Cleaning Out My Closet

So I've failed, and failed miserably... at a lot of things. What is it to be a Flores, well if you take a look at my grandfather, and my father, and my great grandfather.. obviously you gotta be booksmart and good at fixing everything with your hands. Well it seems like I fail at both of those, I'm not booksmart like them, and am nowhere near as good as my forefathers at fixing anything with an exception to computers (some of the time).

Just thinking about it depresses me, I'm not a Flores, I'm not destined for greatness like them. I'm not a natural born leader or someone with that type of charisma. I don't glow with awesomeness and confidence in everything I do. I tip my hand anytime I get the chance and always take the big flashy opportunity. I'm probably too extravagant for my own good. I have my insecurities and they cause me a great deal of aggravation because without them I'd probably be damn good at a lot of things instead of mediocre at everything. I'm a jack of all trades and a master of none.

That Jack of All trades bullshit has been getting to me lately as well. I'm tired of being look at as "good" or "mediocre". I want greatness, I want everyone to recognize that I've got the goods. I'm not living for the sake of living, I've never done that and anytime I've tried to do that, I become miserable. I have come to terms with the fact that I'm at my best when I'm trying to prove something to myself ,or quieting someone doubting me.

I spent 3 hours in front of the mirror last night, shouting at myself. Telling myself how worthless I was, how I'd never be as smart as my dad, or loved as my grandfather. I will never be that guy and I came to terms with it. I shouted out what I felt, that I was a loser and that everyone was too nice to say it to me. I'm sure even my best of friends have their doubts about me. Has that ship of success sailed off, have I lost my edge and spark. Probably, hell... I am confident that I lost what it was that made me special. I looked straight into the reflection and called myself a loser,worthless and I meant every word of it.

Well needless to say I feel better, and I am feeling pretty pumped up and excited. Knowing I'm not as good as them, smart as them, or lovable as them... it eggs me on even more. It pushes me harder than anything because knowing my dad thinks I'm a lost cause, and focuses everything on my brother only feeds my fire.

I want to say that I'm doing this for me, but I'm not, I know I'm not and it's a lie everytime I say it's for me. I'm doing this for him, and for my mom. My whole life all I've wanted was to bring them together in something... now I know what it is. I want them both to say "damn, that kid was worth it". I may be doing it for them, but I'm doing it on my terms, I'm not going to make them proud doing what they want me to do, I'm going to make them proud doing things on my own terms.

Iron Man out...