Can't shake it

Biker Billy's death is bothering me a lot. He was in the biking lane, following all the rules, when some shit kid mowed him over. Over 17 thousand posts...man. This guy loved to bike and knew a thing or two about bikes.

I keep thinking back to the summer after my junior year. My running partner from the year I ran cross country, Dennis Loh, fell asleep in his car and passed away on his drive down from Berkeley. Everyone thought I had died and kept calling me to make sure that I was alive. That was strange...Does mourning at a funeral, all the pain...does that affirm that the deceased deserved to walk the earth? Is a live worth only a mourn and a wail, to become a distant memory.

I wonder, what is the purpose of the funeral? To mourn? Remember? What would I want? I guess just some family and a few friends. Cremation...ashes to ashes. Spread at the cliff on the southern end of Zuma Beach in So Cal. I don't want random people at my funeral. If I were looking down, I'd think, Bitch, why you crying? I don't even know you. Shiiiiiit. Or at least I can picture someone saying that.

Man...I wish I were a kid again. When you grow up, you don't do that much more, just worry a lot more. When I was young, I remember a time I was so angry that I decided I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. That lasted until 10:30pm. Why aren't things that simple anymore? My sleep is so sensitive, I sometimes keep myself awake about what type of shampoo to buy. I shit you not.

I guess I'm getting old. Maybe that's why Superman was so popular. Defeat age...defeat all your weakness. I wanna be able to take a bullet and laugh at 50 cents or whoever else took a cheap shot at me. Imagine being able to spin the Earth backwards to save your dead girlfriend. I just thought it'd mess up the Earth's axis and destroy the universe as we know it. Who knew it turns back time. I can see why people take drugs...to feel good. But to feel good without a reason, without the motive...it's all a big lie. I think misery is under-rated. I mean, you can't have a rainbow without the rain.

Then there's the opposite. I remember in high school, our high school newspaper won 1st place at nationals for best newspaper. Everyone was excited, but I wasn't really that happy. I was so burnt out. I was so confused why I wasn't happy. I'm not sure what was missing in my life at that point?

All my life I've been looking for that something something. Looked toward religion, relationships, inwards. I always think of something CS Lewis said. Perhaps the object that can fulfill me is not found in this world...which brings us back to religion. Kind of a catch-22.

All I want is to feel this way
Bender

p.s. I wanted to put this in earlier, but it messed up the flow of my thoughts. When bad things happen, it's a time to feel bad. When people you love pass on by, it's time to mourn. Nothing wrong with that...you don't take a drug to get over that. Wallow in it, because it means that something was there before. Something beautiful...something Good.