do wa ditty

Said I wanna blow (Doo wa)
Just let me blow (Doo wa ditty)
Blow my thing, baby
Blow my thing (Doo wa ditty)

it's new years eve... and I'm faced with the toughest choices of 2006...

party like a crazy sexy freak?? or party with my family? Or... Xbox 360 it up... AHHHH!!!!

Normally this would be a no-brainer... but then again nothing is ever normal for me.

Damn... cousin has Absynthe or however you spell it... think I'm gonna have to go with the familia and get trashed around them. I mean... why not???

Girls will always be there, no need to rush to get some tonight... And the 360 will be mine always and forever...

Oh yeah... one last thing
GO WOLVERINES!!!

-Joe out-

to drink or not to drink

Damn man...

Last night was the best non-date that I wish was a date.. EVER.

Bah... she's fucking awesome dee. Went to Karaoke and she knew every good song. Journey, Sublime, everything man... she was spot on. And her moves, damn... she can dance very well. Drinks Heineken, and loves Salvatores...

I can't wait to start school, and forget about this girl.

Such a heartbreaker...

joe out

tested

Damn...

Never felt like I am feeling right now.

Had a great time... but feeling like I'm being setup for a great fall. If only I was this, or that... but I'm not.

Spent the entire night eating Italian Food, drinking and singing Karaoke with a girl who knows all those old songs I love, dancing with her as if no one else exists. But it was just a mirage, just a good time and nothing more. Well at least I can savor the fun, and will have some more of it.

It's not bad having a good looking friend who also knows how to have some good old fashioned fun, it's just bad if you are unsure of what you want.

The past two evenings I've spent with her were awesome, and tonight might be number 3, and sunday will be 3/4. Just gotta make it through this week then things will be better, I'll get busy and forgot about this lil run.

joe out

I am IRON MAN

Can't wait for next month...

I am so eager to see how I handle this, if I step up and rise to the challenge or crash n burn. If it's anything like I think it is, I'll probably crash n burn. But if it wasn't a challenge, I wouldn't be interested.

I'm happy because most my family has written me off, and I am starting to get the feeling that as many smiles and pats on the back I get, everyone is expecting me to fail. I love that feeling, the back against the wall. Me against the world, and the feeling that I'm completely overlooked and forgotten. Without that, I'd probably never succeed, and I keep telling myself that my dad treats me like a second class son for this very reason. Whatever works man, as long as I make it past this I'll be fine.

I have been drinking heavily lately, and last night was another session I should have skipped out on, but didn't. I am not going to be partying with my friends too much or seeing them once this shit gets started. It's 3 years straight, no summer break, no breaks at all other than a week here or there. I will do my best to visit and hang out but make no promises to anyone whatsoever.

I already sat everyone down and told them that Joe has to change and I'm conscious of this. I won't do it overnight, but I'm gonna have to start now. I burned the pics last night, threw the shirts away, and said my last goodbye to the weaksauce that I had. Was hard, and I was being a lil bitch last night but Che and Serg got me through it and helped me burn the pics. Was kinda awesome cuz sergio just got me a special rare orange zippo for my cigars and I got to break it out.

All those fridays and saturdays spent out with the boys, those are gonna be a lot more rare, and the waking up wondering if I'm next to some scary monster girl, well I won't miss those.

Wish you made it here last night Dee, cuz I wanted to tell you this stuff in person, but it's ok. You are smart, you know what I'm doing. You know that I figured out I have to reinvent myself and stop the inconsistencies. I was aware of it, the binge-traits gotta go. The clinging onto the past, all that shit, I know it's there. I know the best way to deal with it but I lag. Well there we go... no more frontin', just me and my demons going mono y mono.

Where I'll end up, is a mystery to me. Will I get the opportunity to open the restaurant? Will I end up just running other peoples shit? Will I end up in the kitchen? So many questions and so confusing but it's ok. I'm not dumb, I have come to the realization that my dreams may never come true, but I gotta shoot for the moon and see where I land. Maybe I'll end up on venus and meet some hot venutian women and have orgies 24/7 until I pass out and die from dehydration due to the crazy h0t steamy alien sex I'll be getting. Or maybe I'll overshoot everything and go out into space and freeze my ass off in the icy cold vast space out there. Oh well...

I had a good run, I jumped around and never settled down. Well I guess I've decided to settle down. I am stupid because I'm taking the hard way out, but then again, it's Joe. I only know how to do things one way, my way (hard way). Pain is how I validate my existence, because if you are happy all the time, it's just not as sweet. If you have that pressure and pain on your shoulder for 90% of the time, it makes that 10% of pleasure that much sweeter.

Onto another topic, I really liked the girly. I'm glad she's around you Bender, she seems like something you could really build on. Just remember

http://iwanttoconquertheworld.blogspot.com/2006/05/females-let-me-give-you-some-advice.html

and enjoy yourself. Bust your ass bro, and live it up. You are doing shit on your terms and going where you said you were gonna go. You didn't lie once when you said you were gonna be a badass doctor. When everyone else was talking about doing this or that, and 99% of them are something else now, because it got to hard, or it got boring or whatever pussy ass excuse... you always hung in and sucked it up. Hehe... I fall in that pussy ass excuse category.. that shows you how badass you are. Get it on bro, like donkey kong.

Peace out

-Joe-

That's What I'm Talking 'Bout!

Bender is at sin city for lame-ass stu's bachelor's party.

One more 'gin

Bah, Christmas is the best and worst time.

Every 14 year old goth or emo kid can probably rant on and on about how it's a holiday created for the masses and for retail stores to rake in cash. It's commercialized and everything else.

Why should we be nice to each other during the holidays but make excuses for being asses during the non-holidays? Well this is shit we all know and all don't care about.

So this blog won't be about that.

It's also played out that people blog about shit they are thankful for, and how the next year they are planning to make up some stupid resolution and stick to it.

This blog won't be about that crap either.

Everyone and their mom does a nice reflective blog about the past year and experiences and how they have grown from that.

Also won't be bringing that up either.

NOPE, this blog is going to be a nice simple blog about sunflower seeds and how awesome they are. Seriously, it may be some psych condition I have with my mouth (I know I'm gonna get shit for saying that) but yeah I like to chew on shit like fingernails, straws, pens, nuts. And most importantly... sunflower seeds.

DAMN they are so awesome, I mean they are nice and small so you can just throw a whole handful in your mouth and chomp away. Some people like to eat the seeds and shell (we refer to these people as sick and twisted) and the normal peeps who crack the shell and eat the seeds, and the very very few who only eat the shells (only met 1 person like this in my life, total wacko). It's weird but it reflects society so well, always the normal, abnormal, and the just plain old WTF are you thinking people.

Yeah.. so sunflower seeds... go get em.

Gotta eat em all.

Joe out

It's been one helluva week

All I can say is that it has been one helluva week. Joe can attest to that. It'd take forever to chronicle all of the events from this week, but I'll just provide a brief cliff notes synopsis.

Friday 12/15
Joe came up to visit me in sacto. Got ridiculously shitfaced at socal's. Got home around 2am...hilarity ensued. Joe, you owe me.

Saturday:
Got to eat the biggest prime rib ever at Claim Jumper's at some random ass city in south bay.

Sunday: Went down to Berkeley for some hoagie's and Zachary's pizza. Bought a million cd's at amoeba's. Storm the gate...diving into bushes! haha.

Monday: Joe cooked dinner for rabbit & co. Had a drink or two at streets...then a few more at Faces. It was karaoke night at faces. Joe, Adam (not pompom) and I sang Journey's Don't stop believing. Then hilarity ensued. Apparantly I sang every song that came on. Some guy hit on rabbit and me and kept telling us to sing songs for him. Then rabbit talked some shit and we got kicked out. good times...Then a little 2k7. Stupid #4.

Tuesday: Drove back down to LA.

Wednesday: Laker game. Awesome comeback - go andrew, vlad and mo.

Thursday: Got to see my boys Nelson and Brian. Brian and I go way back to 2nd grade. Had a few drinks at the Arsenal and a lil chillin'. Highlights of the night include yelling out Megan's Law, complete with high 5's, and getting dirty looks from the girls around us. Whatever. They wanted us. haha.

Friday night...going drinking with J and her new boy. This ought to be interesting...

hmm...the week doesn't sound as exciting in this format. Oh well. whatever.

-bender

despair.com

ah...an old time favorite. I've put these up before, but they're still fun and relevant.

My views on medical school:























And an add-on from Engrish.com



-bender

word

representin' BOC

-bender

done with FP...kinda

Today was my last day in my FP outpatient clinic.

Things I won't miss: the old ladies that never shut up. For annual checkups, we ask a long list of questions called the review of system. It goes along the lines of do you have headaches, nausea, vomiting, visual changes, etc. It's a long ass list that you try to run through as quickly as possible. The right answer to each and every one of these questions is no. =D Anyhow, had a lady that had a story to every single question. Do you have headaches?..."well, when I was 5 I used to have headaches once in a while...5 years ago I got a headache when I hit my head. Sometimes I get headaches and I take tylenol. I don't think..." ok. Next question, visual problems "It's funny that you ask that. I can see far, but not close. I wear these glasses, but I don't like the color. Do you think it makes my nose look big?"...the best part is when she starts cold clocking you and asks why this is taking so long. ugh...I was literally screaming and praying for death in my head.

What I will miss about my clinic. Lunch time football in the hallways with my boy Kirk with stuffed animals, compliments of Actos. The best part is scaring the kids with his dislocatable thumb.



-bender

Stupid Clowns

Seriously, since we are on the topic of things that annoy us. How about crazy ass clowns. Seriously, they piss me off. Why do they gotta be scaring people and eating people? Like that bastard Pennywise from IT by Stephen King. Seriously, that guys a dickhead with no soul.

Ok, so bad news, the header and exhaust manifold are bent and need to be replaced. On one hand I am sooooooooooooooo pissed off and upset that Aeris isn't finished. BUT at the same time I get so giddy with excitement at the fact that I'm going to get more time to take her apart and fix her. I coulda easily had the shop fix her for a nice hefty fee. But I decided to buy the parts and do it myself. I mean, she is mine, and only mine. My first car, that I actually picked out, not a hand me down, not anything but 100% what I wanted.

Talked to my dad, he was like, you shoulda just got a new car. But after thinking about it, I needed Aeris. More than I've needed anything this past year, I needed her. She gave me something to do, she gave me someone to talk to. Most importantly, I've learned about mechanics, and cars. I've never done shit on cars really, but seriously... I can take apart suspensions, manifolds, intake systems, heater cores, alternators, everything. Not only that, but I've learned how to install sensors, and in about a week I'm about to start messing with electrical as I rewire some nifty gadgets I've decided to put on her.

I'm sure Dee thinks I'm crazy, he thinks I'm the oddball guy who can never settle down, never calm down. And he's right, but that's also why I am Joe, if I was any other way... we might not be friends.

But... this I do at least swear... Culinary will be what I finish. The next 3 years will be hard and tiring, but I'll stick by it. Just make sure you show up when I walk, because I probably won't have any other friends show up cuz I've cast them all away. I gotta at least have Aeris and Dee there to take a picture with me with my gay chef suit. hehe..

Joe out

Damn...pet peeve

Seriously, I just have a few big pet peeves. I seriously can't stand it when people promise something, give their word, and then don't follow through. It's even worse when they act like the promise was never made. Seriously, man up and don't be cheap with your words. Don't get people excited, then jack 'em. What happened was nothing, but seriously, I've lost all respect for my staff.

Two weeks ago, the medical assistant staff and I made big plans to go out drinking this Tuesday. We seriously talked about it every day and I switched around my schedule so that we could go out. Tuesday came around and then all of a sudden they had a class they had to go to. Whatever. So we switched it to Wednesday. Shuffled around my schedule around so that I could go out and buy a round for the staff. Half no showed and the rest had a final. I was annoyed. They knew about their exams, etc. weeks in advance. Why reschedule, just to no show on me. Then it gets better. One of the guys I work closely with promised to make me breakfast because he felt guilty. Took the order, down to the type of sprinkles I wanted. I went out and got some syrup from IHOP just for the event. Never happened. Doesn't even mention it. The no show staff member doesn't make eye contact with me anymore. No I'm sorry. Just a nervous...oh, you're still here? This is after being chummy for a month now.

wtf? No I'm sorry. Nothing. Seriously, I hate it when people do that. These are small things, so I wouldn't really give a fuck or a second thought about what happened if they had apologized. Don't make promises you can't keep. It speaks volumes about your character. Don't break your word. I've only got my balls and my word. My balls are already broken, so I don't break my word for no one. Have some dignity and own up.

-bender

peds...

After finishing 3 rotations, the only thing that I'm sure of is that I really enjoy working with the pediatric population. For many reasons, I'm still very uncomfortable working with teenage girls. I'm worried they'll be my deal-breaker. Had a nightmare interaction today.

A 16 y/o teenage girl came in with migraine headaches. Standard issue stuff. The medicine part was fine. It started getting really awkward when she seemed to keep flirting with me. Big eyes, teases, giggles, the works. The horror of it all was that mom was sitting in the corner the whole time giving me dirty looks. I tried to be nice, but I kept getting flustered and kept laughing because she just made me so damn uncomfortable. I managed to stumble my way through the physical exam, mumble something under my breath and send her off on her merry way with her Imitrex. Mom shot me a nasty look on my way out. Damn...I feel like a dirty old man. Ugh...perhaps that's my draw to Urology: All dick all the time.

-bender

I love the onion

Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!

-bender

almost there

by any means necessary, she's almost there...

My reason is that they won't have to persuade
Me to have the courage to walk right up and say it to your face
A faker never know he fake
A hater never admit he hate
By the time they figure it out is probably gon be too late
frontin by chamillionaire

Don't be that guy anymore... work at it, and you can do it.

-joe-

damn cigar smell on my hand

Can you say clutch factor?

Last night I thought I was going to suffocate, was on the rooftop ready to fall and stay down for the count. Then the next thing I know, I am sitting in my garage smoking a cigar with Aeris and my two boys show up to rescue me from fucking up. The last thing I remember is them all laughing and me knocking out at my house.

It's the times like this I need to focus on, not on the damage and pain inflicted on me. In less than 15 minutes I had my family their to take care of me when I wasn't able to be the strong willed bastard I normally am. The funny thing is not one of them let me even think about the issue at hand because in their mind there was nothing to think of. You can't be timid or scared of anything, because you are Joe, and we all know Joe as the fast paced relentless arrogant shithead who takes no prisoners.

What am I sniveling over anyways, it's not like I won't have other girls, or another girl (if I'm lucky and find a good one). Finding that special someone is a pain in the ass. People put so much focus on it and I guess it's hard not to get caught up searching for that special someone. But not enough focus is on what it truly is all about, and that's about teaming up with the right core, and I think I got a good core going on. I've got people there to tell me when I'm starting to "die" and the good Joe we all know and love is starting to disappear, and I've got guys to tell me when I have met a good girl who isn't trying to change Joe.

Best part of last night, didn't need the bottle. I thought about it, but decided a nice cigar and some time outside talking to my car would be better. Boy was I right.

Big shoutouts to Che and Sergio, for showing up in a heartbeat to bring me back to my senses and feet.

-Joe

no need to panic

Don't stress it too much Dee

I'm not depressed, I'm not suicidal or anything. I just had a void of stuff, anything... in my life. It was so mundane that it just caused me to overanalyze everything. But I have found my hobby, I have found something to kickstart myself on and to keep myself occupied with. Her name is Aeris, and she got her first car wash last night. I'm going to replace her o2 sensors today, then put in a new IAC valve and maybe a new TPS next week. She really sounds sexy, and once I give her a tuneup today she'll probably sound a lot better. I have spent the past 3 days in my garage with her, and I can honestly say she has rejuvenated me. I am not one to "rice out" my car but I think I will be spending a lot of time with it. Not so much making her look like a spaceship, but just keeping her looking sexy. I am going to go shopping for some mats for her later today while I'm out looking for o2 sensors. I can't decide on whether I want SVT mats, or Focus mats, OR cobra mats? So many choices, well I am off to play with my girlfriend, and make her the sexy hunk of fiberglass she was meant to be.

joe out, and feeling better now that he's not idle on his sofa...

p.s. I'm going on another hike with the boyscouts tomorrow, super excited about that.

I feel like doing something stupid

Anyone interested in going skydiving or bridge jumping with me?

-bender

Damn...it sucks to be ghetto

Today was rather surreal. I only saw a handful of patients, but the ones that I did see had serious psychosocial problems.

My first patient hasn't been able to work for the past 4 months because of serious migraine headaches that take him down every day. He has trouble handling stress, so he has weekly anxiety attacks and his wife and kid are gone now because he has anger management issues. The big tough guy came crying to me because of how miserable he was. He can't afford real meds, so he is on excedrin migraine. I wish I could help you buddy. The weirdest past is, it's the most wonderful time of the year was playing in the background. Maybe for people like me.

My next patient took me 2 hours to see. She has really bad lupus, RA, HSV-1 and a host of other problems. She is in so much pain that she can barely get through the day, so she can't work. No job = no health coverage. Her husband cheated on her and left her with a kid, who is 5 and starting to have lupus flare-ups. She can't afford any of her meds. She finally got medi-cal. The one med that works is making her blind. She unloaded on me the minute I walked in and just started bawling.

Man...medicine is such a privilege, but a huge burden. Hard to go home and enjoy your beer when you know shit like that is going down in people's lives every day. I know you're not supposed to bring your work home, but it's hard and it's draining. I'm not gonna be the little bitch who goes crying to his significant other. Damn...the state of medicine is a sad affair indeed.

-bender

this blog actually took 9 hours to write, sorry for the breaks in between

You don't know how much I need you
While you're near me I don't feel blue
And when we kiss I know you need me too
I can't believe I've found a love that's so pure and true

But it all was bullshit
It was a goddamn joke
And when I think of you ****
I hope you fuckin' choke

I hope you're glad with what you've done to me
I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy
You left me here all alone, tears running constantly

Oh somebody kill me please
Somebody kill me please
I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please
Kill me
I want to die
Put a bullet in my head...

HOURS LATER

So I decided to give up drinking, I've decided not to go to NY despite pressure from my family. Everyone makes their own choices, and has to deal with their choices. I may be an asshole for doing so but I feel like something bad will come to me if I go to NY. At least right now, I feel I've waited long enough on my dream and can't waste much more time. I busted my ass and chopped my hands up fixing Aeris and she needs to go out and play.

I think my goals keep getting dropkicked in the teeth and it annoys me. I look around me and see compromise and it pisses me off. I have to call and setup an interview with Industry Hills soon. I still haven't made up my mind about UCLA and I guess that's mostly because it's hard saying No to my dad when I know he only wants what he thinks is best for me. The thing that eats me up is I love that school and that idea, I just feel they are better suited for someone else. I can't say I wouldn't enjoy the lavish lifestyle that John and David had when I was interning for them but I can't help but feel that I would only be settling.

Hours later (actually after harry potter)

I spent the afternoon upset, trying to be happy about a trivial victory I had with Aeris. The thing that bothers me is that I have this huge void in my chest right now. It hurts, and has hurt so badly since saturday evening. I wish I knew what flipped the switch, but I don't.

Had an unexpected phone call from Bender, I kinda wanted to rip it out in the open but I decided to let it linger a bit. Try and figure it out, I mean there is no sense in saying... I'm hurting, and hurting so bad I haven't slept in 3 days BUT I don't know why. It'd be a pretty retarded conversation that would probably have him scratching his head calling me retarded. And I wouldn't blame him, I have the advantage yet I linger, I sway, back and forth.

I started to wonder, and figure out what it is that is bothering me. Then it hit me, it's me... and it's my mom.

I am becoming her, not settling down, not compromising. Jumping from industry to industry and never blossoming. Enjoying the moment and never setting myself up for success.

I wonder if that is the reason my father gave up on me, he saw too much of my mother in me.

The worst part is my mom was never "the sharpest tool in the shed" so she didn't have that big dream, that grand image and detailed sketch of what could be. Her lifestyle is fitting for her because it is who she is. The thing that bothers me is I got the vision from my dad, the ideals, the tools... to be something. Yet my personality fought with me every step of the way.

I love both my parents, and thank them for their character strengths and flaws they gave me. I just wonder if I can be normal like everyone else, suck it up, and stop being a bitch and do what I was destined to do.

Fuck... did I choose the wrong time to stop drinking.

-joe

Changes

Today was quite a day. I got a parking ticket, bombed the primary care clinical skills exam and was basically told I need remediation by my model patient...but I don't really give a shit.

On to the stuff in life that I'll remember in a week. So apparently people do read my blog. I guess the cat is out. Agnes and I are dating. It's awesome, I'm really happy and lots of warm fuzzies to go around. On the flipside, it's really weird and I'm still getting used to the idea of it. I had a hard time telling rabbit and it was strange today when I ran into pompom, marciamellow and crew at the library. It was just weird and I don't want to become one of those couples that makes other people uncomfortable. Gonna take some time to get used to it.

Lonecoyote understands where I'm coming from, but it's strange being in a normal relationship. For so long I just became used to being in an abusive relationship where I was used and treated like shit all the time. It's strange being with someone who actually wants to be with you. A trip to Chick-Fil-A becomes a delightful treat and I'm amazed when someone arranges their flight plan so that they can spend time with me. What a novel idea. It's nice to find someone who can two-step with me in my utter geekiness and knows how to respect boundaries. Part of me is afraid that it's all going to blow up and I'll be left clinging onto a dream.

-bender

wow...

I can't sleep. I'm glowing. She said yes.

bender

Wow, we are so lucky to have a Kobe

Damn, did you see that third quarter... so tasty.

Anyways, I'm going to the coffee shop tonight. Hopefully the "coffee shop girl" I've been talking to for a while now is there. If she is, I'm making a move, and if not oh well.

Tired as hell... yesterday I had a great day... wootalicious!!