm rambling, but I just can't help feeling like a part of me is drowning. When I meet new people now, I know I'm boring. I can put on a little shimmy for them, but that's it.

I know that I've still got it in me. I just can't stop smiling sometimes. Today, when Dr. Wallach, my uro/gyn attending, who is hot by the way, said we want our patients pooping logs and not rabbit pellets, I couldn't stop giggling for 10 minutes. When I wink at residents, I can see it in their eyes...a silent understanding. We all need to hold onto the pieces of us that make us unique. It's like we're all living incognito under the guise of medicine.

I've been waiting my entire life to do this. I'm gonna smile, carry a tune and keep up that chin.

These are the faces that we wear...

-bender