damn...everyone be saying the same thing.

http://sacramento.craigslist.org/about/best/van/152468438.html

joe...you might be right...I guess I've gotta treat my next woman like a whore in order to hold onto her.

-bender

delightful experience

Went to see a survey-type opera performance of the adler fellows. It was an ecletic mix of songs by Mozart, Rossini, Strauss, etc. I loved the subtlety of it all...the tension on stage between the tragic romance and the farce of lovers' spats. The suggestion of cherry blossoms and love transcending distance. The heartbreak of unrequitted love in Madam Butterfly as she awaits the return of her American lover by spreading cherry blossoms around her home. The best singers were the dude who looked like Samuel Jackson and the lady with the flowing blue dress that fell like waves over the sand...It was simple, but nice.

-bender

haha. i'm an idiot

It's 3:30 and I'm still up on the weekend before finals. I've been playing with fire tonight. I'm still paying my dues for playing with fire last time. haha. Gonna go to sleep, wake up when I do, and pretend tonight never happened.

-bender

Tweakin'

My cracklist has been updated. Rabbit, I know you're not a big fan. Whatever. It sustains me. On a sidenote, today rocked. Went out to play some ultimate, hopefully I got a lil sunburn, although I think I pulled something in my leg. Went out for sushi tonight...stuffed myself silly. Seriously, we were gross. Wanna go back; they've got lychee, sesame, taro, etc. ice cream. After that, came home, drank some champagne to celebrate the end of class, although I technically didn't go to class today, then I worked my roomie in bond. I'm cruisin'.

-bender

Superheroes

Damn, this is fucking dumbass. Read when drunk. I just had this random idea for a skit for when my friends get married. All my bros tend to become huge ass pussies when they get girlfriends. Wanna run a skit called Ex-Men when they get married. Backdrop music from X-men the animated series. All of these guys have no balls and their powers include baking and driving a mini-van. Damn...this is retarded. I don't wanna study.

-bender

time for change

No more....

When I say no more, I mean no more feeling sorry for myself. No more feeling pity for myself. I have become someone I hated, and I did it knowingly. Because it was the easy way, it's sooooo easy to say "I can do that" rather than say "I did that". I will not miss my opportunities. I will not fail, I have shown glimpses of what I may become... but now it's time to actually become that person I could have been. And If I fail... I will have failed because I didn't have what it took. Not because I didn't try.

Being a failure because you are a failure is better than being a failure because you never tried.

Joe is looking for a new name... he's not worthy of his name at the moment... So from now on... call me P-Flow... Don't worry though... Joe will be back soon...

Med school changes you

I guess it's true. Med school does change you. Before starting med school, I used to be all about community service, working in the community, helping a neighbor and all that good shit. I was reading over an applicant's essay and tore it apart. For starters, it had no style. More so, there was no clear indication of why he wanted to become a doctor and it bothered me that the flow of his essay lacked a unifying theme. Anyhow, I asked my roommate what his unifying theme was...he said something along the lines of needing to try different things. Then he asked me what my unifying theme was...I said compassion. He started cracking up when I said that. He said it was hilarious to hear that from a guy who calls his patients little bitches...touche

-bender

Will Miss you Uncle Joe...

I know bullshit, I've spent my entire life spitting it out and sifting through it. But the one man I know who spit it out with the best intentions was my uncle Joe. He used to tell the same joke to everyone in the family. About how he graduated from the school of hard knocks, only to go to USC, the University of Chihuahua. It always cracked up my grandma and my aunts, and I guess I used to laugh at it to. My uncle never went to college, it wasn't his kind of thing. I never thought less of him, he was one helluva man, and taught me a lot about being a shark. See my uncle joe was one of those smooth guys, he could talk his way into the big leagues and I never knew how. I know now, but for years it always puzzled me. I see it now and admire him even more now then I did then. His greatest asset was he didn't care about the odds. He didn't think less of himself for any disadvantage he may have had. He grew up with my grandma... they lived in a house that had holes and slept with stray cats that used to go in the house for shelter. Yet he saw that as an advantage... his confidence in himself and his abilities allowed him to always be happy. He spent his last years hunting, fishing, and living the high life on his own terms. He never spent 30 years behind a desk, he never sacrificed who he was or conformed. He lived his life on his terms and made that shit work for him. He showed me that its not always about black or white... it's about ME.

Don't dream it, live it.

RIP Uncle Joe...

I know that GiJoe was named after you Tio, I still remember you calling me a girl for playing with those GiJoe dolls. You always told me you never played with dolls because you were too busy playing doctor with the girls. You were always the ladies man.

Joe out...

Gripe

Damn cheap bastards are jacking us from above. Used to have great ppo insurance and delta insurance. Now I'm stuck in some ghetto HMO where we were forced to choose a pcp on the spot. I picked some lady named Lisa Ho because I liked her name. I looked up my doc...she isn't even licensed, or at least listed in california. this is in caldocinfo.ca.gov. It's public access and completely legal. It has listed every other doctor I've looked up in the state of california, and believe me, the list is long. So shady...the dental insurance is some shady premier shit. weak...

-bennder

woof?

lonely...need some company. My parents and roommate think I should get a dog. Gonna swing by the spca and take a look at some abandoned bitches that need some tender loving care. I'm gonna give her a call too...she does work with the spca. We'll see how this one works out.

-bender

Murder Burger

So this is supposed to be one of the best burger joints in Davis. A bunch of pussies complained about the name, so a competition was held to find the new best name.



The result: Redrum Burger...nice Stephen King Reference.

Red Light...

Sorry Joe. After some thought, I'm leaning toward not calling her.

-bender

let it be...

Damn...I think I'm gonna stop fielding calls from my parents for a while. I didn't Co-D this year. Big deal. It may have helped me a lot, but whatever. It was a conscious choice on my part. I wanted to spend the little time that I had with Mo. I don't blame her. I don't have any regrets about it. I wish my parents would stop giving me shit about it. That's all they care about...what specialty am I going into, how competitive am I, why do I not want to take a few more years to sub-specialize in some shit I don't give a fuck about, blah blah. Fuck that shit! Seriously...I'm gonna be a doc already, so leave me the fuck alone already. I don't want to talk about it. Why am I in a bad mood? Cuz I don't fucking want to talk about it. Don't you get it? It hurts like fucking shit every time you bring that shit up mom. Why the fuck are you so dense. No, spending more time with you and dad isn't going to make me feel better because you don't understand why I'm miserable. I'm really sorry, but you can't make this better by cooking food for me or something like that. I'm really sorry, I wish you could too. Please, just leave me the fuck alone. Why do they always want to talk about that shit. I don't want to talk about why I made the decisions that I did last year. I have my reasons, for better or worse. I made them consciously and I don't blame anyone. So don't go point fingers at Mo. Maybe the decisions were stupid, but fuck it. I choose happiness over the dollar or prestige.

-bender

article on nice cliches

Ignore this article. NY times makes me pay once these go out of circulation, so I'm trying to archive some of my favorites.




How a Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down

By ABIGAIL ZUGER, M.D.
Published: April 25, 2006

In only 10 minutes, my patient had come to hate me, and who could blame her? I had frowned at her blood pressure, rolled my eyes at her weight, clucked at her blood sugar readings, asked some pointed questions about her drinking habits and pointed out the possible relationship between her chronic stomachaches and her tourniquet-tight jeans.

First she just looked miserable and guilty, but by the time I got around to asking exactly what she had eaten for dinner the night before, she had become downright hostile. "Cheesecake," she spat out, with venom.

Under the circumstances, there was only one thing to say, and I didn't hesitate for a second. "By the way," I said, "I've been meaning to tell you, I love what you've done with your hair."

We were taught to call them lubricating comments: little morsels of oleaginous verbiage tucked into the usual miserable catechism to ease it along a little. Quite early on in medical school, we were handed a list to memorize. Most of us shuddered. It seemed then, in that nice, peaceful classroom, that the list's contents were just inane. "Tell me more about that." "That must have been very difficult for you." "I hear what you are saying." "Your story moves me." Surely, with all the other wisdom spilling from our lips, we would not be resorting to those viscous clichés.

But with experience came the knowledge that, without those clichés and innumerable others like them, the game is lost before it even begins. When almost every other word out of your mouth is destined to be an unwelcome reminder, dire prediction or insulting remark of some sort, it is really essential to be able to dilute it all with a little harmless verbal goo.

Presumably out there somewhere there are doctors who operate grimly goo-free. There are probably also those who loyally adhere to those medical school lists, in all their earnest, humorless orthodoxy. But most of us, over the years, slowly work out our own individual habits of senseless patter to smoothe over the hard parts.

I am among those who have grown to respect greatly the power of the minor compliment. And so, when someone snaps "cheesecake" at me in a certain tone of voice, I know to segue admiringly into hair.

I never lie. Sometimes I am guilty of exaggeration. Sometimes I overdo and start to sound like some slavish velvet-clad courtier making nice to Old King Cole. Some days I'm too tired and busy to bother with any of it. Occasionally I fish around for a nice thing to say and come up absolutely cold. But the experts tell us it is possible to find something to like about every patient, and it is also generally possible to construct a mild, inoffensive compliment for almost anyone.

The interesting part is that you never really know what you will get in return.

From most patients there are nothing but smiles. They love knowing that the doctor realizes they are more than their symptoms and prescriptions, that they have another dimension, even if it is just their taste in earrings. Should the compliment involve something more substantial — an intellectual achievement, a personal milestone, valor in the face of adversity — they almost begin to purr.

Others have been known to react differently.

The whole question of sexual harrassment aside — and if I were a man, I would have reconsidered many of my comments long ago — unnecessary personal remarks can get just a little too icky-sticky for some people's taste. They prefer their health care formal, businesslike and brief. They will do their socializing elsewhere.

Some people just aren't in the mood: they are feeling sick and belong in bed.

Some polite souls feel they must respond in kind, and then it all gets complicated. I like their earrings. They like my shoes. We wind up in an odd re-creation of a cocktail party without the alcohol. When does it all stop? I like your tie. You like my sense of humor. I appreciate your punctuality. You love my pen. Look, I'm sorry but I have run out of things to like about you, and I hate your cholesterol. Can we get back to work?

And then there are the clear-eyed few who see right through the ruse, and disdain me for the base manipulator that I am.

"You know you're my favorite patient," I once cooed to a particularly tough nut. He just snorted, annoyed. "You say that how many times a day?" All right, he had me there, the first one ever to call me on that particular remark, and I told him so.

And then, by God, he cracked a big fat smile. A happier man you've never seen. It had worked again.

-bender

no women for bender...

So my roomie threw a fat asian party at the house on Sunday night. Easily 50+ people were over from the clinic, Lots of top shelf booze, soju, tequila, etc. Residents taking shots...in short, good times were had by all. I haven't been in the dating scene for a really long time and it's weird being back in. Actually, I'm not really back in. I was just talking to some chicks and they gave me their numbers. It's weird, I was just doing what normal people do...talking to people in my room. Do people expect every encounter to be of the romantic variety? I told them I'd call em back, and I thought I would. That was my first mistake. It'd be nice to have activity partners for climbing and stuff like that, but I'm not really feeling women right now. No interest in hooking up or dating again. Some chicks I talked to today said I shouldn't call em back because then I'd be leading them on. I guess that's the right thing to do...but I can't help feeling like the string of guys who promise to call, but never do. Do I remain a good person in my eyes by becoming less of a person in the eyes of others? I guess so.

-bender

I finished my pack of cancer sticks last night. Was saving it for a while for a worthy celebratory event once I had closure. After a rather thick tongue lashing from Joe, I've been feeling a calm come over me about the whole thing. I still miss her, but I have acceptance. It was symbolic...I was burning away my past. Wisps of smoke, like memories, fading away into the still of the night. Some well-meaning med types almost fucked it up for me...stupid pussies.

The apprentice

On entering the Juvenile Detention facility, I was first struck by how cheerful and up-to-date the medical facility was. The white board was filled with dry-ink drawings of flowers and notes about the greatness that was Nurse Debra. The teenage patients gossiped with the guards and giggled out loud, often breaking out into hysterics. Perhaps what struck me as odd about the whole experience was the normalcy of it all.

During the shadowing experience, I had the opportunity to see three patients with the PA. The first two patients were two rather sweet and charming girls. Prior to being seen, they were occupying themselves by drawing clouds on the board and joking about a baseball game that had taken place earlier. Their gentle smiles belied the frustrations of being institutionalized into the system. As I palpated their red swollen hands and knuckles, they nonchalantly mentioned that they had punched the wall after a frustrating altercation with a staff member. Apparently, this was a weekly occurrence and one of the girls had previously fractured her metacarpal bones.

The third patient was a young teenage boy suffering from daily “migraine” headaches. No photophobia, no sonophobia, no nausea or auras. It didn’t really fit the bill of a migraine headache. After further prodding, I learned that he had been living on the streets for the past two years and was living in a camp in the woods until the levees broke after the storms and destroyed his meager possessions. He was running from the law and used fantasy defense mechanisms to help him cope with his current situation. It was inadequate and unsophisticated at best, but it got him through the day. The stress was getting to him and it resulted in the development of chronic tension headaches.

Similar veins ran through the stories of every patient that I saw on that day. They all came from difficult backgrounds and each had found inadequate ways to deal with their stress. Some lashed out in anger, while others used chemical substances to feel good, even if only temporarily. At the risk of sounding a bit condescending, I truly believe that what these kids needed more than anything else was a simple hug and confirmation that they were special.

The health system in the detention center is not too much different from health care at any other out-patient setting. The patients have their $3 co-pay and they make appointments to come into the clinic to see the PA about their chief complaint. The main difference is perspective. Many people, myself included, think of dangerous criminals and sociopaths when the penal system is mentioned. The assumption is that prisons are filled with bad people who do bad things, in contrast to people like ourselves, who are good people who occasionally make poor decisions. This is not to say that the prison does not house sociopaths, but for the most part, the people that I interacted with in the detention center simply lacked the basic coping mechanisms that most people learn through socialization in their homes and schools. They react violently when confronted and internalize all of their stress. This doesn’t excuse their behavior, but I wonder what role if any the physician has in facilitating the development of those skills. Per detention hall rules, the PA is only allowed to address the specific complaint of the patient. I just always thought prevention and maintenance always came standard.

After shadowing the PA, I had a chance to interview a member of pod B, who I’ll refer to henceforth by alias “Hector.” Hector fascinated me. Either that, or it was his ADHD taking me for a ride. His background included a lot of work training/breaking horses and riding bulls in rodeos. In addition to riding large, angry, violent mammals, he is also proficient at team lassoing and has ambitions of entering trade school and becoming certified in equine care. He seemed happiest when we talked about horses.

Unfortunately, Hector’s life was a perfect example of what happens when things go wrong in middle America. He grew up in a tweak house (home where the parents are metheamphetamine abusers). He started using marijuana in the 4th grade by stealing the drugs that his father stashed away in the closet. Soon after this, he became more involved in the movement of drugs and started stealing to feed his addiction. He had success in rehabilitation institutes and in times when he moved to areas of lower drug prevalence. However, he didn’t do as well when he lived in areas that were saturated with meth.

This was definitely a memorable experience I would never have otherwise encountered. I walked away from the experience a bit sad and perhaps a tad bitter. I had just observed another setting where there was a high level of complacency in the medical system. No actions were taken to curb the rampant use meth and fix broken homes. I’m not sure what can be done. Only epidemiologic measures can help a lot of these patients. Either way, I will now get off of my soap box.

Hector is once again participating in a rehabilitation program. He will be released next week. I wish him well.

bender

guess who's back, back again... pablo's back... tell a friend

So this week/weekend was quite a pleasant one. I got the new ps2 game Guitar Hero, and since doing so have been completely addicted to it. I have the finger cramps to prove it. Along with that I found myself thoroughly intoxicated on saturday night after a night of pool and guitar hero. I also have made it a habit to go out and do chores alone. Reason being is I hate going out alone, but love to be alone when I'm at home. I guess I hate being in the world alone, not sure why... maybe I'm scared of the world, or scared of what I might do while I'm alone. Regardless it's a habit that must be kicked, because I feel that due to my stupid insecurity I am so needy for a relationship. It's all these little tidbits that you normally don't accredit to your dependencies that actually accrue for most of our faults. I figure if I can beat this, I can beat the other things and maybe when the right girl comes along... I'll be mature and man enough to swoon her to the dark side and have a nice meaningful relationship.

Speaking of women... this girl... we'll call her number A(hehe) keeps popping into my life and out of it. She gives me the signs she cares and that makes me want to just show up outside her house and say Let's rock, then the next second she is giving me the cold shoulder and basically telling me to give up (well not literally saying it but just by her actions). So girl number A is an awesome chica and someone I know that I get along with, but we also have our differences. I just wish she would make her mind up because if she wants to try it with me fine... if she doesn't she should just stop talking to me. I left the door open to her but I'm not gonna hold my breath. Girl A if you ever read this... just come over, have a talk with me over a nice cup of coffee bean and make your damn decision and we'll go from there. Too bad she doesn't read this... sigh...

I think being a caveman is so awesome. Everything was so simple... eat and breed. That was it... sure you had to survive the land and various predators but dang man... eat and breed. I wonder if cavemen loved? If so... then it wouldn't be so awesome because my whole awesome idea was based on lack of emotions. Ever watch clan of the cave bear... great movie.

Stop messing with Joe's heart...

Joe, break out the dvd player

Yo Joe,

We need to go out and get some lesbian porn made for lesbians. Not the gay porn that lesbians like to watch. Seriously...it's supposed to be the best way to learn how to please chicks. Yea yea...you made p0rn, not buy it, you have a 5 lb cock. Whatever.

-bender

break time

So I'm sitting here bumping "dress you up" by madonna grooving to the music and pondering over the next few years I am going to involve myself in. I have sat down and thought about this for about 4 days and have come to the conclusion that I have graduated... done what I had to do )or what I thought I had to do to make my family happy). Now it's "hips don't lie" by the hottie shakira. So I'm going to have to execute this plan I've come up with complete dedication. No more chickenshit cop outs, if I'm going to do something that my parents disagree with I have to put my whole heart and soul into it. I have already told them and heard each ones reaction and well, too bad. My father was pleasantly supportive and my mother was pretty upset but whatever. Now I have to tell my grandma and that can wait, my grandma is my biggest supporter and has always told me to be the best at whatever I do. So I have my interview tomorrow, wish me luck...

On a side note, now is not a time to worry about females, they only fuck shit up. Besides... no matter what girl I come across, none have seemed to give me that "better than my ex" feeling. I don't know but I have been thinking about my feelings and trying to logically place everything. All signs point in another direction but... my heart says I should be with her. I've always been able to beat myself with logic and I have never tried to be that hopeless romantic, but I don't know... are people capable of change. Can relationships change, and even if I did go back how would she react not talking or seeing me in 4 months. Has she moved on, am I feeling empty because I'm in this house, the house I repaired for us to live in. So many things you can't escape. Including these feelings that won't seem to go away.

joe is focused on his goal, happy that he's confronted his family... but wondering if it is truly over with her. If him standing up to his fears, has someone changed something inside of him. Blah too much thinking.. time to eat some lunch and laugh with the token white guy.

damn...

you lose touch with a friend for a couple of years and then you see her in maxim.

http://www.maximonline.com/hotties/votingprofile.aspx?id=13135

-bender

another one of those days

Looking at old pictures...damn...you're the devil...

on a sidenote. Paul, I love you bro.

This Saturday I was craving sushi. Went over to Fuji's, sat at the bar and watched the lil fishies floating by on wooden boats...then everything was alrite...and I went into song...

Tuna in tight little rows on my platter
Eating like this I will surely get fatter
Salmon and snapper on wood boat floating
These are a few of my favorite things

Last time I came here I had explosive diarrhea
It's all good cuz that's how we do it in Korea
Wasabi in big clumps I'm finding it stings
These are a few of my favorite things

Waitresses in dresses with tight lil asses
What is this bulge I am feeling large masses
ho's be great for Saturday night flings
These are a few of my favorite things

When my bike gets jacked
When they find the jacker's dead body in an alley
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel...so bad

-bender

Lame fat people

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate on being fat. But seriously, it's time to take responsibility for it. The nutrition class at the med school is so freaking lame. They'll blame everything...genetics is making people fat, the diets that are out there suck, blah blah blah. They want new laws and try to sue food companies for making fatty foods. I mean, shit, fatty food has always been around. There were donuts while I was growing up. You don't fucking see me beached on my bed, being lifted out by a crane as construction workers cut down the wall to remove me from my prison. Why the hell is there so much heat on food producers? We all know it's bad for us. Why is the onus on them? They're just running a business like everyone else. If you like their stuff and get fat from eating too many ding dongs, tough luck. Go on a diet. haha. Oh I forgot. They don't work. So freaking lame...

-bonder

I'm not the man I used to be

I haven't posted in a long while...haven't really wanted to talk. In general I've been avoiding people and social situations. I've been needing to retreat a lot to lick my wounds, even though I've healed quite a bit.

The only person I've kicked it with even a lil is my boy rabbit. One of the main reasons that I've been avoiding people is because I've changed...it's kind of hard to explain, but I don't like what I've become, at least for the time being. It's almost like I'm watching someones else make an ass of himself. After the schism, I've been trying to pick up the pieces of who I was. So much of who I was and wanted to be was shared with Mo. Seriously, I have a hard time remembering what I brought into the relationship and what she taught me. Anyhow, for some reason, my mind has been rejecting all things Mo and it has been trying to rediscover itself. The main problem is, it's starting from 4 years back, way back...back in time. The insecure, perverted, socially awkward (more so than now) boy that I was is back. It's like I've reverted to a beta version of myself and it's fucking annoying. So I'm gonna lay low for a while untiil my mind straightens out whatever the fuck issues it needs to deal with. Edit: on second thought, maybe it's just plain ole regression.

When you have time to think, you learn a lot about yourself. This is one part of me that I hate, because it's so hypocritical and goes against everything that I'd like to think that I stand for. I have a hard time accepting people for who they are, whether they be some ditzy chick, stupid narrow-minded religious dude, doped out hippie, whatever. I project that anger at other people and blame them for not accepting me for who I am, when it is Bender who has trouble accepting Bender for who he is. This must change.

Day by day, I'm becoming a stronger, better person. I really want to believe that, because otherwise, there are gonna be a lot of sick people next year getting a taste of my bitter pill.

Fuck, I'm really in no position to heal people. Not when I can't heal myself. It reminds me of when I went on missions to Venezuela. People who know me well, know that that I get exhausted when I have to deal with people for long periods of time. For several weeks, I had to deal with the stigma of being a messenger from God. Day in, day out, when I went to take a shit and when I hit on the underage locals. Shit, I just couldn't live up to it. Tough shit, no choice. A buddy came down hard on me, cuz it was about something greater than just me.

What the fuck was I made to do? I'm on track to becoming a tool, pushing pills and shit. God, I hope I become more mature real quick.

-bender

following is 2 letters i wrote that I won't be sending... but since I haven't posted I think I will put them up here.

letter 1

yo homeboy. Just want to say thanks for listening to me rant and bitch and whine. Of all my friends you are the only guy who has actually cared about me more than I do sometimes. You have never been scared to tell me something even if it went completely against what I thought or believed. Everything that you are is the complete opposite of me. You will be successful and I'll be a failure, but you never let that change our friendship. For some reason everything I value, you don't... and vice versa... yet somehow we remain brothers.

thanks bro, even when the rest of my world says I'm fucking crazy... you let me know I'm sane... but fucking retarded.

don't ever give up on me... I'll never forgive you if you do.

peace,
paul

Letter two

Hey it's really really really really late, and I haven't even worked out yet. After we hung up I just kinda sat down and thought about stuff. I know you are the last person I should be emailing right now since you barely know me but I guess I just feel like you have a lot in common with me and understand where I'm coming from.

First off, let me apologize if I overstepped any invisible line that might have been there. I should not have been so analytical but I guess I'm just naturally one who subjugates when a problem/or question arises. Out of everyone I've met, none of them have had to endure anything close to what I've dealt with emotionally. Then I met you, and you just tore down my entire belief system, you stood tall and said "WINNER" and it bugged the hell out of me. I was like, damn this girl faced all this adversity and isn't wallowing in self-pity, has no regrets, and enjoys every dang bit of her life. Of course I'm sure you have your flaws, and I'm sure there is a whole other side of Lorene to unmask. But from what I see, bravo... and I thank you.

After we hung up, I called my dad... and had a long conversation with him. Of my entire family, when it comes to success as far as careerwise, no one can compare. I talked with him about what I do, who I am, everything. For the first time, I was honest about who I was, and what I wanted. My entire life I've known what I was born to do, but it wasn't respectable (at least not in my head) enough for my family. I was always held as the golden child, so naturally I had to be the best... some sort of professional. I forced myself into so many bad situations because I wanted to be the one who said "winner". I had this competition with no one, with myself, and if not for recent events... I was going to lose. I'm going to take the next day or two and plan out the next step of what I need to do, but at least I won't be afraid. For this, I thank you...

I was able to talk to you, and tell you things that nobody knows, and you are practically a stranger. I have always been a prejudgemental person, and never trusted anyone... and I trusted you with stories that have been buried deep within me forever. It's weird but the only reason I did it all, is because of any person I ever encountered in my short life... you wanted to hear it. You wanted to hear what a complete stranger had to say, because you found it interesting or related to it. Because I sensed that, I trusted you... and because I was able to trust you, I was able to see... if I could open up to a complete stranger... why can't I talk to my dad, why can't I tell him that since I was 14 I knew what I should be doing but was too ashamed to try. So for the past 6 years I ran away and took the college route because it's the most accepted.

Blah... I'm just ranting now..

thanks coolgirl homiechica....

sincerely,
shortstuff

Gotta love the CL dating scene

"I'm hot and blond. No, really. I am pretty hot. I'm also in the process of getting divorced and have a daughter living at home with me. Whew, got that out of the way...here's the clincher: I have Herpes."

you've got to be kidding me.

what just happened....

so I'm at mcdonalds standing in line, and this white girl with big fake boobs, and they were uber fake cuz she was like half the size of my ex (who was skinny) just walks in. So I am on the phone with my cousin talking about Japan and stuff and pouring my soda when she comes from behind and is standing absurdly close while I'm pouring. so i go sit down, hang up with my cousin and start eating... she gets her food shortly after and sits down a table across from me and starts eating. Now as thin as she is, I start to wonder... how does she wolf down 2 cheeseburgers, fries, parfait and a sunday and still keep her shape. It's obvious she doesn't work out that intensely because I imagine if she tried running one of her boobs would just fly right off her skinny body. So I am pondering that, totally oblivious to my surroundings when I hear... "excuse me, uh... excuse me" and then I snap back into it... it's the girl and she's talking to me. So being the smooth guy I am, I ignore it kinda and look around to see if its someone else she's calling.. even though I saw her looking straight at me. I finally acknowledge to myself that she is calling me so I swallow the bite of my big mac and say hello... only to notice some guy hitting on her. It was funny cuz I zoned in just as he was saying... "Wow, you are one of the hottest girls I've ever seen" and then he followed it up with "I'm serious, are you a model or something" to which she smiled, turned to him and said "thank you, no I'm not". At that point I was about to say "yes" when she turned to face me again and says "do you know the time". The annoying guy intervene's with splurting out the time and she says... thank you. Then after me not saying a word and feeling stupid I say, "is your watch not working", I noticed she was wearing the watch and found it weird that she asked. She said.. "Ohh... I forgot I was wearing it." (total lie) and I figured out that she was trying to get the annoying guy to leave her alone so she was trying to start a conversation. I had no clue what to do at this point because the girl was very good looking (aside from her boobs which I wouldn't mind except I'm not a big fan of fake boobs) and she was at least a 9 out of 10 (quite possibly could be higher if not for the fake boobs)... but she was trying to use me to get out of a bad situation she was in. So I thought to myself this girl would never talk to me in a million years unless I had something she wanted or needed, so why should I help out a complete stranger. I mean... as a guy.. you know what it feels like to try and pick up on a girl and she shoots you down, or ask a girl to dance at a club and she gives you that... "i'm here to have fun with my girlfriends and dance with them" bullshit... SURE YOU ARE beyotch... and you just dress like a five dollar hooker for the helluvit.

I guess you figured out that I didn't help her out, I was being bitter and annoyed. She was a fake boobed girl who was still very hot, but someone who wouldn't talk to me in a million years except if she needed something so I was ok with leaving her to deal with some asshole who wouldn't take a clue.

then it hit me... what if she would talk to me, how can I be so quick to judge someone when I hate being judged myself just for being a mexican. I know what that feels like, I've been judged as a "mexican guy who isn't good enough for my daughter cuz he's not some mercedes driving fucking doctor/lawyer yuppie and I'm chinese and we are more successful blah blah blah" many fucking times (bitter aren't I) and how was I so quick to become a hypocrite.

Just as I was about to help the girl out, she did me one over. She excused herself from asshole and sat at my table. introduced herself and told me about herself. she was from north carolina, came to cali to become a actress (i'm guessing adult films) and didn't know her way around la. She said she didn't know LA was so car-dependant and I just kinda nodded and told her that she'd need some form of transportation because she would not want to take public transportation being a total stranger to the environment. She tried giving me her cell phone number but I declined, said that it wasn't necessary and gave her directions to the bus hub and let her know the valley and LA were not close to each other unless you had a car. She asked for my number and I gave it to her. Before I left I asked her why she talked to me, and she said she heard my cell phone conversation about my trip to japan. She said that I couldn't be some bum if I was planning on travelling to Japan. She said she was happy that I was zoned off into space instead of staring at her tits. I replied with, well I was zoning off cuz I was thinking about how she stays so thin eating mcdonalds. She laughed and said she doesn't like fast food but LA is not like N.C. or N.Y.

After the chat I said I had to go and thanked her for being so nice, and I asked her if people in N.C. are as nice as her and she says yes. Hmm, duke isn't sounding so terrible anymore and I may talk to Jon about that letter of recommendation. I have been thinking about LA a lot since this afternoon, why are we such dicks, why are we so damn rude. And I figured it out, we're bigger than everything else, we have the nicest weather, we have a lot going for ourselves here. So instead of embracing all that's good, we dwell on the bad stuff, and assume the worst in everyone. We don't know anyone so we assume they are jerks/criminals/assholes.

Thank you Anne from North Carolina, you probably will never call me. Even if you did, you want to be an actress in the valley which can mean one thing. If I did get to go out with you, there is no way I can compare with peter north. But you opene up my eyes, you helped me see that I've been such a hypocrite. Although I may never be able to change my ways, at least I know there are such people out there who aren't so quick to judge.

Joe out...

why....

Why has this lonely feeling hit me so much harder the longer I've been without it? It's weird but the more people tell me I'm free, the less free I feel. the more I think about my ability to do anything I want, makes me feel less motivated to do anything. Why do I spend so much time moping, when I got what I thought I wanted? Why do I find it so hard to sleep, unless I hear the golden voice? Why is it still a golden voice when it's been so long since it last spoke to me those 3 special words? Why do I miss saying bah humbug, and why do I want to say it, knowing anyone who hears it won't understand what it really means?

Why can't I have the happiness I had, where did it go wrong? Why can't I find my mirrormask and steal the happy life that other person is living right now while I'm in hell.

joe is whining like a bitch and cheering for his bruins...

if I can't have her anymore, please just let me have the ncaa championships... let my school win it, let me have one victory this year that seemingly has gone so wrong.

P.S. Apparently my name is on the no-fly list or some stupid shit. Reason I haven't received my passport is that there is some rapist/killer/kidnapper with my name who isn't allowed out of the country or state. Have to go to the federal building ASAP to get cleared so I can go to Japan... WOOO HOOO!!! This shit just keeps getting better and better.

yea...sac is kinda lame

I've been looking at museums in sac to find a good art exhibit to go to. Depressing...seriously, the collections here are subpar. There may be one interesting upcoming exhibit coming up in summer of 07, but yea...that's a whiles away. I miss the collections in LA, NYC and DC. Walking up and down the streets, seeing really good shit and grabbing some good fresh coffee from some guy in a bike shack, rather than some lame starbucks. On the flipside, it'd be interesting to reach back to my pampered college days and visit the leland stanford mansion in sac...I bet that'd get old really fast. I miss feeling like I'm a part of the world. I want to feel alive like I did at Oxford, where I read 6 different newspapers and talked shit to people from around the world and got fired up about the world we live in, global politics and the fate of some endangered amphibian in a drying out lake. The highlight of my social interactions this week was getting shitfaced at a ghetto luau party and getting pity kisses and falling asleep in the arms of random women while pomorleau took incriminating footage of me. Actually, maybe it wasn't all that bad. damn...I guess that's what they call life.

-bender