I haven't posted in a long while...haven't really wanted to talk. In general I've been avoiding people and social situations. I've been needing to retreat a lot to lick my wounds, even though I've healed quite a bit.
The only person I've kicked it with even a lil is my boy rabbit. One of the main reasons that I've been avoiding people is because I've changed...it's kind of hard to explain, but I don't like what I've become, at least for the time being. It's almost like I'm watching someones else make an ass of himself. After the schism, I've been trying to pick up the pieces of who I was. So much of who I was and wanted to be was shared with Mo. Seriously, I have a hard time remembering what I brought into the relationship and what she taught me. Anyhow, for some reason, my mind has been rejecting all things Mo and it has been trying to rediscover itself. The main problem is, it's starting from 4 years back, way back...back in time. The insecure, perverted, socially awkward (more so than now) boy that I was is back. It's like I've reverted to a beta version of myself and it's fucking annoying. So I'm gonna lay low for a while untiil my mind straightens out whatever the fuck issues it needs to deal with. Edit: on second thought, maybe it's just plain ole regression.
When you have time to think, you learn a lot about yourself. This is one part of me that I hate, because it's so hypocritical and goes against everything that I'd like to think that I stand for. I have a hard time accepting people for who they are, whether they be some ditzy chick, stupid narrow-minded religious dude, doped out hippie, whatever. I project that anger at other people and blame them for not accepting me for who I am, when it is Bender who has trouble accepting Bender for who he is. This must change.
Day by day, I'm becoming a stronger, better person. I really want to believe that, because otherwise, there are gonna be a lot of sick people next year getting a taste of my bitter pill.
Fuck, I'm really in no position to heal people. Not when I can't heal myself. It reminds me of when I went on missions to Venezuela. People who know me well, know that that I get exhausted when I have to deal with people for long periods of time. For several weeks, I had to deal with the stigma of being a messenger from God. Day in, day out, when I went to take a shit and when I hit on the underage locals. Shit, I just couldn't live up to it. Tough shit, no choice. A buddy came down hard on me, cuz it was about something greater than just me.
What the fuck was I made to do? I'm on track to becoming a tool, pushing pills and shit. God, I hope I become more mature real quick.
-bender
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