international medicine

I love this picture. This guy looks like he is gonna have a stroke or something.

On a sidenote, I just beat my roommate's Super German team with my wimpy Norwegian team in FIFA. I don't know what I like more about the game...soccer, or watching my roommate throw a fit every time I give it to his goalie in the eye. Probably the latter.

Beck it like Bender

Choose your poison

wine is fun. wheee....

Bender is an alcoholic

christmas is around the corner

So, thanksgiving is over... let's bask in it's glory for a bit..
*bask*

*bask*

*bask*

Ok, now that we have basked, and gained about 10 pounds let's get on with the stories. So this year, was the first time in my life I went shopping early in the morning for black friday. It wasn't all that I heard it was, but mostly cuz I didn't shop, I took jenn shopping, I hope she had a blast cuz seriously... waking up at 5 in the morning aint something I want to do just for kicks. She got some nice clothes and I bought her a nice fleece sweater (the best looking thing bought that day, if you ask me). So now onto the ranting.... white girls (blondes to be exact) are fucking useless. OMG I wish I could just he-man bitch slap them upside the head. So we got ripped off by the stupid ass workers at Hollister (which by the way is in Puente Hills but employs NO ASIANS, NO MEXICANS, only UGLY FUCKING WHITE PEOPLE) so we gave them a chance to fix it. Their answer... you are wrong. Then they just expected us to walk away. So me and jenn went outside so we could gather our thoughts then went back in and started to cause some fucking ruckus. We played good cop, bad cop. I was the good cop, jenn was the bad cop. It was funny cuz I was dealing with the stupid workers and even DUMBER manager, all while Jenn was making comments like "they are so freaking stupid", "how did she become a manager", "these are the most worthless workers ever", "everyone here deserves to be fired" all loud enough for them to hear but not screaming. It is times like these believe it or not that make jenn so attractive to me. I was trying to calm her down but at the same time just basking in the anger she was dishing out. It makes me real happy to know that my partner hates people just as much as I do, especially useless people. It would be hard to coexist with someone patient and who gave people the benefit of the doubt, because I will have none of that shit. If you are doing a job, do it right, I don't like mickey mouse half ass jobs. I think people (by people I mean mostly whites and blacks but not all because I am sure there are some outliers) are getting fucking lazier and stupider. Now you can call me racist... but go to san francisco and go to santa monica... you see the poor people, see the dumbass hippies... they are either white or black. You will not see a mexican beggar or hippy, you will not see an asian, no armenian, no indian. Only white, or black. So as hard as you don't want to accept it, it's there in plain black and white. NO GREY..

Back to my thanksgiving weekend, saturday was really freaking windy, and my roof started to get blown off (due to some saboteur who I will find and beat the shit out of)so I had to fix it, I tried to do it at night, and by myself and that was bad news (fell down pretty hard) so I had to just stick with a quick fix until the next morning. Sunday I fixed it all and finished the upstairs room of my house (WOOT!!)

Saturday night was fun though, I saw Chicken Little at the El Capitan in hollywood, IN 3-D, how badass is that? So yeah that was fun.

On a side note I can't stand older people who are just plain old jackasses. EXAMPLE: Me and Jenn go into coffee bean to get her a drink and stand in line behind the people ordering. Now we are standing in line, the line going from the register to the door. Then some old lady cuts in front of me, she was standing on the other side, where you receive the drinks. Jenn is like "did she just cut" and I respond "it's cool babes, she's an older lady and probably isn't patient, besides she's going to die before us so she needs more time to do important stuff" (this exchange was through whispers of course but I was louder than jenn cuz I wanted the rude lady to hear some of it, I know I'm a dick but she cut and we had been waiting with other people waiting behind us as well). So after the bitch (you'll find out why she is called so in about fifteen seconds) pays she turns to me and says, "are you waiting in line" and I nod and then she says "the line is THAT WAY" and points to where you Pick UP the drinks. Then she walks away, and as she is doing that jenn says "WTF, that lady is just making up that bullshit to justify her cutting" which I acknowledge and let go. We pay, and get our drinks and start to walk out the door. Then I see the old hag again (she was in her 50's maybe) and say out loud, but not loudly "what kind of an idiot thinks that a restaurant would have a line on the inside of the restaurant opposite of the entrance and blocking where you pick up food". We went to watch Harry Potter and had another adventure there. But back to my point, I HATE it when older people think they are right or try to justify shit because they are old and wrinkled. Seriously people, COMMON FUCKING SENSE CONQUERS ALL. I don't care how old you are, if you don't have common sense you are an idiot. ARGH!! I was telling Jenn, how does someone that dumb make it to be that old, I can't believe she hasn't done something like tried to use a blow dryer in the bath to save time or something like that. Anyways, for the love of humanity people, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE I BEG of you, if you have no common sense... SHUT THE FUCK UP, and try to learn some. If you see someone doing something smart, try to mimic them. Like you see someone like me, who always has napkins with him... common sense... you need to take a shit but the dirty fucking public restroom has no TP... BAM!! you're set.. You get in a fight and beat the shit out of some dumbass and get their blood all over you, BAM!!! wipe that shit off. Seriously... the world could learn a lot from me.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

Go JOE!!!

Can't shake it

Biker Billy's death is bothering me a lot. He was in the biking lane, following all the rules, when some shit kid mowed him over. Over 17 thousand posts...man. This guy loved to bike and knew a thing or two about bikes.

I keep thinking back to the summer after my junior year. My running partner from the year I ran cross country, Dennis Loh, fell asleep in his car and passed away on his drive down from Berkeley. Everyone thought I had died and kept calling me to make sure that I was alive. That was strange...Does mourning at a funeral, all the pain...does that affirm that the deceased deserved to walk the earth? Is a live worth only a mourn and a wail, to become a distant memory.

I wonder, what is the purpose of the funeral? To mourn? Remember? What would I want? I guess just some family and a few friends. Cremation...ashes to ashes. Spread at the cliff on the southern end of Zuma Beach in So Cal. I don't want random people at my funeral. If I were looking down, I'd think, Bitch, why you crying? I don't even know you. Shiiiiiit. Or at least I can picture someone saying that.

Man...I wish I were a kid again. When you grow up, you don't do that much more, just worry a lot more. When I was young, I remember a time I was so angry that I decided I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. That lasted until 10:30pm. Why aren't things that simple anymore? My sleep is so sensitive, I sometimes keep myself awake about what type of shampoo to buy. I shit you not.

I guess I'm getting old. Maybe that's why Superman was so popular. Defeat age...defeat all your weakness. I wanna be able to take a bullet and laugh at 50 cents or whoever else took a cheap shot at me. Imagine being able to spin the Earth backwards to save your dead girlfriend. I just thought it'd mess up the Earth's axis and destroy the universe as we know it. Who knew it turns back time. I can see why people take drugs...to feel good. But to feel good without a reason, without the motive...it's all a big lie. I think misery is under-rated. I mean, you can't have a rainbow without the rain.

Then there's the opposite. I remember in high school, our high school newspaper won 1st place at nationals for best newspaper. Everyone was excited, but I wasn't really that happy. I was so burnt out. I was so confused why I wasn't happy. I'm not sure what was missing in my life at that point?

All my life I've been looking for that something something. Looked toward religion, relationships, inwards. I always think of something CS Lewis said. Perhaps the object that can fulfill me is not found in this world...which brings us back to religion. Kind of a catch-22.

All I want is to feel this way
Bender

p.s. I wanted to put this in earlier, but it messed up the flow of my thoughts. When bad things happen, it's a time to feel bad. When people you love pass on by, it's time to mourn. Nothing wrong with that...you don't take a drug to get over that. Wallow in it, because it means that something was there before. Something beautiful...something Good.

Too funny

I saw the strangest thing on the freeway today. There was a huge group of bikers riding Harleys. They were huge guys decked out in their studded leather, but in the back they all had boxes of Barbies or teddy bears tied town to their choppers. Must've just gotten back from their Christmas shopping. How odd.

Bender

God rest your soul Biker Billy...

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/11/26/textmessage.death.ap/index.html

This guy's handle was Biker Billy on the forums in Bicycling magazine's website. I have a lot of respect for this man. He gave me tons of advice when I first started road biking and I followed his advice religiously when I went out shopping for a road bike. Some shit kid ran him over while text-messaging on a cell phone. BB was a great mentor to a lot of folks in the bicycling community. I feel like a part of me has died. I guess I should lift up a prayer to our lady Ghisallo, the patron saint of cycling. Yea...I know, it's ridiculous that there's even a patron saint associated with the sport.

http://gorp.away.com/gorp/location/europe/italy/bik_ghis.htm

I guess today was a weird day. After seeing my parents off, I watched Requiem for a Dream to watch people do sad things for and because of drugs. Then I debated whether I should watch Clockwork Orange to see some gratuitous violence, but I settled on Kids, just so I can watch a random brother get clobbered by a skateboard gang. The best part is when Telly hacks a noogie at the bleeding corpse. Wow...I've got problems.

Sometimes Bender disturbs even himself

From my mom's side of my family

I must've gotten my smooth communication skills from my mom. I was sitting at Cafe Bernardo's for brunch today with my folks. My dad and I were talking about the country fried potatoes and he was joking about them being grown in Louisiana. Then my mom burst in with, did you know that the daughter of the CEO of Samsung committed suicide? Wha?....

Bend it like Bender

The evening speaks...nope, it was just my wind

I've been listening to Toad the Wet Sprocket's - "All I Want" on repeat since hearing it in rabbit's car. That was Monday evening. I love the song, the catchy lyrics, the thumping 80's beat, and all that other good stuff. I wonder what they're singing about. I thought the chorus "All I want is to feel this way, To be this close, to feel the same" meant that the singer wanted to always feel the love he felt at the moment for his love. However, the other parts of the song suggest something different.


Nothing’s so loud
As hearing when we lie
The truth is not kind
And you’ve said neither am i (I wondered if he cheated)
But the air outside so soft is saying everything
Everything (the speaking air is counterintuitive. Referring to the silence, the awkward moment that fills the void before a first kiss, or before the break-up speech)

All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, I feel it say... (What is the evening saying?)

Nothing’s so cold
As closing the heart when all we need
Is to free the soul
But we wouldn’t be that brave I know
And the air outside so soft, confessing everything
Everything (Perhaps the couple is in love, neither is willing to admit it...so the winds howl in angst of what could've been...or seemingly should be. But wait! :T)

And it won’t matter now
Whatever happens to me
Though the air speaks of all we’ll never be (I guess they don't get together...so the singer is basking in the lies...the momentum of the wind...the thought of what could've been. Everything suggests a partnership that didn't work out. The problem is...it doesn't really fit with the first set. Lying about the relation part may work, but what about the singer not being kind? Perhaps he is a dick, like Tucker Max, but with his one true love. I'm not sure...I'm becoming a pansy. Must be because I just watched You've got mail again with my parents)
It won’t trouble me

And it feels so close
Let it take me in
Let it hold me so
I can feel it say...

I apologize for more of my mindless drivel. Well, not really. This helps me clear my head.


My parents are too funny. We were watching you've got mail, but they were so confused. They were wondering why two unmarried people were sharing a bed. They couldn't understand why a partner would leave their SO's apartment in the morning. haha. I guess they're a little old-fashioned like that. I don't really care about that, except it cost me a pretty penny when I kept my own space at Stanford during my year off.

The movie also made me realize that what we sense and experience are inherently tied to our mental training. To rephrase that, we assume that people will obviously notice that there was a lot of dick in "The Piano" or that Magnum PI drove a red sports car. Not so! Maybe people have just trained their minds to pick up on these things. I've watched you've got mail over 20 times and I didn't notice Tom Hanks had an IBM thinkpad until after I got one. Then it automatically become one of the first things I noticed. My dad wondered what a unmarried couple would possibly want to do in bed together. My mom noticed that whenever a couple split, it was always the women who kept the apartments. Interesting...quite. Reminds me of my friend Dave talking about how the birdie in Badminton is called a flying nut sack or something like that. Sure dave...anyhow, I'm feeling a lot better now.

I'm excellent at antagonizing and mocking people I don't like. I'm not very good at keeping a grudge against family and friends. I was pretty PO at my bro earlier, but fuck it. Whatever...wachagoin'adoabutit. I'm ok with it now. Funny how that works out. Anyhow, Joe, hope you got a lot of turkey and maybe did a little stuffing of your own. peace.

Bender is feeling like a big pussy

I'm just a little ticked off

Thanksgiving was nice. Had a nice little turkey dinner out of a box from Safeway. It was nice getting together with my parents, my brother and his girlfriend. I was really really looking forward to this vacation. I guess people develop thick skins or whatever from Law School. Maybe Med school has made me soft. I love my bro, but I can't really say that I like who he is anymore. I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt my whole life, but sometimes he just does things that really disappoint me. I understand that you've gotta watch your back when the competition heats up, but shit, who only looks out for himself and not his family. To those who say blood is thicker than water, fuck you. Some of my friends would do a lot more for me.

Bender needs a stiff drink

Too funny

Haha. Idaho is pathetic. I got this link off of Maddox's website. It's a bill in the Idaho legislature commending the makers of Napoleon Dynamite for increasing awareness of Idaho. haha. lame.

http://www3.state.id.us/oasis/HCR029.html

Bender is da sheeeesh.....

Keep me company while my girl is gone

So the winter is starting and it's been cruel thus far. My only good experience thus far was Jenn's birthday which was a long time coming (3 years to be exact). Since then I've dealt with the loss of Rambo (the greatest running back in Packer and Madden history) and the loss of thanksgiving dinner. Also my only happy place is gone right now due to my piggy being out of the country on personal business. I'm so sad, I never realized how miserable I get when I have no one to talk to, to say good night to... I feel so crappy and lonely. I mean I have dealt with distance before, but nothing to where I couldn't contact her, it's really shitty cuz I'm a very paranoid person. I think the worst of the world because I've seen the worst of the world so I'm always scared something bad is gonna happen. I shouldn't worry because she is with her family, they raised her and should be able to protect her... but that doesn't give me peace of mind because in my head the only one who can truly keep the ugly and bad stuff away from her... is me.
I can't sleep at night and I find myself calling her phone just to hear her voice in her voicemail. It's probably pathetic but it's the only way I can keep myself sane and get any sleep. I think since she's left I've garnered about 5 hours sleep. That's five hours in 3 days. I know I'm going to start breaking down eventually but it won't matter, I won't get decent sleep until she arrives at LAX and gives me a call. Then I can get some sleep, then I can be at peace. It's terrible what love will do to a man, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'd rather lose sleep over her than get a good nights sleep alone. I just hope she gets back soon because I have a test next wednesday and need to start focusing. The funny thing is I haven't accomplished much since she left, other than painting my house. I spent all day sunday wandering around, ate dinner with my mom and played some madden. Then monday I went through the whole court system (sucked) and played some more madden. Today I will probably go home after work and bring on the madden again. I hope to have my new linebacker at midseason by thanksgiving. Considering I just started the season (played all of preseason and every single training camp practice) that's about 15 hours into the game already. To get to halfway point I'll need another 20 hours. But considering I don't have much to do on thanksgiving... that sounds doable. Thank goodness for Madden, otherwise... I would have gone mad with Jenn out of town.
Thank you EA (never in a million years would I have imagined thanking the devil) for keeping me company

Joe is tired and stressed

argh...

I should've gotten the warranty on my labtop...it expired a week ago. My touchpad broke...its freaking ridiculous. I've only used it a handful of times. This sucks.

Bend her

There must be more

Cole Porter is playing in the background...


In the still of the night
as I gaze from my window
at the moon in its flight
my thoughts all stray to you.

In the still of the night
while the world is in slumber,
oh, the times without number,
darling, when I say to you

"Do you love me as I love you?
Are you my life-to-be, my dream come true?"
Or will this dream of mine
fade out of sight

like the moon growing dim
on the rim of the hill
in the chill still of the night?

This takes me on a tangent away from my initial thought, but De-lovely was the most depressing movie I have ever experienced in my entire life. I had a hard time watching in the end...the movie made me feel a vast emptiness...a crushing loneliness. I can't explain it. It just hurt.

...it's 1:46am. I guess it's not that late. I've been trying to fall asleep for the last hour or so. For the life of me, I can't fall asleep. In the silence of my bedroom, I was haunted by ghosts from my past. Memories of people that I knew, or didn't know. Thoughts of who I thought they were. Memories of who I thought I was. I'm haunted by a life unfulfilled. One that will will fade out of sight...like a falling star. A flicker, and it's gone. I cling to a lot of painful memories...on nights like this I'm reminded that I have a lot of scars from my past. All the things that I was destined to do, to be...were they just dreams?

What is deja vu? I was studying on my bed looking at pictures of pediatric orthopaetics, and I could've sworn that I've dreamt of doing this about a year ago. What does any of it mean? I had a dream about going camping as kid...two years later I ended up at a group camping site. I'd never been to the place before, but I knew the layout of the camp and knew where specific structures were. Maybe there are memories floating from a past life...parallel universe, who knows? What does it all mean? Sometimes I wonder what it's trying to tell me. Perhaps it's God telling me that all this is just a rat race...look beyond the maze and the treat at the end. That's not my purpose. The church tells me that I was made to praise God. How come I'm unhappy doing what I was made to do...to the point of aversion.

LD is hard. How far is China? Right now, it feels further than heaven. I spent an hour playing FIFA against the computer today. I was manchester united and the comp was China. I was so angry for some reason...I just played game after game, pounding and humiliating China. I guess the last laugh is on me. Her ghost is with me. I feel her presence...it mocks me. Like the scent of warm apple pie in the air, leaving just a memory...leaving a lasting hunger.

There's something missing in my life...I'm just not quite sure what it is. I'm rambling...Joe, I apologize for wasting 10 minutes of your life.

Bender - insomniac

shitty holidays starting off shitty

So I just found out my grandma is cancelling thanksgiving and moving it to friday. That sucks big hairy donkeyballs because it's tradition that we eat thanksgiving dinner at my grandmas. The whole family, but this year my Aunt and Uncle invited my grandma to go to my uncle's mother's house. BAH HUMBUG, I mean thanksgiving and christmas are the only two holidays my whole family gets together. Well I guess this dampers my mood just a huge tad. Oh well... I guess that's why I'm grumpy, huh?

Joe out

It seemed like a good idea at the time...

Today was the belated Halloween party for the med students at the Airplane hanger. I went as a drag queen and to make things more interesting, I kicked up the bust with balloons and lit them up from behind with glow-sticks. I made a point of pouring water on them and flaunting them. Hmm...in retrospect, it was a bad idea. I'm not looking forwards to seeing what the pictures will develop into.

Who's afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?

Like so many things in life, medicine is so much more than finding out why someone is sick and how to treat the disease, albeit that may be a complex mystery in and of itself. Today, like so many other days, I attended a talk to get free food. Since I voluntarily agreed to come to the meeting, I really shouldn't have qualms, but this talk hit a nerve. The subject was SB 840, a bill to provide health insurance for all Californians. Having lived the majority of my life uninsured, I am familiar with the struggles that entails. Avoiding hospital visits although they're necessary to avoid high medical bills, fearing the worst whenever someone gets sick, etc. Don't get me wrong here, I agree that everyone should have access to quality health care. I was just really irked by this particular presenation, although I'm not sure what I was exactly expecting in the first place.

The offices of Senator Sheila James Kuehl sent out some tool to sell the bill. Of course, she exaggerated the benefits, skirted all legitimate oppositional arguements and basically avoided answering all questions that hurt her cause. Typical politician. Maybe if I met her on the street, she'd be a pleasant woman to talk with. However, in that setting, she was just another sell-out politician. Very one sided and narrow-minded. So obsessed with the goal, more likely too stupid, to really understand the ramifications of what she was selling. I hate one-sided talks...but I digress.

Although I don't inherently disagree with most of what she presented, I think things like this really need to be presented in a more honest fashion. I don't want shit to be sold to me. Don't tell me that everything is going to be dandy when you don't know shit. Don't lie to me. If I'm going to take a paycut in order to support more people, then fine. But don't lie to me about it or sugar coat it with crap about more autonomy, because that isn't what's going to happen. Who is going to support this bill? Where are the doctors coming from? The government short-hands us already. Tacking on an interest to the payment isn't going to solve the problem when the problem is that there isn't enough money there to begin with. It's just going to compound the problem. Bullshit that the doctors are going to be well-represented by a union. We'll have a voice...how are we a union when we can't strike? She countered that by saying look at the nurses...they shot down all of Arnold's bill. Gee whiz...good for you. I didn't agree with The governator's agenda, but sometimes the propositions can help people. We can't just shoot stuff down based on politics and not getting what we wanted. I realize that in reality there's a whole log of log rolling going on and that we can't win every battle if we're going to win the war. But seriously people, I'd like to think that we're all in the same camp. We want to help each other, while simultaneously helping ourselves. Lets not shoot ourselves in the foot just to make a point. Please don't turn this into another trivial, well the Republicans are evil, the Republicans don't support this. Just STFU.

I admit, I did have a real guttoral response to the talk. I think I was partly playing devil's advocate because I was so disgusted with the speaker. I loved how everyone else was so enamored by her polished style and her oh so succint analysis of the situation. So simple...we've got money. Lets just spend it like this and it'll solve all of our problems. Perhaps I was getting defensive...What am I so afraid of? Maybe I just hate myself for selling out. Maybe I just want a nice happy practice where I can control my hours, see nice patients who are educated and will listen to reason, live in a comfortable home in suburbia with 2.5 kids and a dog and a white-washed fence. Maybe I don't want to be dealing with poor people who can't afford to pay their bills. I'm sorry, but I've been paying dues my whole entire life. I work my ass off, pay my taxes and all that good stuff. Med school is full of socialists. A nice swift poll of the AMA will suggest that most of the old school docs agree with me, but the AMA is the devil and is full of suits and racist old white men. I'm so sick and tired of the labels and the mud slinging. I'm re-registering as independent. I agree with most social democratic ideals, but people in general are really dumb. They're easily manipulated and will shoot themselves in the foot if you package it right. There are just as many dumbass narrow minded Democrats as there are stupid red-neck Republicans who think that John Kerry is Stan's Spawn. That's Satan's spawn you idiots.

Bender needs help...

kryptonite

This game has the potential to ruin my life. Although I beat my roommate's national Brazilian team with my wimpy local Korean team, I am voluntarily checking myself into a clinic for rehabilitation from my addiction.

Bender on crack

trying to find my inspiration

Why is it that I'm so far behind? Was it of my own doing? Was it just in the cards? I sometimes wonder, is the situation I am faced with of my choosing or was it forced onto me. I hear people say you make your own choices and nobody can force you to do something you don't want to. I beg to differ on that one. I never chose to go to HS, or Junior High, that choice was made for me by my parents and the government. I never chose to be screwed by financial aid from the getgo, they made that choice for me. My first quarter of college I met kids who had millionaire parents who were getting more financial aid than me. Sometimes I think that I did something bad and karma came back to get me. Other times I think someone did something bad to me (giving me crap aid) and hopefully they got what was coming to them. Anyways, from that day on I struggled to go to school, trudged as far as I could and bailed whenever I couldn't afford it. 6 years later I see my errors, shoulda taken a loan out and said oh well. It would have been much easier for me, and I'd be out by now paying that crapass loan off. Now I gotta deal with the consequences of lagging, feeling behind.

I hope that I can pull myself out of this ditch, and get where I want to go. I am tired of scraping, tired of having to choose between eating lunch today, or buying gas tomorrow.

Yo Joe is out right now, please leave a message at the beep. *Beep*

haircut

I have a new guilty pleasure...getting a haircut. I love everything about the experience. The Norman Rockwellish old school chairs, the warm soap on the back of my neck, the gritty sound of the sharp edge of the razor, the smell of baby powder brushing across my forehead on a camel-hair brush, the monotonous buzz of the clippers, the fine mist of the spray as the dew settles on your hair and the sharp shards of hair that fall like pine needles around your chair. That is the essence of the barbershop.

I love going to the Davis Barber Shop. A thin woman who looks 60 normally cuts my hair. I asked for a two on the sides, but she insisted that I needed a three and that a two would look too short on me. Ok...whatever. So I let her cut the three and you know what? I really liked the three. It reminded me of the doctor-patient relationship. Patients come into the office asking about the latest direct to consumer drug ad they saw on television or about some novel treatment they read about on the ny times. Doctors know their patients and know how best to treat the patient's diabetes, flu, etc. Perhaps this is a paternalistic approach and works for some people and not others, but this one time, I really appreciated the fact that she didn't wack my hair off and take my money. That would've been simpler. I would've thanked her and tipped for for giving me exactly what I had asked for. Then we'd both be none the wiser. I'm glad that she intervened and I know I look good.

I wanted to seek her out the next time I needed a haircut, so I asked her what her name was. She pointed to an old sign that said jeanenne. Then she asked me what my number was. Wha... a few seconds later, she pointed to my hair and told me that I was a three.

I can live with that.

Bender

Perhaps true love is a figment of our imagination

Response from the sagacious rabbit to my previous post: This guy should grow some balls and get other it.

Society has created a mirage of love and happiness. Everyone is always seeking the ever so elusive "the one." I hear women talking about him all the time. They saying things such as, "I'm not sure if he is the one" or "I let my true love get away." How do we know when we've found the one? Will we ever know? Is there even such a thing as the one? I've heard the one described as something that gives you a warm fuzzy feeling inside...Makes you feel comfortable. I guess that would make hot chocolate the one for me, or perhaps a King Henry cut at the House of Prime Rib. Either way, many people live out their lonely lives in fear of settling and missing out on spending the rest of their lives in the fabulous arms of their soul mate. For this very reason, many people live a miserable existance in solitude because they are holding out on a hope...hope can be a very scary thing. Wouldn't it be easier to just settle with someone that you like and are comfortable with?

Perhaps if people settled with someone, with the music and fanfare that welcomes the one, maybe then we'd be happy. I guess we could even give this event a name...how about marriage? I guess what I'm getting at is that the very thing that we think will make us happy may ultimately make us miserable. It's similar to the conspiracy of the diamond engagement ring. Many women are not satisfied until they have a karat on their ring finger. They are unsatisfied with their rock upon comparison to the Tiffany's rock on the finger of the Jones's. Of course, this is all silly. Diamonds are inherently worthless. There was a time when nobody wore diamond engagement rings. The diamond industry was a dying industry until Be Beers hired N. W. Ayer & Co. to start the diamonds = love, diamonds are forever campaign in the 30's. Then came the standard of the diamond engagement ring and the whole 3 months salary bit. Perhaps this wouldn't be so bad if diamonds kept their worth, but they're inherently worthless, compared to a staple of capital, such as gold.

Perhaps we would all be much happier if we learned what most of the world has already mastered: The fine art of settling. I personally think that settling is underrated. By this I don't intend to say that people should stay in a sexually charged abusive relationship or anything even remotely as exciting as that. Rather, it's something comfortable, like tea & biscuits. There may not be a burning fire, but there is always a date on Friday night, a head to lean on in the still of the night, and someone to make you chicken soup when you're sick.

But what about love? What about passion? The one? Well, it does seem like an awfully high price to pay for comfort...a chance to be happy. Happiness...well, that's a very subjective thing. However, I don't think settling necessarily equates to a world without love. What is love? Love is a splended thing. All you need is love. That's such eloquent bs. Most kids and many adults for that matter think that love is that special feeling you get when you're with that special person. I personally think that's infatuation. In my life, I've come to understand that love is a verb. To love someone is to make a decision; a choice to love someone. Regardless of how you feel about them at a given moment, one chooses to act in accordance with the best interests of the person that they love. This may entail letting that special person go. I guess the question really is, if you decide to love someone, does anyone actually fall in love? Who does one choose to love, and why? With whom does love grow?

My dad seems to think that people are pretty flexible and can love anyone. Except for people that they can't stand or have a strong gut reaction to upon acquaintance. I guess you can't really chance that. I'm still trying to figure out what love is and what love's got to do with it.

If true soul crushing love exists, sometimes I wonder if I've genuinely been "in love" as the world claims. I love my girlfriend and I have a really hard time imagining my world without her, but I don't really obsess about it. I'm not in love with the concept of being in love. Every time I think about love, desire and attraction, I come back to the Greek myth of tantalus. He basically suffers from perpetual hunger and thirst in hell. He is neck deep in water and inches away from food. Unfortunately, the water recedes when he reaches down and the wind blows the fruit away from him every time that he reaches for food. One day, if my memory serves me right, Persephone was walking through the domain of Hades. She took pity on Tantalus and gave him a drink. Oh the ecstacy! However, those were the last drops of water to touch his parched lips. The memory of that drink lingered forever to further torture him with thirst. Perhaps, once you've really loved the one, you'd rather live in a life of misery than settle, much like a heroin addict goes for a buzz despite the impending low times that follow the sublime. damn...love sucks.

Bender on love

Who says true love is dead?

Complements of Craigslist

I chased you for 12 years around the world, and I still can't find you - m4w - 30
Reply to: anon-30593810@craigslist.org
Date: Fri May 07 02:06:37 2004




When I met you in 1990, you said that you'd marry the man who'd follow you around the world. We were just sophomores in high school, so I didn't know what to think. I thought it was just some school girl romantic fantasy. All I knew was that you were the girl for me. We were only 15 years old, but I had this feeling that you'd play a major role in my life. After we graduated from Aragon High School in San Mateo, you revealed to me that you were accepted to Berkeley, but you wanted to go to Germany for college. Remember that night we spent ice skating at Fashion Island? You said that you loved me, but you had to cut off all ties with to be able to move on. That was the last time I ever saw you. I said I'd wait for you, but you told me not to and to just move on...but I remember what you said sophomore year.

You were accepted at the University of Tübingen, Berlin. I left home for Berlin. For 4 years I looked for you. You made the impact you always did in Berlin. People heard of you, but didn't know where you were. Nobody helped me. I wasn't good enough for Tübingen, so I attended Technische Universität Berlin where I earned a degree. I am now fluent in German, a language I never intended to learn. After graduation, I returned to San Mateo thinking you returned as well. I called your mother on the summer after you graduated, she said you had left for grad school in Tokyo. I left again, this time, to Tokyo. Auf Wiedersehen.

Your father said you are studying business at Keio University in Tokyo. I looked all over Tokyo for you. From the morning rush at Shinjuku Station, to the last train on the Tozai-line bound for Nakano. You were never found. To make ends meet, I got a job at NOVA, then in 1998 I got a real job at DoCoMo. I fell in love with Japan and its culture. I learned the language, and I am now fluent. Another language I never intended to learn. I went to the graduate office at Keio University's school of business seeing if you were set to graduate. There you were, on the list. I was denied entry to the ceremony since I had no tie to anyone graduating. That was the closest I had ever come to seeing you since grad night back in high school. Two months after graduation, I resigned from DoCoMo. I recieved an email from your cousin (You know, Jerry's ex-girlfriend) saying you had gotten a job in Hong Kong. I left my friends, my job, my home, my fiance, and everything Tokyo gave me to search for you. I'm so sorry Mizuki. Kima wa itsumo kokoro no naka ni iru.

It was 1999, and I had just arrived in Hong Kong, and so did you. Six months later, I found out you had left Hong Kong because you didn't enjoy your new job. From Causeway Bay to Kowloon, there were traces of you, but never the real entity. Your father told me you went to India for training for a tech company, then were to be set up in London. I don't know if I searched for you for no reason, but then again, my searches have always been fruitless. I went to Seoul to take up a lucrative job offer at one of LG's sister companies, Hiplaza, Inc.

In late 1999, I had already been established in Korea. I worked for Hiplaza, then 3 years later, LG. For the first time, I was free of the feeling of having to look for you. I was in a place I knew you weren't It was like a dream. A world without you. The dream ended 3 months ago when I left LG. Now the curse of your existence has returned. An nyonghi jumuship siyo.

I'm now back in San Mateo. I haven't been here in the bay area since 1996. All my high school friends are either married, dead, or gone without a trace. I have nobody here but my dysfuctional family. Your brother said last month that you're still in London and will return to the bay area permanently this summer. I chased you around the world for 12 years, learned 3 languages, made quite an amount of money, just to meet you in the town where it all began. Fashion ISland isn't even there anymore, but the ice skating rink is still there.

I'm not German, I'm not Japanese, and I am not Korean, but I can say anything in those languages, but I can't say anything to bring you back. You made the biggest changes in my life without barely stepping foot into it. I don't know if I should thank you or hate you, but one thing I'm sure of, I miss you dearly. Your cousin told me what your brother couldn't bring himself to tell me. 3 hours ago I recieved an email saying the reason why you're coming back is because you want to have your wedding in San Francisco, and that it was your fiance's idea.

Fuck you.

Best
Bender

House of God

House is a medical show that's I've been watching a lot lately. It's basically about a doc and his team trying to solve the etiology of difficult cases (9pm on Sunday nights at Fox). I like to think that I'm an objective person, but sometimes I really wonder if I'm always looking through my rose-colored fob fendi glasses. For example, almost everyone I know hates Dr. House, the protagonist in the show. He is kind of a personal hero to me. I admit that he can be a dick sometimes, but it's usually directed at people who deserve it. He knows a lot of crap and he tells it like it is...he tells people things that they don't want to hear because it'll help them. Often times the character is thrown into situations with conflicting interests...he always goes with what is right, rather than what the average preson would do. I know that "right" is subjective, but I'm going to ignore post-modern thought for the time being. This may mean telling the truth even if someone he cares about might be negatively impacted by this decision. (Yes, I know there is a conflict of micro-management of values here). Personally, if a buddy of mine did something stupid to someone, I'd harass and make fun of the person hurt, then reprimand my friend in private. I choose not to take sides against a buddy even if I know if he is wrong.

When I'm more honest with myself, I like House a lot because I can relate to the character. Not that I'm an arrogant bastard, although I can be a dick at times...eg. drawing a penis on a woman with testicular shaped thyroid enlargement. Anyhow I keep thinking of an episode where House keeps avoiding his parents. He and his parents have a love-hate relationship. House is extremely accomplished, but on a deep psychological level, he hates himself. Essentially unfulfilled with what life has to offer. His father hates seeing him because it's torture...seeing your child living a miserable existance. Makes the father feel that he has failed the child at some level. I always think back to junior high and high school. Damn...I was a depressed little child...just downright miserable. I'm really scared that my kids will turn out like that. I don't know if I can live with myself knowing that I brought life into this world and they end up being depressed...brought them into this world to achieve personal self-actualization via child rearing. I guess that's a cynical way of looking at it. I know children are resilient, but everything about fatherhood frightens me. I know a lot of people don't believe in god, but he is real to me. I was baptized as an infant. Most people don't take it very seriously, but I take it very seriously. It's a promise to raise my child in a godly manner...not in the way that supports discriminating people who are weak...but feeding the hungry, feeding the soul and mind...teaching others to grow to love other people. I always believed in that shit, but it's become really hard to believe. there are a lot of freaking stupid people in this world...and it's depressing. I always talk about how I hate talking about my feelings and shit. At some psychological level, I know that it's because I feel a failure on my part as a provider. I didn't make them lose weight, exercise, or fix their diabetes. I feel sorry for these people...I really do. I wish I could help them, but I know I can't. I haven't even started any real medicine yet, but I look at it as a personal failure...perhaps that's why I'm so turned off by primary care.

I guess I'm a messed up kid. I've been wondering why it bothers me so much when I recognize faults in other people. On a conscious level, I loathe their weakness. In my subconscious, I despise the weakness in myself. It reminds me of all of my personal failures. It reminds me of my awkward relationship with christianity. The church teaches that Jesus loves and accepts you for who you are, but sees the great potential for growth in each individual. I've never really been able to accept grace my whole life. All my life, I've clawed my way to the top. Success was an option, failure not. That's why I hate christianity...it reminds me of my shortcomings as a human being. Nobody is perfect. In my earlier years, I thought that if I worked hard enough I could be. I didn't take communion for years because I felt that I didn't deserve it. I always knew in my heart that I was holding a grudge, being deceitful, chasing ass, etc. I don't think these things are necessarily wrong, but I carried an intense personal guilt for the longest time. I couldn't take communion until I had cleansed myself of these weaknesses. However, by doing so, I failed to recognize the purpose of communion. Communion is a spiritually cleansing activity that reminds one that all have fallen short. Religion should be a beautiful thing in that it provides everyone with a chance to look deep within their souls and search for meaning and purpose. It should provide a chance for introspection, always with the purpose of making one a better person. In a lot of ways, it's become a lot like what I've become. Taking individual short-comings and directing that self-hate at weaker people who are perceived to be sinners. Lets be honest with ourselves...whether you're a great dane or a little poon chihuahua, we're all dogs.

Bending in the wind...

p.s. please excuse the Simpsons/Fox reference

Happy now

So I'm in a lot better spirits now, especially since my love life has been jumpstarted and running on all 12 cylinders (that's right biatches, 12 cylinders.... envy me). My fantasy team is looking pretty sweet right now and I keep getting offers for trades although they are whack ass ones. Whoever thinks Ginobili and Z. Randolph are worth Odom and Brand are fucking nuts. Although Ginobili is badass he does not make up for the production Odom and Brand give. My Lakers are 3-1 and have an easy roadtrip ahead of them so that is good. I am going to home game this season with Jenn but just have to find the time and money to do so. Also I heard the bad news about the Xbox 360, supposedly they busted the PS2 launch on the US and made limited supply so if you didn't get a pre-order you may be screwed. I didn't pre-order one, and I guess I don't need one. But almost forever I've been a MS whore and had all the MS titles and stuff like that, I was even one of the rare few who thought Sierra being bought by MS was a good move and guaranteed Sierra would stay afloat amid the surging market once PC's and Consoles were being upgraded at insane paces. Thus it's a sad note that I won't be getting one, but it's also a good thing because, well... I need to get good grades and I already have a bunch of things to keep me busy. So I guess everything works out in its own sort of way, last night I kept talking about my grandma cooking dinner like she used to when I was little. And I was suggesting she make Salmon or Pancakes, then I said she should make both. She did, it was really awkward but after a while it started tasting good. Maybe I'm on to something, maybe I could make my own restaurant... like that chicken and waffles guy... That'd be pretty kickass don't you think.

Joe out

Being joyful when times are tough

I've been pretty happy lately, so I don't really have anything to complain about. My roommate seems to be going through some tough times. One of the clinic docs...his parents are dead, he is single, and he is really lonely. His whole life is clinic and we all avoid making eye-contact with him because he'll talk your ears off...anything for some companionship. Said roomie's preceptor is a single guy in his mid 30's...being realistic, ain't much gonna happen in our 20s because of our pursuit of knowledge in medicine. Lots of sacrifices are made. Most med students get into the rut of feeling sorry for themselves...life is tough...never have any money...no free time...lonely...blah blah. I've been through the routine myself a handful of time. At some point, you've gotta saddle up your pony and take responsibility for your actions. At some time, you've gotta face yourself and stop playing the victim. Each and every one of us chose to do this...we're here because at some time we wanted to do this. There are tons of people who'd give their left nut to be in our shoes. So I choose to face the rain and not go quietly into that soft night.

On a sidenote...I wonder. Sometimes I get down on myself. If people don't like me for who I am...I can live with that. If I don't like what I've become...I don't think I can really live with that. I'm a different person compared to the person that initially entered med school. I've become more jaded and bitter...yet in a lot of ways, I'm a lot more jovial and don't take things as seriously. Maybe that's good. Sometimes I just wonder if I'm still a good person. This is one of the few professions where you'll be rewarded for being a good person...perhaps not socially or financially, but you'll be more satisfied with your job and not hate your patients/customers. I guess it's all really a matter of perspective.

I grew up in the church. I always believed in shit like helping those who are weak, telling the truth, hating evil and all that good stuff. I remember most of the preaching being pretty good stuff. When did the church become political? When did I become a stranger in the house of God? Not the hospital, but the church that is...have I changed or has the church changed. Both thoughts make me sad...I'm not sure why. I don't think I was ever an evagenlical christian...or was it? I went on missions to venezuela...I just chilled there and played basketball with the kids. I wonder if I was a judgmental person. I think I treat everyone the same...people I like I treat well, people I don't like I talk shit about, people I haven't met...well I have no basis for hating or liking them...unless they're ugly. haha. j/k. alrite, I don't feel like exploring my feelings any longer tonight.

Bender Out

I Now Know

Warning* I promised myself I would not talk about relationships in this Blog but this message pertains a lot to myself and who I am and why I am who I am, so read it and shutup.

So I've had some good times, some bad times and some new and strange times recently (I so know that sentence is structured horribly but whatever). The good thing about it all is that I have learned a lot. Lately, I think I forgot a whole lot about why I was doing things I was doing. Being in a relationship is not something anyone should take for granted, it's something you should cherish. I think somewhere along the lines me and my piggy forgot about that. I'm glad that we both remembered it (she first, then I slowly and stubbornly came around), things used to be so easy for us. I wanted to be with her all the time, she was the one girl who could rub me (the right ways, and the other ways...) and I would do everything to be with her. After time, the puppy love dies off, then either the real love kicks in, or you break up. Well we did the real thing, and when it was good, it was good. But somewhere along there we forgot why we even had the puppy love in the first place. What was it about me she wanted, what was it about her I wanted. Well needless to say, we got our shit together... it wasn't about the sex, it wasn't about the things we did. It was about a special feeling we gave each other. I think I learned what that really meant on saturday.

So I decided to spoil her for her birthday, took her out, tried my best to give her some nice things and lastly had a get together with some friends to have a blast. It was supposed to be an opportunity to make her feel great on her big day. I don't want to seem selfish, but the night belonged to me. Don't get me wrong, I did all the right things, I treated her like a princess and everything, but somehow she managed to outdo me. I made her feel like a princess and she somehow made me feel like the fucking king of the universe. This is why I was so head over heels, this is why the puppy love started in the first place, this is why I wanted to love and have her, it's why I have to have her and will have her. The whole night I was doing everything for her, and yet she never once made it about her. She tried to make it about me, and now I sit here and think.. "wow... just fucking wow". Celebrating her birthday... was something I was intent on making special, but she did me one over and made sure I was smiling, made sure I was having a blast... encouraged me to drink with my old roomie Li, never interfered at all just had a blast and tried to make sure that I was smiling first. This is why I started dating this girl, and why I was so crazy about her, she just knew how to make me smile. I am glad I discovered this, and I can only hope I make her feel the same way, she deserves that.

Hope you had a special and happy birthday Jenn.

Joe out

P.S. Dude, that movie was the shit. I remember watching it over and over and over with my grandpa while I was in like 3rd grade. Funny thing is when I would talk about that movie everyone would act like I was crazy and the idea that a gang of guys dressed like Yankee's with painted faces was stupid. Now all those same people are all of a sudden the "BIGGEST WARRIOR FANS EVER". Man I wish they all fucking choked on a piscotti, fucking trendy ass bastards. To answer your question, yes you can have 12 hours to bash some heads.

Winter Break

Yo Joe,

I'm gonna need 12 hours of your time during winter break. I want to beat the warriors. It's a game by rockstar...basically a hack and slash through the gangs of new york, based on the movie from the 70s.

finals

studying for finals...it sucks. On the bright side, this is freaking hilarious.

Bender

It's On

So, the season has kicked off, and my Lakers were victorious in their first outing. It was a tight game all day and odom was non-existent. But they pulled it out and George showed up for the first time in 2 1/2 years. I didn't get to enjoy the game as much as I wanted because I was watching it alone. It's all good cuz I was cussing up a storm cuz the ref's were being penis-wrinkles. Also how hard is it to make free throws. You get paid to fucking play basketball, you can at least take pride in what you do. Seriously... people have no sense of pride anymore, when you get paid to work out all day long, and throw a ball through a hoop you can at least make a fucking FREE throw. Those are fucking FREE points, that's why they are called free throws. Yeah so that riled me up a bit, but man watching basketball made me happy because football is exciting but, to me... nothing is as sweet as hitting a three pointer at the end of the shot clock or buzzer. Or a fast break that ends in a dunk or a exciting block, like the one Kobe did yesterday (both his dunk and his block later). I was going to watch with my dad but he was like... I'm only watching until 9... then watching LOST, WTF, man my dad turned into weaksauce. I used to look up to him as a super fan. But he just lost interest I guess, or maybe it wasn't in him ever and he was faking it for so long. I don't really know because he seemed like such a fanatic before but now all he does is watch stupid syndicated bullshit and play his computer games. I just hope my love for the Dodgers and Lakers never dies down.

Joe out..