Some sick people out there

Man...i'm pooped. Just finished off my first day of peds inpatient and finally got done listening to the profiles of a bunch of new first years.

Today was the first time I had trouble connecting with a peds patient. Kid came in with acute pyelonephritis over the weekend. Febrile, backache, epigastric pain, emesis and CVA tenderness. The whole time I was with her, she just kept watching tv and ignoring me. She kept refusing to pee, this had been going on for the past two months. I didn't get a peep out of her. Later, I learned that mom's new boyfriend had moved in a couple of months ago.

Two and two were put together. Social workers and CARE was called in to investigate possible sexual abuse. You know, it's a real sick world when you gotta worry about sweet lil 6 year olds being molested. Bothered the shit out of me all day. Was able to breathe a sigh of relief when they found no evidence of trauma and an intact hymen. Damn...I'm tired.

-bender

thoughts...

So today I was browsing the web and came upon an article regarding "the morning after pill". It's here if you wish to read it
http://health.msn.com/womenshealth/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100141801>1=8307

After reading it I thought to myself, wow... that's pretty cool. I mean I just thought about all those couples that have to use condoms because the gf can't use the pill or patch due to the side effects or whatevers. I mean I know the plan b pill is basically a concentrated birth control pill but if you were to use it once in a while you wouldn't have to worry about the crazy side-effects that can be caused by long term usage of the birth control pill or patch. I am not here to argue about whether it feels better with a condom or without cuz it's not an argument I can make because I really don't know. I just know that from a sensual view, having no condom would be a lot better (unless you prefer ribbed).

Then after thinking this was such a good idea it hit me... WHOA!! What about the STD problem that is a losing fight here in the US. I mean, wow... isn't this an open invitation for more dumbass people out there to just spread there diseases? I thought about this again, and thought what the heezy. We have abortion people complaining about this pill, but if anyone is going to make an argument against this damn pill it should be all those clinic workers who work for pennies helping HIV and other misc. STD sufferers.

It's weird but it's crazy how a little pill can have such a huge impact on our society. Or I could be wrong and it could be trivial...

The funny thing I thought about is, that this pill is sought to lower pregnancy rates of young people who aren't ready financially or mentally for a child, which in turn would have a positive effect on society due to less children born living on welfare, forced into a life of poverty or worst a life of crime. Yet it could be just as detrimental to our society by causing more of a STD problem then we can handle and cause more problems then it's worth.

Just makes you sad that when something that is meant to help can actually hurt, but that's the way everything is. Nothing is good, only has shades of good and bad.

strange

So I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm a nice guy, despite my multiple faux attempts at trying to be an asshole. It ain't me.

Today was an interesting day. Got a chance to study with a nice gal. We had some great conversation and chemistry. I think she just has great chemistry with everyone. Plus, I don't want to be a desperate guy who jumps on any gal who shows him some attention. She used to date a friend of mine a while back, so I'm gonna stay clear of this. I really could use a little company though. Whatever.

I think I'm gonna stop thinking about it and worry about it if it starts to become an issue when I work with her in gyn/onc. Women are bad for me. I'm gonna wash my hands of this one for a while.

-bender

p.s. I start wards for peds today. Between inpatient wards and heme/onc, I'm gonna start seeing some very sick kids. I'm praying for fortitude, the strength to cry, laugh and pray with those kids, and the wisdom to know when to step back and let things run their course. I'm sure if I'm lacking in any of these depts, a resident will slap me and let me know.

Fish

Being a med student on the wards is 90% attitude and 10% skill. Seriously...it makes such a huge difference. This past Thursday, I said good bye for the last time to my attending Dr. Albina Gogo. True to form, being the pussy that I am, I started crying when I said bye to her. I know deep inside that she is one of a handful of mentors who will forever shape the way I approach my practice to medicine, whether it be in pediatrics or internal medicine. Perhaps I just have attachment issues. I just have a really hard time saying bye to people that I care about. I don't take comments personally when attendings thrash me or make me look stupid in front of the residents. Surprisingly, I've developed a thick skin over the past few weeks. But really, shouldn't everything start with being personal? What's so wrong with things being personal? We're all human beings for crying out loud. Lets not imagine that one man's suffering is any greater or worse than another. It is common, but unthinkable to overlook the suffering of our fellow man because we are tired, stressed, heartbroken...It's the same health problem, but not the same patient.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm selling out. There is an episode of scrubs, where a grouchy ass patient get less facetime with the doctor. He gets the right care according to the guidelines, but he is treated differently because he is a dick. Therefore, he was given suboptimal care. I hate to admit it, but it's a lot easier to be nice to people who are nice. It makes me wonder about my future practice. My outpatient experience was amazing...mostly white and asian upper middle class folks. Everyone was nice, educated, good looking...I had a lot of fun playing with the cute kids and I really enjoyed my experience. This stands in stark contrast to the mentally unstable mother I saw in urgent care clinic who kept demanding to see my notes and kept telling me to write that something was wrong with her daughter...feet, stomach, whatever, so that she can file a lawsuit against another doctor. The mother was coaching her daughter to say that things hurt, when in fact no pathology was found on examination. I know these people need care too, but seriously, I hate seeing these patients. One encounter with them is sufficient to make me disgusted and write them off as losers. By being on the fringe, they need our love and care so much more than any of the healthy, happy kids I was seeing. I question whether I am a good enough person to love the folks who cannot love in return.

bender

Whoomp there it is...

Game over....

BOO YEAH GRANDMA!!

Reborn and revitalized...

Time to reboot this fucker and ride this sonuvabitch until it gives out.

Learn from your mistakes, and be stronger and smarter the next time...

Keep it real, kick ass up there Boy, I'm coming up to visit you winter break and we are going to seattle...

The days go by

Damn, I'm an idiot. Instead of doing my write up, I spent the greater part of my day writing a thank you letter to my preceptor. She is traditional, but edgey. I decided to go with a Shakespearean sonnet using abusive rhymes. I think it was a day well spent.

Dr. Gogo and me, the rest on sick leave
TM Good landmarks, please could you define
Soft murmurs of children, I learned to perceive
I acquired some skills I now proudly call mine

I fumbled my way through every presentation
How long? Who knows? Damn, didn’t ask it
Through trial and error I built my foundation
When put on the spot, I still sound like ****

Itchy throat, and aching tummy
What it is I cannot say
Kiddie germs sure make me feel funny
God I hope it’s not MRSA

Thank you for guiding me and teaching me meds
Hopefully on wards I’ll be turning some HEADSS

-bender

Compliments of the onion

am I worth it??

So friday was a wild night... I felt like the one thing I loved more than anything had gave up on me. I was upset and decided to handle it the best way I could, I blasted Panic! at the Disco and rocked back n forth in my metro-looking rocking/gaming chair and listened as I collected my thoughts. The next thing I know, the thing I was scared I had lost... did everything it possibly could to show me it didn't go away but needed me just as much I needed it. I sat there... wondering why she was fighting for me, not with me. How after so much shit I had given her, she was still there. I sat and wondered, how could I misinterpret everything so badly. I mean am I really that bad when it comes to reading girls feelings and actions? I guess I'm too stubborn, and have problems understanding that sometimes you need to be pushed away before you can be pulled closer. I was really sad friday night, I thought I lost something, but I ended up finding out that it wasn't lost it was just struggling to find the strength to fight for me.

I find myself asking... am I making the right decision, is she? Am I worth it? Am I worth the effort that she displayed friday, when I had started to lose hope she smacked me and showed me a focus that I had never seen in her. I start to wonder if the problems from the past will resurface... needless to say I didn't sleep friday night but instead spent the time discussing whether our love could survive. Of course we had to discuss it again on saturday... but so far, so good.

She's still fighting for me... maybe more than I am fighting sometimes... I hope I'm worth the trouble..

Joe is feeling happy because at the moment he thinks maybe he can get everything on track..

fresh start

So I've been a little indulgent this past week. In addition to burritos and pizza, I'm staying up til 1 am tonight listening to keith urban and feeling sorry for myself. I'm gonna give myself 6 more minutes, then it's over. Gray skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face. On call all day tomorrow in the peds ED. Gonna smile for the kids, play with them and pray that none of them gets hurt seriously.

-bender
6 months and counting...

Couldn't wait another day...

I caved in and called Beth today to get my step 1 scores. I'm good to go and happy to close that chapter of my life, although I must say it was nice to chill with good company, work out every day and eat lots of teriyaki express. Back to the grind...

-bender

neurology clinic

damn...you know the ped neurologist you're working with is pretty good when you do literature searches and uptodate searches on pediatric seizures and most of the stuff is written by him.

-bender

diffuse the middle east

Damn...so it begins...lord have mercy.

-bender

ps...can't wait til I start inpatient. I want mindnumbingly long hours and half-conscious nirvana to take away the pain.

ugh...out of control...

Last night was weird. For some reason, I just kept missing mo. Don't know why. Couldn't sleep or do anything. So I watched scrubs on winamp from 10pm til 3am ish, when my body just collapsed. I'm back up now and waiting for the mailman...oh wait, he just came. damn...only my cpr certificate.

I'm retarded. Rabbit called me on Wednesday and told me that I can call in and get my board score. I figured I should just wait til I get it in the mail this week. It's not going to change the score. I have this stupid pride thing where I want to seem like I am nonchalant about my score, could not care less. I've never called in about any test before. Everybody be cool...every day it's been getting a little bit harder to be cool.

On the bright side, my 2 years is up for my contract with Verizon, so it's time for me to get a new phone. =D yay! Me thinks that I'll be getting the Nokia 6236i. Finally, a non-flip phone. It makes me happy. Now I won't get cuts from from specks of glass when I talk, plus I'll even be able to see who is calling me. Sweet...

So my boy stu from college asked me to be a groomsman. His fiancee's friends are hot, so of course I agreed. What does a groomsman do anyway? I know the best man gives a nice little talk and sets up and pays for the tuxes and bachelor's party. That's supposed to be the "honor" of being the best man. Groomsman seems like all the perks, without all the work. So, ok.

-bender is waking up from a fog of war

Work it son...

So work has been such an upper and downer. AN upper in a sense that I am finally getting stuff accomplished with my time, and a downer in seeing what a large portion of people are like. I feel so sheltered, so upset and so naive. I always knew people were stupid, lazy and fucking inconsiderate. But in the amount that it is spilling out with America's Youth, *SIGH* it just saddens me. Tasks that were menial and easy have now become an art. If you work at a restaurant... being a good server is something people notice, I think... WHY?? You get paid to bring food to a table, take orders and smile. This is not something that is very hard, yet... it's rare to have a good waiter.. and when I say good waiter, what I really mean is someone who does his/her fucking job the way it was meant to be done. I guess I have always been sheltered, worked at Sony with some of the best programmers and techs around, even the customer service department I worked with was awesome and had unrealistic goals and busted their ass to get there. This is what I have always been about, doing your job because it's your fucking job. I worked at a law firm that had one of the best lawyers in Cali as a partner. We always fucked around during off time but during crunch time we put in crazy 11 hour days with lunch being a cup of coffee from starbucks. I was exposed to the best America had to offer, and now I'm being exposed to the complete opposite. Stupid America's Youth, make me regret my thoughts of having kids. I hate living with these dumbasses, how can I think about bringing kids up in this world that will no doubt have even DUMBER people in it at that time. Jenn and I discussed our desires and wants regarding children, and I think we have the same wants and desires and same worries.

Gosh America, why did you go down the shitters... we used to be the fucking best. Then those stupid softies fucked everything up. Can't beat your kids, can't kill criminals without spending thousands of dollars before doing so. When the founders of this country came together I don't think they knew it would be like this, they didn't design a country that would allow stupidity to take over, allow criminals to waste money. I'm sure if they looked at how it is now, they'd say.... WHOA!! time to make some changes before we ratify this shit. Don't get me wrong.. I love America, sometimes more than I should. I'm seen as an immigrant in this country and looked at as a second class citizen when my family has been in california since it became part of the US. I just think that when the founders designed this place, it was under different conditions and things need to be changed (not by our current president and congress cuz they are fucktards)

I just hate stupid people... people who don't beat the fuck out of their kids when they do wrong, people who don't teach their kids values and respect. That is the reason the US is going in a downward spiral, PARENTS. Not the economy, not war, not anything else but parents. You can make the best from the worst, you can live being poor, I've seen it done and I know Bender knows it. You can make the best from the worst, but if you have fucked up parents who don't know what to do.... you're going to turn out to be a jackass and have jackass children and just keep multiplying... I wish we could stop that already.

I think the evolution theory is wrong, we are devolving, fucking up more and more... ruining the world more effectively and at faster rate than ever before.

Joe hates stupid people and wishes he could just point at them and make them sterile.... PEACE

Peds?

So I'm beginning to think that maybe peds is an option...I think I'm just confused by all of the cute kids.

Yesterday, I got put in my place by neurology. Dr. Pinter literally talks faster than I can think. He makes faces, sounds, plays with kids, analyzes their development and notes every aspect of the kid, while doing calculations in his head at the same freaking time. The man is smart...I was impressed.

ED was awesome. Saw my first sickle cell crises...I finally understand. It sucks...girl was in pain of 9 or 10 all night...all drugged up on morphine, vicodin, motrin and some other morphine derivative. In pain for days at a time...man. I'm sorry. Then I saw a kid with a huge fro who kept yelping and jumping on the bed. Had to check out his rash. Kid jumped off the bed and ran around the room naked and yelling. haha. too cute. Then I saw a couple of giggly girls who wouldn't stop laughing behind the curtains...I got strange looks from the nurses after seeing those kids.

I know this is boring to read, but I'm seriously journaling at this point.

Saw a pretty crazy patient in the outpatient setting. 16 year old girl presents with a 1 month history of 24 lbs weight loss and nausea and emesis during the past 4 days. She exhibited orthostatic hypotension, severe thrist and recent history of frequency. This poor kid was going into DKA shock right before my eyes...complete with shaking and shit. Kid found out that she had to take insulin every day for the rest of her life and she just started bawling...damn...poor kid. During the whole history, my preceptor and I kept just looking at each other thinking shit...we've gotta admit this kid fast across town at endo.

Anyhow...who knows? Maybe peds is for me. Maybe I'm loving it because it's novel or because the people I work with love it so much. Either way, like a lot of other fieds, it's underserved in a huge way in the way of female pediatricians. Seriously...I don't feel comfortable tanner staging a teenage girl. On to light things...

Today I got a taste of the dark side...and let me tell you. It tastes good. Some pharma guys came by to the adult side of the clinic. While my preceptor kept trying to bum some free allegra and shit for self use, I got breakfast burritos and fresh squeezed OJ for breakfast, and some Jamba Juice for lunch. Yea, I know, but does it really matter if I'm dispensing from a formulary on the other side of the clinic? Maybe...

-bender out

The end of a great week

I'm sad to leave the nursery. Had the most amazing day today. Found patients with Factor V deficiency. The prevalence of this thing is 1 in a million. Only 150 people in the world with this thing. My family had a specific factor V mutation, rather than a recessive mutation, so it's even more rare. I was talking to the baby's grandma and I had a blast. Screw professionalism...I was like....shiiiit....damn woman. We were laughing it up and she had me calling her worm, cuz her maiden name was wurm, the german form. Read up on it, wrote it up and totally impressed the house staff. Damn...I'm flying on angel's wings today...I know it ain't gonna get better than this. God let me thank you for another day.

-bender

too much fun

Man...today was a day for the ages. Shit happened, but I had a blast doing it. I helped with 2 circumcisions today. It was actually really pathetic. I became really faint and nauseous and almost passed out while they were performing the circumcision. While prepping the 2nd baby for circumcision, I had to change the baby's diaper because it had pooped itself. When i lifted the baby's legs with my hand to slide another diaper under, the baby let loose with some foul green diarrhea all over my tie, shirt and pants. Suffice it to say that things went directly into the trash despite my attending's insistence that dry cleaning would get all the shit right out. Whatever dude.

On a sidenote, I don't know what is wrong with me. I've developed crushes on all of my residents and a member of the nursing staff already. Something about working in the nursery makes me all warm and fuzzy and loving inside. Sunday is my last day. It makes me sad.

-bender

date 7/6/06 time 1830

So I've officially finished my second day in the newborn nursery. It's freaking exhausting, but the most amazing experience ever. I love my interns. One guy is this incredibly corny hillbilly from ohio who cracks corny jokes like you've got the huang patient and that patient is liang gone. The other intern is a taiwanese cutie who happens to be a good friend of one of my undergrad buddies. Small world. The light of my nursery is the senior resident, this amazing charming lady from Mississippi with the sweetest voice. I adore her accent. Anyhow, that's my team.

My patients. Wow, I've been learning a lot. Had a mother throw a fit because she has lupus and we wouldn't let her leave the hospital. According to her culture, her child had to eat special foods on the third day to protect him from the evil spirits. Plus her husband was tired from driving back and forth bringing her purified chicken. These patients and their families are charming...you really fall in love with them. I am normally not a big fan of government handouts, but I love the family that I've been taking care. I worked all morning with the social worker, working every loophole, disability act, medical and social support I could find to make sure that they could afford to take care of my boy. I love that kid...almost shit in my pants when he rolled into my nursery hypothermic and hypoglycemic.

Kids are these tiny precious things...Saw something beautiful today. A perfect little girl was born today. As I walked into the room, I was greeted by a happy room full of uncles, aunts, nephews, cousins, siblings...all excited to see the new baby girl. That is how it should be every single fucking time. Almost started crying...I mean, babies are precious gifts. It's a new life, full of wonder and mystery. You should celebrate it. It should NOT be the 9 month kid who got gonorrhea after getting raped by a pimp while his crack whore mom was out turning tricks to get dope. Fuck. They're just little kids...don't know nothing. Done nothing wrong. Fucking crying and helpless. What about the HIV infected babies...the list goes on and on. It's been an amazing experience.

Symbols are powerful things. So I've got a white coat on. Had a 60+ year old man bow to me and his voice cracked with nervousness as I walked by. Shit...I'm just a kid. I should be bowing to you. I'm just a little shit. Damn...I am very privileged. I don't deserve this...one last thing. The classmate that I am working with is awesome...totally had my back. Has his shit down. I always thought he was a slacker, but he is winning me over, rather quickly at that. I'd be very comfortable putting my life in mr nathaniel's hands. It's been a long week, but I'm learning a lot. I'm gonna really miss the nursing staff and the cleaning staff when this week ends. Seriously...they make me happy. I have chosen the right profession.

-bender

damn summer heat...

So today I patched up a hole in the wall of my bedroom. and started preparing the stairs to be painted. damn it sucked... it was so hot and blech. It's not so bad once I get started because once you're sweating up a storm it doesn't really matter, it's just up until that point.. it's a bitch.

Working at this new restaurant has been pretty funny, I never realized how stupid people are. A couple of my coworkers kept asking me "what cut is the halibut?", "is it better than the Filet cut"... yeah... I mean, I try to be nice, but dude... you work at a restaurant, show some pride in what you do. I don't expect people to know the exotic stuff, hell I don't even expect them to be able to distinguish a rosette and a swirl on a pie but whatever. I guess I've just had some good jobs where I wasn't exposed to stupidity before. The bad part is, these people are nice... just not bright. I guess I shouldn't be such a judging arrogant bastard... gosh I hate myself sometimes.

Talking to Jenn has opened up a lot of things for me. I think being honest with myself and with her has helped out a lot. Don't buy a wedding gift just yet, we could just as easily be too different. But at least now I can look her in the eyes with no regret and no that it wasn't meant to be because it wasn't meant to be, not because we were dishonest.

"a man who thinks he can and a man who thinks he can't.... are BOTH right"

Joe is hoping he makes the best choices he can.

Six years in a row

Takeru Kobayashi holds the coveted Mustard Belt after winning the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Competition. Kobayashi won his sixth straight title by beating his own record and eating 53 and 3/4 hot dogs.

-bender

Damn...

Sometimes, I hate my friends. This is my old roomie's comments after reading my facebook page.

"i just read this crap for the first time, and this is all i have to say.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

sack up my man, sack up."

damn...bastard

-bender

updated

boc

bender

7/2/06

I officially begin my first day in the hospital as a third year medical school tomorrow at 4 pm in the newborn nursery after peds orientation lets out at 4 pm. I'm scared shitless, but I think I'm mentally ready. Went to church today and took communion, came home and bawled my eyes out to Finding Nemo. I guess that officially makes me ready for peds.

Orientation in general was pretty boring, but there were a couple things that stuck with me. A guy with MS gave a talk. This guy was a UCD med grad and did his residency at Michigan, doing 118 hours a week. Five years into his practice, he came down with MS and had to quit because he could only work an hour a day or so. His meds are ridiculously expensive, he is broke, his friends and family has largely abandoned him. He was a broken bitter man...but I remembered his last comment. Remember what side of the bed you're on. On the right side is the doctor, in the bed is the patient. The patient doesn't want to be there and is somebody's mom, grandma, sister, whatever. Gotta daily remind myself that they don't wanna be there and I need to do whatever is in my power to give them whatever peace I can bring to the table. All this learning and staying up and all this shit...it's a huge privilege. I'm here because somebody thought that I could handle it and I will hear shit about people's lives that their kids and friends don't even know. It's an awesome responsibility . Don't know exactly what my schedule is gonna be like from now on, so I guess I'll mostly be posting this as a diary, largely for my benefit. =D

On a sidenote, I'm dogsitting this weekend for a friend. Man...this dog is a punk. Seriously...wins the award for least friendly dog ever. Never is happy to see me, bugs me until I pet it, then snaps at me to stop. Barks/growls whenever he wants something. Paws me to death when it needs to shit. Gives me no peace...comes and looks at me with those puppy-dog eyes when I'm eating so I get guilt tripped into feeding him pieces of chicken and watermelon from my meals. What a little bastard. dumb dog...I guess it's because it's old. Sleeps all days. Maybe he has arthritis, because all of his joints crack in the morning when he gets up. Wanted to take him for a walk, but he went crazy when i put a collar on him. Barking, spinning in circles and growling...had to very slowly take the collar off. Damn...gonna stay out of that bitch's way. I feel used.

-bender