this blog actually took 9 hours to write, sorry for the breaks in between

You don't know how much I need you
While you're near me I don't feel blue
And when we kiss I know you need me too
I can't believe I've found a love that's so pure and true

But it all was bullshit
It was a goddamn joke
And when I think of you ****
I hope you fuckin' choke

I hope you're glad with what you've done to me
I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy
You left me here all alone, tears running constantly

Oh somebody kill me please
Somebody kill me please
I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please
Kill me
I want to die
Put a bullet in my head...

HOURS LATER

So I decided to give up drinking, I've decided not to go to NY despite pressure from my family. Everyone makes their own choices, and has to deal with their choices. I may be an asshole for doing so but I feel like something bad will come to me if I go to NY. At least right now, I feel I've waited long enough on my dream and can't waste much more time. I busted my ass and chopped my hands up fixing Aeris and she needs to go out and play.

I think my goals keep getting dropkicked in the teeth and it annoys me. I look around me and see compromise and it pisses me off. I have to call and setup an interview with Industry Hills soon. I still haven't made up my mind about UCLA and I guess that's mostly because it's hard saying No to my dad when I know he only wants what he thinks is best for me. The thing that eats me up is I love that school and that idea, I just feel they are better suited for someone else. I can't say I wouldn't enjoy the lavish lifestyle that John and David had when I was interning for them but I can't help but feel that I would only be settling.

Hours later (actually after harry potter)

I spent the afternoon upset, trying to be happy about a trivial victory I had with Aeris. The thing that bothers me is that I have this huge void in my chest right now. It hurts, and has hurt so badly since saturday evening. I wish I knew what flipped the switch, but I don't.

Had an unexpected phone call from Bender, I kinda wanted to rip it out in the open but I decided to let it linger a bit. Try and figure it out, I mean there is no sense in saying... I'm hurting, and hurting so bad I haven't slept in 3 days BUT I don't know why. It'd be a pretty retarded conversation that would probably have him scratching his head calling me retarded. And I wouldn't blame him, I have the advantage yet I linger, I sway, back and forth.

I started to wonder, and figure out what it is that is bothering me. Then it hit me, it's me... and it's my mom.

I am becoming her, not settling down, not compromising. Jumping from industry to industry and never blossoming. Enjoying the moment and never setting myself up for success.

I wonder if that is the reason my father gave up on me, he saw too much of my mother in me.

The worst part is my mom was never "the sharpest tool in the shed" so she didn't have that big dream, that grand image and detailed sketch of what could be. Her lifestyle is fitting for her because it is who she is. The thing that bothers me is I got the vision from my dad, the ideals, the tools... to be something. Yet my personality fought with me every step of the way.

I love both my parents, and thank them for their character strengths and flaws they gave me. I just wonder if I can be normal like everyone else, suck it up, and stop being a bitch and do what I was destined to do.

Fuck... did I choose the wrong time to stop drinking.

-joe