how ironic...
I think it's ironic how things are playing out with my current rotation. On a personal level, I am very comfortable on my urology rotation. It's mostly because of the residents that I work with; they remind me of my college buddies. Perhaps I wouldn't be enjoying it so much if the residents were such a close knit group of friends. I'm not sure what's going on. I have been acting more frat-boyish and more hyper-manly. If I'm so damn comfortable and fit in so nicely with this group, why is it that I have so much trouble being myself. The frightening counterpart is that, this is the real me. A nerdy, awkward immature boy who laughs at penis and fart jokes. Actually, it is me and I'm ok with it. What I am not ok with is people noticing that I'm changing without me realizing it. Some people are good enough friends to point it out. Ultimately, I'm going to end up doing what I enjoy the most, but it's still food for thought.
Surgery is all about being tough. I was scrubbed in on a 9 hour surgery today. No complaints, no whining, no I'm hungry, I hate to pee, etc. I scrubbed out once because I almost passed out due to a vaso-vagal reaction. Actually, it was really nice because the nurses babied me and brought me lots of gatorade and peanut butter crackers. Anyhow, the point is, to be a good med student on surgery - you have to be a guy. What I mean by that is that you have to be one of the guys. One of my colleagues is struggling because one of her residents is riding her ass. To get respect from others, you have to bust your ass, talk shit and have a thick skin. I've got the first two down, but the last I'm afraid I'll never develop.
In a few weeks, I guess I'll have a better idea of what I want. The reason I am pretty confident that I enjoy my current rotation is I've been using internal medicine as my litmus test. I really enjoyed peds, but I considered med-peds. I wasn't willing to give up medicine. Family practice - well lets just say that I didn't like it very much. Ob-gyn...took away the magic of it all. Medicine...I enjoyed the thinking part, but I felt like I didn't really know or do anything. We called infectious disease, ortho, urology, radiology, etc. We were never the final word. For uro, we do the medicine part, serve as the final word for all things urine and we get our hands dirty with a few procedures. I'm willing to toss internal medicine for surgery. Perhaps this infatuation will soon pass.
Sometimes I wonder if the things I laugh at are funny. Bender (on futurama) is hilarious cuz he is an asshole. My residents are dicks...when others call for consults and ask when they should call back, we literally say never. I think it's hilarious. Bender is funny to laugh at, but I'm not sure that I'd want to be him. It's like haha...look at the bitter, jaded asshole.
Do medical specialties attract certain personalities, or do they create personalities. It's probably a combination of both. I'm reminded of a famous stanford psych experiment by zimbardo. He basically put grad students in roles - prisoners and prison guards. Things got a little out of control...the guards beat the prisoners and the prisoners became withdrawn. It showed that people conform to the roles that they are placed in. To this day, the people involved in that experiment still receive psychiatric care. The interesting part is that, it isn't the prisoners who were beat who need help. It's the guards who realized what sick sadistic sons of bitches lie in all of our hearts. You're not always the nice guy that you always thought you were.
I feel like this is the most interesting part of third year. You have notions of who you were before med school. I said that I wasn't interested in money and that I wanted to work in underserved areas to create better communities. My essay was about compassion. People literally laugh when I tell them these things now. Perhaps my goals have changed somewhat. This year has put me in compromising situations that have really challenged me to scrutinize my self and my actions.
What I have come up with are the same conclusions that I've always believed about myself. I'm an intelligent nice guy who is just trying to get by. And therein I take refuge in the fact that maybe some things haven't changed all that much.
-bender
posted by Bender @ 8:33 PM
3 Comments
3 Comments:
I'm sure I'm not telling you anything new, but you know, sometimes it's ok to be somewhere in between. You can't be the eternal jesus-like-figure who hands out cash to all the homeless and treats everyone better than himself. That's impossible, but sometimes it seems like you hold yourself up to such a standard.
But to turn into a Doctor who would rather act like a funny asshole in front of his buddies than provide good care to a patient he was asked to consult on is swinging way out to the other extreme.
It might be funny in the moment, but if you stepped back and took a picture, you'd want to slap whoever acted like taht. I know you well enough for that. That doesn't mean that you can't do urology - or make penis jokes. Just don't put yourself or your self-image, ahead of your patients. (Someone who says "never" to a consult is pretty much doing that.) You didn't go to medical school to join a frat house. You've worked way too hard for that. But if you find yourself somewhere you are happy, it's OK to be there, if it's for reasons that make sense. Do you like urology? Do you like surgery? Do you like helping your patients? That stuff is going to matter in 10 years. (You'll care a whole lot less about what people think of you and whether you belong. Trust me. That stuff loses its luster very quickly.) You don't want to be one of those people who wakes up in his mid-thirties and realizes he hates himself and everyone he works with. And you already know who you are. He's just a complicated guy.
If you like the work and think you'd be happy doing it down the road, it's probably a good fit. I think seeing how you fit in with the people is helpful to a point. Yes, we all know that different specialties attract certain personality types, so if you fit in, it may be a good sign. But every program will have a slightly different dynamic and you can feel that out when you interview.
Having done the rotation, I think it is possible to be a Urologist who is not an a$$hole. And I don't think you will ever be that awful doctor who hates his patients cuz you're too good of a person for that.
Also, I think we all know that it is okay to blow off some steam by joking, etc., as long as it doesn't compromise patient care. I think EM docs/trauma surgeons are masters at this--providing good care while having fun and making some not so nice comments about things.
Just be yourself and I think by the end of the rotation you'll know pretty well if it is something you really want to do.
I'm probably the least experienced or educated person to throw his input in this bender but the one thing that you fear, will never happen. Every day you do your best to be what it is you plan to do. Yes, sometimes you get tired, worn out and need a break. Everyone needs a recharge and you know what, it's ok to do what you need to do to get by as long as you don't hurt anyone in the process. If cracking jokes and acting like a dumbass helps you get by, then so be it, but I agree with your friends, never do it at the expense of the care you are supposed to be giving. You have a power in your hands that others can only dream of, so do your peers, with that power you must hold yourself to a high standard.
I don't think I have to worry a bit about you though, you are always mindful of others and you always see the consequences of your actions and reactions. I also know you have had to put up that tough guy image up there, and adapt to your surroundings to prevent getting thrown out while you were in the meatgrinder. Just keep in mind that because you now have that thick skin, it isn't who you are, but a means to your goal.
My dad asked about you today, wanted to know if you had that goofy laugh and if you were on your way to becoming a famous doctor. I answered him yes, and no... because Dee isn't about fame, he's about people. Don't make me a liar now...
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