wake up mr. flores

So I'm about halfway through my spring break... damn... where does the time go?

Don't really know... but I know a good portion of it went towards Grey's Anatomy season 1 and 2. Damn show... I wonder if that's what it's really gonna be like for you Bender... that is brutal...

I keep wondering... am I really gonna do it, open up a show somewhere and really do what I want to do? Am I going to end up teaching cooking/baking classes on saturdays after or before my kids soccer practice?

hehe, I wrote out this huge ass section talking about something, then chickened out and decided to leave that for another time. Such a coward, I hope I got what it takes, I better... cuz I spit that game out, now its go time.

I woke up a couple of days ago, stopped chasing my dad, and stopped running from my mom. When did the price of independence get so high. I watched rocky balboa again, and I got all sentimental at the same two fucking spots in the movie as I did in the theatres. I think I'm a sucker for Rocky movies, cuz I just remember watching the other films and getting so into them. I remember in Rocky V when Tommy Gunn betrays Rocky, I felt that pain, I was like... you bastard!!! Kim laughed at me and hugged me cuz she could see that a part of me wishes I was more like Rocky, simple, nice, and pure... It's funny cuz you know what Bender, you're the smart version of Rocky... hehe... you're the type of guy who would buy cheeseburgers for the homeless guy down the street and walk the lost girl home and in return get called a creep. Damn, you are such a dirty hooker, hehe... keep it real bro, stay who you are and grind it out.

joe out

I'm on the inside...

I think it's funny how just a couple of things can change your whole perception of someone. For example...a new professor who comes off as just the sweetest thing nicks the renal vein, the splenic vein and the inferior mesenteric vein all in one go, then goes and steals all of a resident's research from the VA - locking him out of his own data, then lures me with promises of research and assigns me to install/fix softwares problems on her POS computer. There is also a professor who seemed like mentor material, but just turned out to have a glossy exterior with motives you couldn't trust. There is a lot of drama going on in town and I see badness in the program for the new few years. Anyhow, I refuse to be deterred. Gonna trek on with my urology application.

It's funny when you're on the inside. I remember seeing all of the surgery people and thinking that they were cocky bastards who treated everyone like crap. Sitting in with them, I see them as regular people who are nice, but need to get through the day. I've gone through my fair share of getting yelled at this week, but overall I think that I'm good to go.

Surprisingly, the best moments in my day are running into classmates in the hallways who I never talked to before, but share a bond with now that we're getting our getting our asses beat down on a daily basis. And how...

-bender

I'm sure it sounds the same when he says it...

*smirk

-bender

why do we do what we do when we do...

summertime...

I took trauma call last night. I gotta say, I realized I was much less of a man and even less so a doctor last night. Most of the night was great. I was hanging out with an ENT resident. It turned out that we took summer school together at Irvine, and we chatted about march madness and looked at youtube clips, like the one of Reggie Evans grabbing Christ Kaman's boys. Things turned a little ugly around 5 am. We had a guy flown in from Winters. He was found down after being shot in the face through his eye. His GCS was 3 when he hit the ER. CT scan showed that there was bullet lodged in his right cerebrum. I joked around a little in the beginning, then kind of lost it. I basically said, fuck this, I'm going home. I don't know if I was supposed to stick around to round with the trauma team.

Maybe I'm not built for this. I like seeing healthy patients that get well. For the most part, people live with prostate cancer and kidney cancer patients usually get the tumor removed and go on with their lives. I'm not good at dealing with death and dying issues. It's incredibly important, but I tend to dance around the issue in my patients who are dying. Either that, or I'm a straight shooter. I provide emotional support when I can, but in general I find that I'm not fantastic with it. I think that may make me less of a doctor, ot at the very least, less of a man.

Done with 3 weeks of surgery. Like everyone else, I'm a little tired.

Surgery is a funny thing. It's efficient. You see a lot of patients in a short amount of time. You ask fewer questions and you try to be as personable as you can in that short period of time. As a med student, you have the luxury of slowing down for the patients who need you to hold their hand and rushing through those patients that look healthy and ready to go home. One does not always have that luxury. As a surgeon, I have to learn to be comfortable with causing my patients pain, in order to make them better. We joke about the motto, "heal with steel." But really, whether it's taking out staples after a surgery to resecting a huge tumor, I'm gonna cause the patient pain and I need to be ok with it. There are gonna be times when I'm consulted and I don't have the luxury to hold their hand because I need to place catheters in 10 more patients. I need to learn to be ok with it, but cognizant of the fact that there are many issues that need to be addressed, although at that time I can only deal with their wound healing. I feel that for a lot of surgery residents, they forget about the patient and remember their patients as the guy who needs his stitches removed or the guy who needs to have his diet changed. It's important not to lose that awareness. I guess the question is, in the long run, does it make a difference? In the short term, our behaviors are gonna be the same...do our thing and run off to see the next patient. I just need to be reminded that I'm still human. For the greater part of the day, I'm really sleepy and hungry all the time. It's finally gotten to the point where I can acknowledge that I'm hungry and tired, but focus on patient care rather than my own needs. Next step is residency. I hope to god that we all end up at the places and programs that will ultimately make us happy and the best docs that we can be. I guess I'm not going to be a physician...I'll be a surgeon. It feels weird having that in the open now.

-bender

dropping it like it's hot... or mildly warm

where do I begin, and where do I end?

I'm glad and sad to hear you will be coming to LA for residency. I know you probably wanted to be somewhere else to do your residency. If you need a place to stay while down here, you are always welcome here with me. It's weird how much changes in time, I mean I seriously thought you would be back in LA one day, and thought we'd get to hang out something similar to how it used to be. I guess it was my naivete or me not wanting to come to terms with you are too special for this town we call LA.

If you end up coming back down for a bit, I'm sure we'll have plenty of good times to hang out, and Kim can definitely make us some pancakes and some of her 7 layer bean dip which she told me about recently.

I think I'm starting to feel like leaving this place. I am remembering san diego, and despite that wretched girl ruining a lot of my good times down there, I also had some good times, and some good food. I know it'll be hard to leave LA, my home, my family, hell everything I've ever known is here in LA. At the same time, maybe something simpler is better, maybe not having to be in the rat race constantly is what I need. As crazy as it sounds, those 80 hour work weeks at Sony weren't so bad. Sure I was single at the time, but I remember how great it was when I came home, had no worries, never thought about anything bad happening, ever. Che would constantly leave our front door unlocked, and I routinely left my window open in my room and car. Could walk around the mall without getting stared down, and it wasn't uncommon to have a random conversation with complete strangers at the mall. Would go grocery shopping at like 11pm at Ralphs with che and see the hot UCSD girls (not many but a lot hotter than CSULA) in the market trying to get beer and asking peeps to buy it for them. It's funny, cuz hot girls never go to your school, they are always at that other school, or other city, or blah blah. I guess we just get tired of our own stuff and find ourselves wanting something else.

I hope life is good for you up there in Sac, and I know your girl is taking good care of you, she seemed like a great fit for you back when I met her. She's a real person, like real real, and that's hard to find. At least for us LA boys it is, it's funny cuz I always wondered why my friends looked for girls from elsewhere to settle down with. My friend derek got married to a girl he met at csula but she was from new mexico or somewhere in that desert area, colorado, nm, arizona. You're gal is SD bred, and now I find myself with a washington girl. It's weird cuz I was determined to find me a great LA girl, and I know they exist, but I think they are looking for a nice guy who isn't from LA. This place is a meat grinder, and I'm starting to not want to raise kids here.

At the same time it's so great and the epitome of who I am and the melting pot. It's weird cuz NY is often referred to as the culinary capital of the US. And it probably is, but fuck that... the best mexican food in the world is here in Cali. And the second best sushi besides japan... also in Cali. It's funny cuz neither one of those is considered "cuisine" by the culinary world, but those are my favorite foods in the whole world and stuff I couldn't live without. Ok, sorry, getting sidetracked there. But yeah, it'll be hard not going to Dodger games, not seeing the greatest firework show in the world here in east los. I asked my sancha if she was ashamed to have to tell peeps that her papi chulo lives in east los and she said without a trace of hesitation... nope, it's the best place. I don't know, but as whitewashed as I am, I also have a strong connection to my roots and could not picture a life without carniceria's, taco stands, guys pushing carts of fruit up and down the street, and guys driving vans around the neighborhood selling eggs out the back of them. It's weird, as much as I am starting to want to get away, I'm starting to appreciate it. It's weird cuz people don't know that LA unless they are from here. They don't know how great it is to grow up in east la, go to the OG tepeyac and get your ass handed to you by a manuels special.

It's weird cuz leaving la will be hard, and raising a family here will be stressful. I'm a big worrier, and I get scared everytime my girl drives out to work out in norwalk. She won't ever change either, never wants to teach in a nice school. She wants to make a difference, wants to start in the shitter and help those kids out. I guess I shouldn't be so paranoid, but I can't help it. I've been stabbed, car jacked and jumped... and believe it or not none of that stuff ever happened in the ghetto.

She has embraced my culture so easily, and I hers, hehe... I can't wait to have some kids and raise them to be samurai kids. It's funny cuz a long time ago when that movie "last samurai" came out... my gf at the time laughed at me when I said I was gonna be a samurai... well maybe I'm not, but my kids will be... so who's laughing now bitch. Hehe, sorry... don't know where that came from. Well I don't know where life will take me, but I'm learning to just embrace it. I'm pretty good in the kitchen but it's not my place and not for me. I know where my heart is going to be so I need something that will allow me to do that. I can't help but be excited at the thought that in 3 years I'll be somewhere new, having new experiences and adapting to somewhere new. At the same time, if I'm still here in LA, I'll be doing my best to be a positive influence and make a difference here, somehow.

I am determined to make the best out of any situation I'm thrust into, and I will be more positive and less negative. I know I can't change who I am, but I can change as many small things as possible. Standing on my soapbox and preaching isn't helping anyone because I'm not smart enough or influential enough to sway others with my ideas. Instead my best chance is to get my hands dirty and do something positive to hopefully do something good, even it its microscopic when compared with everything... good is still good.

I've got a lot to say, don't know where it all came from and I'm only halfway through my ideas. But this is a good stopping point.. i'll be back to finish some other time.

joe out..

match week

Match week is a funny thing. The med student interviews at a few places, residency program rank their student preferences, then a computer program algorithm matches the students with a residency program. Sounds simple enough. At the end of the week, there are going to be people excited about their future and people crying that they didn't end up where they wanted. It's a binding agreement.

I'm a little nervous about this whole match thing. I really don't want to leave cali. My numbers are solid, but I suck at schmoozing with the higher ups. Joe, I'll probably end up doing a rotation at kaiser, UCLA or USC. I'm leaning toward UCLA or kaiser because they're the less competitive programs, but maybe I'll get better teaching at SC. I'm worried that I won't shine, but I guess it's better to try and suck than to have never tried at all. Time to start making phone calls...here it goes.

-bender

whoa there cowboy...

Dang, wrote a whole blog the other night and stupid IE crashed on me. Bah... such a drag.

Well life is going on, getting ready for finals and I've made a decision on the swiss alps. I already decided that I won't do it this year, but maybe next year. I talked with her about it and wanted to see if she could maybe study abroad next year with me, and if she can't study maybe just go visit me for a month or so. We'll see how things go, I know I shouldn't get myself in more debt right now, but seriously... studying culinary in Europe would only boost my resume at the moment.

Worked on salads and greens this week, seriously.. I don't get it and maybe it's just my taste pallette but I don't get how people can love to eat some of the bitter greens. I can handle some of them, but some of the salads are just out of control bitter. I mean seriously... it boggles my mind how people can eat it. And the lettuces are expensive, like 5-15 bucks a bunch or head. Dang, just when I think I'm getting this down, something like this comes and kicks me in the nuts.

Just wondering how "fine dining" I am, I mean I love the food and it's so elegant and refined, but seriously... spending time with her has made me realize that I am who I am. I love eating pho, burrito's and papa's fritas. She has grounded me when I started getting all "rooty tooty fruity" and "fufu" as che would say. We had a long talk about my wants and desires and what is holding me back, I think for so long I've built this fucking wall of cynicism and bitterness that I forgot how much I love humanity. I care too much about what others think, whether I'm selling out, or if I'm settling. I had a big enough struggle deciding to skip law school and enter the world of fat, I mean... food... bah.. be back later to finish this...

hmm....

Looking over some of my past posts, I sound like an asshole. It wasn't quite what I had meant when I wrote them and I hope that I didn't offend anyone. For some reason or another, probably ego, surgical subspecialties tend to attract a lot of people who are dicks or have strange personalities. That plus them being under a lot of pressure and stress, people react in pretty mean ways. It doesn't justify their actions, but it happens. A lot of people have ended up getting the short end of the stick on the service and it sucks. As super type-A people, we all have severe insecurities and it's rough when those are brought out, teased or straight up stomped on.

At the end of the day have we (1) improved someone's life (2) provided some modicum of comfort (3) done everything within our power to provide the best care that we know how or consulted in order to do so. I'm just trying to be myself while doing all of the above. I want to get out there while the sun is still out and ride my bike and eat mexican food and ice cream.

my residents:
pat: he is kind of like scott. was an eco geek like me...following animal trails and stuff. played rugby in college and went to med school in DC. He is married to a lawyer and wants to settle down in the bay.
jon: he likes to run when he has time. married.
nick: married with children. just wants to get home and be with his family.

We're all lost and trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just realized that I haven't called my parents in like 2 weeks. Time flies, and then no need to endure anymore, time dies...touche.

-bender

a little more perspective

Today was a long day, but I learned a lot.

We had our morbidity and mortality report today. My poor residents...they try to do right by their patients, but sometimes they lie...very very poorly at the risk of their careers. I know I make everyone on the service sound like assholes, but seriously, they're all good people who bust their ass day in and day out. They always know what's going on with their patients and they're the ones coming in at 4am and taking call Q2.

Then we had a didactic lesson on male infertility...complete with testicular disappearing syndrome and rectally placed charges to induce emission...good times and laughs all around.

Lonecoyote...you've given me a lot of perspective. Yea...the peds uro doc. You're right. He is a pig, but for some reason he seems to be putting up with me. I'm sorry that you had such a bad experience on his service. There really isn't a similar thing for guys...we don't fit in on ob/gyn, but at least we get treated equally well. It's a pretty sexist system and it sucks that you have to play that game to do well.

I think this week has helped me to settle down a little. I'm a little less excited and a little more tired. Peds urology has been a nice balance between the surgery stuff and the little kiddy stuff I really enjoyed on peds. Today was kind of a nightmare. Actually, a lot of the procedures performed on the kids are nightmares. They're well-intended by the docs and the anal/psycho parents. The kids have no idea what they're getting into. It's like giving your kid type 1 diabetes. You empower them to take care of their help. For peds uro, they have to catheterize their own foley, etc. If they don't take care of it, their neo-bladders can bust and they can die from peritonitis. If they don't follow up, they might die from cancer. Complications...these poor kids. I love them to death. I really do. Signing off.

-bender

how ironic...

I think it's ironic how things are playing out with my current rotation. On a personal level, I am very comfortable on my urology rotation. It's mostly because of the residents that I work with; they remind me of my college buddies. Perhaps I wouldn't be enjoying it so much if the residents were such a close knit group of friends. I'm not sure what's going on. I have been acting more frat-boyish and more hyper-manly. If I'm so damn comfortable and fit in so nicely with this group, why is it that I have so much trouble being myself. The frightening counterpart is that, this is the real me. A nerdy, awkward immature boy who laughs at penis and fart jokes. Actually, it is me and I'm ok with it. What I am not ok with is people noticing that I'm changing without me realizing it. Some people are good enough friends to point it out. Ultimately, I'm going to end up doing what I enjoy the most, but it's still food for thought.

Surgery is all about being tough. I was scrubbed in on a 9 hour surgery today. No complaints, no whining, no I'm hungry, I hate to pee, etc. I scrubbed out once because I almost passed out due to a vaso-vagal reaction. Actually, it was really nice because the nurses babied me and brought me lots of gatorade and peanut butter crackers. Anyhow, the point is, to be a good med student on surgery - you have to be a guy. What I mean by that is that you have to be one of the guys. One of my colleagues is struggling because one of her residents is riding her ass. To get respect from others, you have to bust your ass, talk shit and have a thick skin. I've got the first two down, but the last I'm afraid I'll never develop.

In a few weeks, I guess I'll have a better idea of what I want. The reason I am pretty confident that I enjoy my current rotation is I've been using internal medicine as my litmus test. I really enjoyed peds, but I considered med-peds. I wasn't willing to give up medicine. Family practice - well lets just say that I didn't like it very much. Ob-gyn...took away the magic of it all. Medicine...I enjoyed the thinking part, but I felt like I didn't really know or do anything. We called infectious disease, ortho, urology, radiology, etc. We were never the final word. For uro, we do the medicine part, serve as the final word for all things urine and we get our hands dirty with a few procedures. I'm willing to toss internal medicine for surgery. Perhaps this infatuation will soon pass.


Sometimes I wonder if the things I laugh at are funny. Bender (on futurama) is hilarious cuz he is an asshole. My residents are dicks...when others call for consults and ask when they should call back, we literally say never. I think it's hilarious. Bender is funny to laugh at, but I'm not sure that I'd want to be him. It's like haha...look at the bitter, jaded asshole.

Do medical specialties attract certain personalities, or do they create personalities. It's probably a combination of both. I'm reminded of a famous stanford psych experiment by zimbardo. He basically put grad students in roles - prisoners and prison guards. Things got a little out of control...the guards beat the prisoners and the prisoners became withdrawn. It showed that people conform to the roles that they are placed in. To this day, the people involved in that experiment still receive psychiatric care. The interesting part is that, it isn't the prisoners who were beat who need help. It's the guards who realized what sick sadistic sons of bitches lie in all of our hearts. You're not always the nice guy that you always thought you were.

I feel like this is the most interesting part of third year. You have notions of who you were before med school. I said that I wasn't interested in money and that I wanted to work in underserved areas to create better communities. My essay was about compassion. People literally laugh when I tell them these things now. Perhaps my goals have changed somewhat. This year has put me in compromising situations that have really challenged me to scrutinize my self and my actions.

What I have come up with are the same conclusions that I've always believed about myself. I'm an intelligent nice guy who is just trying to get by. And therein I take refuge in the fact that maybe some things haven't changed all that much.

-bender

Inner struggle

I had an interesting conversation with my roommate today. He says that he sees an inner conflict going on...the nice guy in me likes internal medicine, while the frat boy inside me wants to tell dirty penis jokes and be a manly surgeon. The kid knows me well. We'll see who wins out.

-bender

damn...

So it's looking like we've got a winner with urology. I wish I'd known a little earlier. whatever. I figured it out this week when on Saturday morning, I realized that there was no other place I'd rather be than busting my ass in the hospital on the GU service. Pretty sad, but whatever. It's stressing me out a bit because it's ultra-competitive. I'm ok with moving out east or wherever to train. Part of me just wants to match, but I don't want to settle for a site where I'll get sub-par training from shitty faculty and not get to play with the last laparoscopic surgery toys. I'm debating whether I should take a year off to do more research to buff up my application. Looks like I'm gonna be a surgeon...shit. I wouldn't have believed it if you had told me 6 months ago...weird. On a sidenote, hisbiscus, were u talking about doc sena for trauma for the buff/bald/strangely attractive man? I can see it. eh.

-bender

readers discretion: this is just on my mind

Hmm, so I'm going into the kitchen soon. But also finding a lot of different possibilities outside the restaurant business that would be appealing to me. I am very torn over my dream of opening that restaurant and my dream of a family. I am a big pussy when it comes to my unrelenting desire to belong to something. For 25 years and counting I've had no family really, my grandma is probably the only constant in my life. So when I was managing my aunts restaurant, well it was a well taken care of establishment that was over it's bad times.

Do I have the time to pursue that same goal, or will it cost me my one true goal? I haven't talked about it but it's something constantly on my mind. I love this business, I love this area of study. It's the only thing that has made me feel valid in the world. Everyone needs to eat, and everyone wants to eat for pleasure not necessity. You don't need tv, you don't need this, you don't need that. You do that shit because it's fun and you prioritize your likes and dislikes. Food, you need it to live, so we as a society have "fufu'ed" it up to make it more pleasurable and less of a necessity. I feel like every part of it is so significant, from the inspectors, to the line cooks, to the servers, to the hosts. It all serves it's insane purpose and it all has a history that I can trace and relate to. I find myself intrigued by it all, and the kitchen doesn't enthrall me but the bakery does. I love sweets and I love the things you can do with them. I'm known as a doughmonkey by my colleagues but you know what. It by no means is a reflection on my skills in the kitchen or my knife cuts. It was hilarious because last night we had a plate that required knife cuts, and I was the only one who the chef commended. I was also the first guy to quickly prepare and correctly plate all the food to the chef. How about that for a doughmonkey? hehe... how do you like them eclairs (I know, horrible good will hunting reference).

So it seems the cat is out of the bag in regards to myself and this mysterious girl I've been hanging out with. I sometimes wonder why it all happened like this but than I remember that It was necessary. I can't fight destiny, and I can't fight reality. I'm not saying this was my destiny, that I should be hers and her mine. I'm saying that it is what it is. She's here now, not later, so this is how it was to be. It's the reality of it and neither of us is going to lie about it. At the same time I'm in no rush to get hurt and in no rush to hurt her so I'll be going a day at a time. I sometimes scare her and myself with how well we can read each other. There have been times where a good portion of a conversation remains unsaid but perfectly understood by both.

Herein lies the problem now, this girl is the best thing I've come across other than myself. Cuz let's not be stupid, if you don't love yourself you can't expect to love another. But she is very self conscious, and such a loving person she would never stand in the way of another or their dream. Even if it meant she could not have what she wants. She is that much of a sweetheart and I just adore her for that. Boring nights are no longer boring and well... she's to thank for that. Her random mind enchants me and causes me to lose track of time, hours become minutes and minutes seconds, days are hours and everything is becoming a blur. After I separate myself from this and think, I know what I must do, but I'm scared to tell her for fear she may turn away. Not because she doesn't want to be there for me, but because she may feel like she's the reason. And she'd be right, very right... but at the same time she'd be so wrong and that is why I feel the need to just hide my feelings. But at the same time its impossible to hide stuff from her. I have given her all my thoughts, but not consecutively, and part of me hopes she doesn't figure it out yet.

When I explained my deepest concerns for myself and why I quit the pursuit of the law career. She accepted it readily and never found fault in anything I said. But at the same time when I imagine the conversation I fear bringing up with her, I feel like she'll turn away. And it scares me, because well... I don't know.

Am I lying to myself, do I love the kitchen? Do I want that ugliness of starting a restaurant? Can I do it all? I don't know... but I do know. I've always thought I was the shit, and didn't care about what others say. Now, for the first time, I felt like I was shit, but others see something different. I guess the best part about all of this, is that I have time. 2 years should be enough time, and the worst part is... this girl is so close to me, she knows this. She sees the inner struggle in me, she sees that I'm fighting the desire to get caught up in that lifestyle despite that well... I've got the right head if I wanted to succeed doing it. Part of her may be torn because maybe she doesn't want that life, and maybe its keeping her from telling me what she thinks. The scariest part of this entire thing is, it's totally unspoken but completely out in the open.

It's hard for me to say I suck at cooking now, when I get recommendations from some of the respectable chefs at school to work at some of the nicest places in the west side and LA. It's hard for me to look her in the eye and say, I don't want to do it, because... fuck, I've never walked away from being the best before and this would be another notch on the belt if I could do it. At the same time, argh... the thoughts of my desire for a family... fuck man... this sucks. Then the whole money thing comes in, opening a restaurant... scarier than hell. Also, very time consuming, and well... only about 8% last more than 2 years after opening... and after that 8% move on, only about 20% make a good amount of money to warrant sacrificing your life and family for the life of luxury, the other ones just give you the opportunity to be your own boss. Not to say that out of those 8% that survive only 70 some odd % will last 5 years. DAMN... read that again, and tell me, is it worth it? Probably not, but am I weak for walking away? Am I weak for choosing that just for the pure fact that I love to beat insurmountable odds for the mere fact of knowing that I did it?

The scary thing is I have so many other things stacking on top of me, my family's expectations, my desire to feel validated by outdueling my dad and the mere fact that I want to keep the name Paul going on strong like my grandfather. That guy was a champ in so many ways that it's scary and I feel like I'm about a spec in comparison.

Yeah, you may read this or may not Bender. You are so busy it's damn near impossible to know whats going on in your head. It's damn near impossible to know if you are doing ok up there but I hope you are. And I hope you know, that despite this post, despite me sounding like I'm some lost fucking soul.... I am happy. She's not even my girlfriend, haven't even kissed her and probably won't for a long fucking time, but she lets me be me. I have never lied to her and even when I stay quiet because i'd rather not lie or tell her the truth, she knows it. I'm pretty sure that it all manifested back then but you know what, I did nothing wrong. It was funny cuz I told her how I felt, and she didn't question it, she acceptd it because she already knows it. She's the first person who feels me, I don't have to necessarily talk so much as just be there.