following is 2 letters i wrote that I won't be sending... but since I haven't posted I think I will put them up here.

letter 1

yo homeboy. Just want to say thanks for listening to me rant and bitch and whine. Of all my friends you are the only guy who has actually cared about me more than I do sometimes. You have never been scared to tell me something even if it went completely against what I thought or believed. Everything that you are is the complete opposite of me. You will be successful and I'll be a failure, but you never let that change our friendship. For some reason everything I value, you don't... and vice versa... yet somehow we remain brothers.

thanks bro, even when the rest of my world says I'm fucking crazy... you let me know I'm sane... but fucking retarded.

don't ever give up on me... I'll never forgive you if you do.

peace,
paul

Letter two

Hey it's really really really really late, and I haven't even worked out yet. After we hung up I just kinda sat down and thought about stuff. I know you are the last person I should be emailing right now since you barely know me but I guess I just feel like you have a lot in common with me and understand where I'm coming from.

First off, let me apologize if I overstepped any invisible line that might have been there. I should not have been so analytical but I guess I'm just naturally one who subjugates when a problem/or question arises. Out of everyone I've met, none of them have had to endure anything close to what I've dealt with emotionally. Then I met you, and you just tore down my entire belief system, you stood tall and said "WINNER" and it bugged the hell out of me. I was like, damn this girl faced all this adversity and isn't wallowing in self-pity, has no regrets, and enjoys every dang bit of her life. Of course I'm sure you have your flaws, and I'm sure there is a whole other side of Lorene to unmask. But from what I see, bravo... and I thank you.

After we hung up, I called my dad... and had a long conversation with him. Of my entire family, when it comes to success as far as careerwise, no one can compare. I talked with him about what I do, who I am, everything. For the first time, I was honest about who I was, and what I wanted. My entire life I've known what I was born to do, but it wasn't respectable (at least not in my head) enough for my family. I was always held as the golden child, so naturally I had to be the best... some sort of professional. I forced myself into so many bad situations because I wanted to be the one who said "winner". I had this competition with no one, with myself, and if not for recent events... I was going to lose. I'm going to take the next day or two and plan out the next step of what I need to do, but at least I won't be afraid. For this, I thank you...

I was able to talk to you, and tell you things that nobody knows, and you are practically a stranger. I have always been a prejudgemental person, and never trusted anyone... and I trusted you with stories that have been buried deep within me forever. It's weird but the only reason I did it all, is because of any person I ever encountered in my short life... you wanted to hear it. You wanted to hear what a complete stranger had to say, because you found it interesting or related to it. Because I sensed that, I trusted you... and because I was able to trust you, I was able to see... if I could open up to a complete stranger... why can't I talk to my dad, why can't I tell him that since I was 14 I knew what I should be doing but was too ashamed to try. So for the past 6 years I ran away and took the college route because it's the most accepted.

Blah... I'm just ranting now..

thanks coolgirl homiechica....

sincerely,
shortstuff