i'm tired...

So I'm a little over half way through my medicine rotation. I'm pretty tired, not so much physically. I'm emotionally and mentally drained. I have this inner dread that I'm going to go into internal medicine and it's strange. The work isn't terrible, and I really enjoy working with the other docs in medicine. However, I easily see myself getting tired of working with all the delirious/demented old folks and the morbidly obese who can't seem to put the burger/cigarette down. Judge me for losing my compassion and love for the underprivileged, but I'm not so sure that it's what I want in my cards anymore. Every day I think about quitting, but every day I also can't think of anything else that I'd rather be doing. It isn't so much that medicine has been knocking my socks off every day, but I just can't think of anything that really floats my boat at this point in my life.

Medicine has a way of burning you and chipping away at you. The same thing happened when I was on gyn/onc and peds/onc. I get really attached to my patients and I invariably come in after hours to spend time with them. Nothing really gets done in that time and I get to hear them let loose all the stuff that's going on in their lives. Then things happen, they never remember me in the morning and I end up feeling used when I hear them say "hey you, go fetch me a blanket."

There are lots of warm fuzzy feelings, but I get the sense that those are far and few between, especially during your intern year. You're just trying to get all of your work done, fighting with the nurses to get the tests they need and keep your patients from getting snowed overnight. I'm gonna stop pretending that I love medicine and I love getting in tune with my feelings. Sometimes I just wanna sit back, drink beer and watch the ball game. Actually, it's most of the time. I want to swear and laugh at vulgar jokes. This isn't to say that you can't do this in medicine...I'm just tired of feeling evaluated every minute of the day. Ugh...just a few more months.

-bender