Fish

Being a med student on the wards is 90% attitude and 10% skill. Seriously...it makes such a huge difference. This past Thursday, I said good bye for the last time to my attending Dr. Albina Gogo. True to form, being the pussy that I am, I started crying when I said bye to her. I know deep inside that she is one of a handful of mentors who will forever shape the way I approach my practice to medicine, whether it be in pediatrics or internal medicine. Perhaps I just have attachment issues. I just have a really hard time saying bye to people that I care about. I don't take comments personally when attendings thrash me or make me look stupid in front of the residents. Surprisingly, I've developed a thick skin over the past few weeks. But really, shouldn't everything start with being personal? What's so wrong with things being personal? We're all human beings for crying out loud. Lets not imagine that one man's suffering is any greater or worse than another. It is common, but unthinkable to overlook the suffering of our fellow man because we are tired, stressed, heartbroken...It's the same health problem, but not the same patient.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm selling out. There is an episode of scrubs, where a grouchy ass patient get less facetime with the doctor. He gets the right care according to the guidelines, but he is treated differently because he is a dick. Therefore, he was given suboptimal care. I hate to admit it, but it's a lot easier to be nice to people who are nice. It makes me wonder about my future practice. My outpatient experience was amazing...mostly white and asian upper middle class folks. Everyone was nice, educated, good looking...I had a lot of fun playing with the cute kids and I really enjoyed my experience. This stands in stark contrast to the mentally unstable mother I saw in urgent care clinic who kept demanding to see my notes and kept telling me to write that something was wrong with her daughter...feet, stomach, whatever, so that she can file a lawsuit against another doctor. The mother was coaching her daughter to say that things hurt, when in fact no pathology was found on examination. I know these people need care too, but seriously, I hate seeing these patients. One encounter with them is sufficient to make me disgusted and write them off as losers. By being on the fringe, they need our love and care so much more than any of the healthy, happy kids I was seeing. I question whether I am a good enough person to love the folks who cannot love in return.

bender