yay for me...kinda...well, not really

Every once in a while, something happens that makes you feel like the man. Everyone thinks my patient has a bread and butter cancer, but the patholoy shows that it's something completely different. I've got it back up with case studies and stats. Pat myself on the back. Sure I'm excited and I'm fucking exhausted, but what's the point. What my patient actually has? Well, it's really rare and really bad. Good job bender...fuck.

-bender

warm fuzzies

I'm on the ob/gyn rotation and let me tell ya, it's rough waters. I feel really lost and small most of the time, and downright stupid all of the time. It's been a tough week...once again. Same story, great individual team members, but it's just hard to work in this system. Need to be very proactive. Patients are really sick and argh...I've been feeling really shitty about my performance. The best thing that happened to me was a lesbian friend tried to interest me in her single friends. I was really touched that she thought I was good enough to set her friends up with...really meant a lot to me. That was probably the nicest feeling I've had in a really long time.

-bender

My House In the Middle of the Street

-bender

putting my faith on the line

while driving back from dinner at baja fresh with cockblock, he was telling me some story that he read about some christian chick who met a guy and gave all the credit to God. Using our scientific minds, we created a double blinded placebo controlled study to put God to the test. I guess placebo will be CB since we all konw that he ain't gonna get any action. Anyhow, CB is gonna pray for me every day for 2 weeks, which strangely enough turns out to be 16 days because the big guy takes Sunday off. Anyhow, he is praying for a girl to ask me out. The stipulations are 1) girl has to be christian (to satisfy religious factor of study) 2) the girl can't be my clerkship partner, 3) the girl has to be fully white.

-Dr. Bender B.S., F.O.S., P.U.S.C., D.R.E.

say it girl...

Just listening to one of my favorite songs, on repeat, being the lil bitch that I am good at being...

When Ive shown you that I just dont care
When Im throwing punches in the air
When Im broken down and I cant stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?

Damn... Sheryl had it so right. It's the moments that are unbearable, where you can't even cry properly and are pushing your loved ones so far away, that they will show you how much you are loved.

I am about to turn old like bender... kinda sucks and gets me depressed. It's weird but I feel like I wasted my college years, because I'm going right back and doing it all over again. It's like someone going to high school twice, wouldn't you just laugh in their face? At least I'm not living with delusions of grandeur, I know I'm a loser desperately trying to be a winner. For the longest time I kept thinking I was a winner who kept losing... haha.. that's hilarious.

Haha, just messing... I'm not a loser, and we all know I've never thought I was. Like Jenn says, I have to be the best at everything so I can say I'm the best.. not to brag but to be able to say... Ehh, been there done that. I studied my ass off for a stupid test that meant nothing to me, just for pride, so no one could tell me I wasn't good enough. I guess it's my own way of challenging myself, if I think someone will question me or call me out, I have to bust my ass to make sure they can't. I guess it's good and bad, because I may focus too much on trivial things just to never lose or be wrong. Everything is a fight for me, my entire life is one big fight... and you may say.. "yeah, so what kid... that's life" but I mean it in a different way, I literally treat everything as a fight, small tasks, jobs, errands... even kissing my gf has to be a fight. Gotta do the best at everything... I even find myself being competitive with myself when I am spooning with Jenn in bed, nagging myself if I'm not as comfortable as I was the night before start to question myself.. start wondering if she's thinking she can find a better guy to spoon with her so then I gotta wake her up, make her rearrange her head, body... just so I can say I got it perfect, I won.

It's funny, cuz just the other day the lil lady was saying how I treat everything like a fight... because I was telling her a story of when I was young and my mom told me that when a woman is on her period.. she is always right. So I was just telling Jenn that pms is the only time I'd let her win, she countered with... why is it you always have to fight? even with your gf? Touche, Jenn... you win this round. (dang, even in my blog)

I guess I'm a fighter... I love to fight, I love to scrap, in life. Life is meaningless without that fight, because I love the feeling of winning... maybe it's a psychological condition I've created for myself, that allows me to feel more significant than I am. Even stupid things, like meat... I'll get mad if my girlfriend tells me a story about her dad eating the best meat, and it being from Texas... GOSH... I just love to argue...

Well enough of that, I'm lucky to have a girl who fought with me and for me, was strong enough to be my girl, and I was strong enough to be her man. When we were at each other's throats.. it was only because we both loved each other... Despite my stupid insecurities and need to always win... I already have.. hopefully soon I'll realize I have all I need and I should enjoy it, but until I wake up.. I'll keep on fighting the good fight.

Thank you all, especially you Bender, you craigslist whore...

one for the ages...

This weekend has been a blur so far. After finishing my shelf exam on Friday, had a blast chillin' at socal's (bar) playing darts and shuffleboard. For future reference, don't taste the shuffleboard powder. It's not salt, or sugar, or sand...and it'll dry the shit out of your throat. Then off to willie's for middle of the night chili this and that, plus onion rings that were much more like onion donuts.

Anyhow, today was amazing. Went to the the state fair with dathinker and his lil sis. Had a blast playing with the cows and goats...they're quite beautiful. Had some funnel cake. Went to the superhero exhibit where the guy who played the hulk from the back in the day movie was signing, taking pictures and all that good stuff. He was buff. Saw an amazing local art exhibit. Walked by a muscle man contest where I saw the buffest 70 year old man period. The sun went down and the glowing lights came on. It is my new happy place. It was a rather grand sight from the giant ferris wheel, apparantly the largest one on the west coast. Topped it off by making the lil sis go on a drop from the a tower, scream at the top of your lungs ride. Walked home and watched Margaret Cho. These summer days, make me feel fine...jasmines something.

-bender

ps. I feel incomplete. It's weird how things change. For example, people are perfectly happy before having kids. If they lose the kids, they're miserable for the rest of their lives. Similar effect with significant others, perhaps not to the degree of previous mention, but enough to be a drag on your day.

drug for the masses...

the bitter bittersweet pill of theonion.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51849

-bender

need crack

getting my BOC fix. On a sidenote, Bender is getting worked like a dog...

silence speaks volumes...

So I've been MIA lately...

Just been staying busy with working two jobs and waiting patiently for school to start. I'm going from working crazy hours to hardly working and the lack of stability is killing me. Car shopping has been brutal but I finally made a decision on what I need to do, rather than get a new car I'm gonna get something used for cheap until I buy my truck/van next year for catering.

I seriously hate the heat... it's been a lot cooler in LA than it was earlier this summer but it's still brutal and being stuck in my car sucks because the A/C works but it throws off the TPS system which causes my car to literally die if not giving the car insane amounts of gas.

Finally shaved my head.. well Jenn and Lawrence did that... not bald but as short as I've had it in about a year... so no more superman swirl (as jenn likes to call it) and no more crazy hair like my grandma calls it. I think it helped though, not so much hair getting me all crazy hot.

I've been kicking it with Lawrence a lot lately which is cool because me and him were close back in the days and I'm glad I looked his ass up again. It's weird how much people can change but you can still read them like a book. We spent saturday at a coffee house with jenn explaining to her how her friend has had a huge crush on her and has been hanging around with hopes to hook up with her but just like lawrences ex and every other girl I know, they refuse to see it. It was hilarious though... oh well, no sweat off my back, cuz that girl is crazy in love with me and always has been.

Dang, I never noticed how INSANE disneyland is, like... SUPER DUPER clean, super duper attention to detail... it's like if communism was possible I think disneyland would be the only place to pull it off. That place is literally perfect (other than the rides breaking down occasionally). I always complain about the price of everything, but just looking at the costs they probably have... I can see why it's so damn expensive, plus... they also gotta make a profit otherwise... why the hell would you even do it. Oh well, that place rocks.. I can see why it's so crazy popular, and even appreciate that crazy attention to cleanliness, detail, and just crazy positive and happy upbeat attitude. Definitely a place I look forward to taking my kids to..

Well I guess that's all I can talk about right now... super tired from everything and getting ready for work..

Keep on trucking..

Joe is out like the Giants after getting hammered by the Boys in Blue..

Get the f*ck out....seriously?

I'm a freaking idiot. I started my first day on heme/onc...that means I see really sick kids with cancer. One of my kids is anemic, i.e. his blood cell level is low and I need to figure out what is going on. The guys in the lab drew some blood from my patient and made a slide so that I can take a look at the red blood cells. If they look funny and have bites taken out of them, I can tell that the cells are getting beat up in the veins, rather than my guy bleeding out. Anyhow, after looking at the slide, I sprayed some windex on my slide to clean it off. We usually put oil on the slide so that we can look at the image in higher resolution. In addition, they normally put a little piece of glass on the slide so that the stuff on the slide is protected. Anyway, when I prayed windex on my slide, my sample literally started dripping off the slide and half the blood ended up on my tissue. I was like...holy shit...I slowly put the slide down and slowly backed away. Damn...I just know I'm gonna hear about this tomorrow.

On a more serious note, today was overall a pretty miserable day. These kids are really sick, and they feel like crap. It's unlike any other organic problem. Broken bone? easy, lets tape it together. Infection? easy, throw some bug poison at it. Arthritis, take an aspirin and call me in the morning. Cancer...it's like this nebulous monster. You never really know what it is. You read about it, but you never really understand it. If you're working as a general doctor, some guy has cancer, you say oh shit, then send him to the specialist. It's kinda different when you're the specialist...you say oh shit. Then you sit there while your patient can't breathe and the babies down the hall are literally screaming their heads off all day cuz they're in pain...until the drugs kick in. Then they wake up, and it starts all over. I have no idea what I'm doing. I literally read all day, and at the end of the day, I'm no wiser than when I first started.

It's gonna be a long two weeks.

-bender

I'm pathetic...

I've reached a new low. I posted an ad on craigslist. I've become one of those people. I don't really want a relationship. Don't want sex. Just lonely I guess. I just really need company from a nice gal who isn't a medical student. Worst case scenario, I end up with a nice story. It'll be like the time my dad had a bad date and he escaped through the bathroom window. The guy is my hero.

-bender

the subconscious is a funny thing

Damn...it's weird. I don't really think of myself as the bitter type. Try to roll with the punches and Joe says. Went to study with my cock block roomie today. We were talking about a classmate who is gonna get married this December. She is a sweet gal, marrying a nice little christian rockst*r. I went on a 5 minute tirade about how he was some loser rocker, and how silly the whole thing was, blah blah blah. Shit, that was just the bitterness coming through. I didn't realize that it was there. Time to start dealing with it one day at a time.

On a sidenote, I pulled a vintage bender today. Went to get some sandwiches for lunch today because I had a 2-for-1 coupon for Mr. Pickle. The cashier was simply one of the hottest girls I've seen in my life. I fumbled through my wallet for a minute, dropping change and shaking. I missed and overshot when she tried to hand me my sandwich. To top it off, I tripped over a chair on my way out. smooth...guess I'm not going back there again for a while.

-bender

ps - Debating whether to ask one of the interns out for a drink. We've got great rapport and she responds really well to flirting. She ain't half bad looking either. She gets all excited when I talk about dating, until I tell her to go check out eye candy on the base. haha. Never gonna work with her again, and if things don't work out, she is gonna be on the military base. =D damn...I need more work.

pps - I hope the airports clear by next weekend. If a guy really wants to have a bomb inside of his colon that is set off by drinking ginger ale on the flight...well, I guess there ain't much I can do about that. I'm more worried about delays. My parents are freaking out because of all the stupid media coverage, but really, if things happen, I have no regrets. I'm flying down for half a day to attend to some family and personal issues.

colon?

Just got some interesting fan mail. How do you recolonize a colon? I always imagined that it'd be like a game of Sid Meyer's Civilization. All the competing bacteria nations duke it out to see who has the biggest dick. Signs that you're doing well - getting tributes from the big dogs like MRSA (equivalent of USA) vs. getting your ass kicked by Vibrio Cholera (equivalent of Aztecs).

-bender

yummy

Today was pretty tough...for the first 6 hours or so during my shift, every other thought was literally I'd give anything to sleep another wink and I wish I had food. Then things got interesting.

Today the pharm students came and brought out a bunch of drugs for us to try out. The drugs are in liquid form and they wanted us to know what we were giving out to our kids. Here is my personal take on a few drugs...

Amoxicillin - bubble gum. Delicious
Clindamycin - tastes like hyped up cough syrup
Prilosec - gross...tastes like ocean water
Cipro - banana flavor...tastes more like a pina colada. The after taste is god nasty and lasts for a really long time. The root beer chaser didn't help too much.
Iron sulfate - tastes like a bloody nose
Colace - cough syrupy
Lasix - energy drink
I don't remember the other drugs I tried out...I hope there aren't any nasty interactions.

On a side note, I'm giving my kid Lactobacillus to recolonize his colon after clinda and vanc therapy. Adverse reaction, serious flatulence. Sometimes I squat by my kids' beds while doing physical exams. I farted in front of my resident today. I'm not sure if she noted, but she hasn't said anything about it yet. It sounded pretty solid, but whatever.

-bender

ps - my team is full of prudes. A guy on my team, jonathan, has an alarm clock for the deaf that shakes his pillow in the morning. Instead of saying that, he said he keeps a vibrator next to his alarm clock to help him wake up. I started cracking up in the middle of rounds. The only person who smiled was a fp captain from travis air base. My attending was not amused. whatever.

Med Students

Damn...I'm blogging a lot. Jotting down my thoughts. I'm working up a complicated case of a 12 year girl presenting with a 3 day history of ascending sensory and motor loss starting distally bilaterally in the LE without further progression. Looking like a variant of guillain-barre, West Nile, possibly MS, less likely tranverse myelitis, and other zebras such as mitochondrial dz. If I were a patient, I think I'd want a med student working me up with the resident. My sole purpose for the last 48 hours has been figuring out what the heck is going on with this kid. I looked up all the stats, broke down each differential by stats, prognosis, most current treatment, etc. I live and breathe to help this kid. btw, she hates me. Anyhow, I'd want someone to do the same for me if I were sick. Just a thought.

-bender

smooth bender...

I went down to the cafeteria to get some lunch with my intern. When she told me she had a boyfriend, my jaw almost dropped to the floor and I was stunned. Shocked, not because she is hideous and who would date such a thing, just was entertaining silly false hopes in my mind. haha. Seriously, I have too much down time on the wards...plus, I need to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve.

On a sidenote, all of my patients on the wards hate me. Even the ones that I don't directly care for give me dirty looks. I love peds, but seriously, teenage girls might be a dealbreaker for me. That makes me very sad...they made my teen years miserable, now they're making my professional life unpleasant.

-bender

priceless

Got some chicken tacos at del taco and spent the last half hour exchanging low blows with my roomie. Damn...good times.

-bender

p.s. email banter

andrew, nice last name. Mr. Hung. haha. Seriously, I'm trying to imagine a Mr. Hung coming in for erectile dysfunction. yea yea. real mature. whatever. haha

re: what's ironic about that is that andrew's going into urology.

haha. Damn...I'm looking forward to this wedding.

What's going on...

Lots of bad energy today, but lets first focus on the positives. A week ago or so, I got a haircut at a place called Buzz; Ace of Fades was closed on Monday. Buzz is my kind of store. A bunch of guys chilling, beer in the fridge, stacks of playboys while ya wait and sports on the tv. It was like walking into a stereotype...quite warm actually. On warm and fuzzy feelings, as if on cue, I'm doing what I always do. I'm starting to crush on my resident...I always do this with women in power. Anyway, she is yummy.

Not so good things. Seriously, I think of kiss ups as second class human beings. Really, grow a spine and stop being a pussy. If you suck, you're gonna get a shitty review and if you rock, who gives a shit if your attending doesn't like you. Be a rockstar. One girl in particular is starting to bug the shit out of jon and me. My new team consists of 5 people. Jon, myself, 2 girls from my class and a pickup girl from the previous class. One of the girls in my class is a ditz, but that's ok as long as she never touches one of my patients. The girl that we picked up from the higher class...seriously, I hate this bitch. Up until today, I thought she was really pretty, sweet and hard working. She is still hot, but she is stupid, and much much worse, super insecure. She totally kisses serious ass whenever an attending or resident comes by. Today was the worst though. We were both helping a resident prep for a talk she was giving during the lunch hour on endocrine function and calcium metabolism. Seriously, this girl did not know shit. She answered every question with - it's involved in a bunch of things. I just took my boards and finished up my rounds in the endocrine clinics, so I can draw out all the pathways from memory. This bitch kept telling the resident that she'll "look it up" and kept spazzing as she frantically searched webpages. As she was doing that, I helped the resident draw out the pathway and explained all the regulatory mechanisms. The stupid bitch kept turning around and saying "I don't think so. Are you sure? Are you positive? Maybe I should look it up." Seriously, you are one stupid bitch. Anyhow, the girl tried to present her "findings" to the group after lunch. She basically said, Vitamin D helps us take in calcium. Then she listed all the esoteric and physiologically unimportant functions of calcium that I listed, such as bone resorption, remodeling and shit like that. Damn...stupid ho. Midway through, I just got so frustrated that I moved to the other side of the room and chilled with jon. Even the resident had a wtf is wrong with you look by the end of the new pickup's frantic search. Damn...this is gonna be a long 2 weeks.

-bender