Hmm, so I'm going into the kitchen soon. But also finding a lot of different possibilities outside the restaurant business that would be appealing to me. I am very torn over my dream of opening that restaurant and my dream of a family. I am a big pussy when it comes to my unrelenting desire to belong to something. For 25 years and counting I've had no family really, my grandma is probably the only constant in my life. So when I was managing my aunts restaurant, well it was a well taken care of establishment that was over it's bad times.
Do I have the time to pursue that same goal, or will it cost me my one true goal? I haven't talked about it but it's something constantly on my mind. I love this business, I love this area of study. It's the only thing that has made me feel valid in the world. Everyone needs to eat, and everyone wants to eat for pleasure not necessity. You don't need tv, you don't need this, you don't need that. You do that shit because it's fun and you prioritize your likes and dislikes. Food, you need it to live, so we as a society have "fufu'ed" it up to make it more pleasurable and less of a necessity. I feel like every part of it is so significant, from the inspectors, to the line cooks, to the servers, to the hosts. It all serves it's insane purpose and it all has a history that I can trace and relate to. I find myself intrigued by it all, and the kitchen doesn't enthrall me but the bakery does. I love sweets and I love the things you can do with them. I'm known as a doughmonkey by my colleagues but you know what. It by no means is a reflection on my skills in the kitchen or my knife cuts. It was hilarious because last night we had a plate that required knife cuts, and I was the only one who the chef commended. I was also the first guy to quickly prepare and correctly plate all the food to the chef. How about that for a doughmonkey? hehe... how do you like them eclairs (I know, horrible good will hunting reference).
So it seems the cat is out of the bag in regards to myself and this mysterious girl I've been hanging out with. I sometimes wonder why it all happened like this but than I remember that It was necessary. I can't fight destiny, and I can't fight reality. I'm not saying this was my destiny, that I should be hers and her mine. I'm saying that it is what it is. She's here now, not later, so this is how it was to be. It's the reality of it and neither of us is going to lie about it. At the same time I'm in no rush to get hurt and in no rush to hurt her so I'll be going a day at a time. I sometimes scare her and myself with how well we can read each other. There have been times where a good portion of a conversation remains unsaid but perfectly understood by both.
Herein lies the problem now, this girl is the best thing I've come across other than myself. Cuz let's not be stupid, if you don't love yourself you can't expect to love another. But she is very self conscious, and such a loving person she would never stand in the way of another or their dream. Even if it meant she could not have what she wants. She is that much of a sweetheart and I just adore her for that. Boring nights are no longer boring and well... she's to thank for that. Her random mind enchants me and causes me to lose track of time, hours become minutes and minutes seconds, days are hours and everything is becoming a blur. After I separate myself from this and think, I know what I must do, but I'm scared to tell her for fear she may turn away. Not because she doesn't want to be there for me, but because she may feel like she's the reason. And she'd be right, very right... but at the same time she'd be so wrong and that is why I feel the need to just hide my feelings. But at the same time its impossible to hide stuff from her. I have given her all my thoughts, but not consecutively, and part of me hopes she doesn't figure it out yet.
When I explained my deepest concerns for myself and why I quit the pursuit of the law career. She accepted it readily and never found fault in anything I said. But at the same time when I imagine the conversation I fear bringing up with her, I feel like she'll turn away. And it scares me, because well... I don't know.
Am I lying to myself, do I love the kitchen? Do I want that ugliness of starting a restaurant? Can I do it all? I don't know... but I do know. I've always thought I was the shit, and didn't care about what others say. Now, for the first time, I felt like I was shit, but others see something different. I guess the best part about all of this, is that I have time. 2 years should be enough time, and the worst part is... this girl is so close to me, she knows this. She sees the inner struggle in me, she sees that I'm fighting the desire to get caught up in that lifestyle despite that well... I've got the right head if I wanted to succeed doing it. Part of her may be torn because maybe she doesn't want that life, and maybe its keeping her from telling me what she thinks. The scariest part of this entire thing is, it's totally unspoken but completely out in the open.
It's hard for me to say I suck at cooking now, when I get recommendations from some of the respectable chefs at school to work at some of the nicest places in the west side and LA. It's hard for me to look her in the eye and say, I don't want to do it, because... fuck, I've never walked away from being the best before and this would be another notch on the belt if I could do it. At the same time, argh... the thoughts of my desire for a family... fuck man... this sucks. Then the whole money thing comes in, opening a restaurant... scarier than hell. Also, very time consuming, and well... only about 8% last more than 2 years after opening... and after that 8% move on, only about 20% make a good amount of money to warrant sacrificing your life and family for the life of luxury, the other ones just give you the opportunity to be your own boss. Not to say that out of those 8% that survive only 70 some odd % will last 5 years. DAMN... read that again, and tell me, is it worth it? Probably not, but am I weak for walking away? Am I weak for choosing that just for the pure fact that I love to beat insurmountable odds for the mere fact of knowing that I did it?
The scary thing is I have so many other things stacking on top of me, my family's expectations, my desire to feel validated by outdueling my dad and the mere fact that I want to keep the name Paul going on strong like my grandfather. That guy was a champ in so many ways that it's scary and I feel like I'm about a spec in comparison.
Yeah, you may read this or may not Bender. You are so busy it's damn near impossible to know whats going on in your head. It's damn near impossible to know if you are doing ok up there but I hope you are. And I hope you know, that despite this post, despite me sounding like I'm some lost fucking soul.... I am happy. She's not even my girlfriend, haven't even kissed her and probably won't for a long fucking time, but she lets me be me. I have never lied to her and even when I stay quiet because i'd rather not lie or tell her the truth, she knows it. I'm pretty sure that it all manifested back then but you know what, I did nothing wrong. It was funny cuz I told her how I felt, and she didn't question it, she acceptd it because she already knows it. She's the first person who feels me, I don't have to necessarily talk so much as just be there.
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