i'm tired...

So I'm a little over half way through my medicine rotation. I'm pretty tired, not so much physically. I'm emotionally and mentally drained. I have this inner dread that I'm going to go into internal medicine and it's strange. The work isn't terrible, and I really enjoy working with the other docs in medicine. However, I easily see myself getting tired of working with all the delirious/demented old folks and the morbidly obese who can't seem to put the burger/cigarette down. Judge me for losing my compassion and love for the underprivileged, but I'm not so sure that it's what I want in my cards anymore. Every day I think about quitting, but every day I also can't think of anything else that I'd rather be doing. It isn't so much that medicine has been knocking my socks off every day, but I just can't think of anything that really floats my boat at this point in my life.

Medicine has a way of burning you and chipping away at you. The same thing happened when I was on gyn/onc and peds/onc. I get really attached to my patients and I invariably come in after hours to spend time with them. Nothing really gets done in that time and I get to hear them let loose all the stuff that's going on in their lives. Then things happen, they never remember me in the morning and I end up feeling used when I hear them say "hey you, go fetch me a blanket."

There are lots of warm fuzzy feelings, but I get the sense that those are far and few between, especially during your intern year. You're just trying to get all of your work done, fighting with the nurses to get the tests they need and keep your patients from getting snowed overnight. I'm gonna stop pretending that I love medicine and I love getting in tune with my feelings. Sometimes I just wanna sit back, drink beer and watch the ball game. Actually, it's most of the time. I want to swear and laugh at vulgar jokes. This isn't to say that you can't do this in medicine...I'm just tired of feeling evaluated every minute of the day. Ugh...just a few more months.

-bender

fanfukintastic

How do you get so worked up, over so little? Easy, because you are retarded and a dumbass.

You turn something fun into something bad and ruin all that is good.

I think I'm gonna have to call you captain bring down.

Don't look away when I'm talking to you, you know I'm referring to you, Joe.

Iron Man out...

viva las....

Dang, I got no class today, nothing, nada... but I woke up early anyways and hit the books. I think I'm sick in the head. Called Vegas to make sure that my reservations are clear. I'm supposed to be going to Vegas to research and have fun with my peeps. But part of me is fearing this trip, even though I know I shouldn't but I do. I'm going to watch a competition and see what I should expect when I go to compete in Vegas in march. I wish you could be there Bender cuz it's going to be nerve racking in March.

My ex is leaving the bay area for India today. I haven't talked to her in a while but she seems to be doing great. She's been doing her accounting thing since we broke up about 4 years ago, maybe even more. I wanted to call her to rub it in that UCLA killed Cal last night, but decided to let her leave for her trip on a good note so I just avoided the call. Part of me is trying to be nice, because the old Paul, he would not have cared and would have just called or text her. Hehe, I was singing Neil Diamond in class last night and Chicago on wednesday and I'm just laughing thinking about the way the class was looking at me.

Anyways, back to what I actually wanted to blog about. Damn man, I keep meeting the right women at the wrong time. Met this cat named Jennifer, she's an awesome girl and watches football (although she's a Pat's fan and a LT hater), she hates girls who suffer from the princess complex (scary thing is she told me what it meant), and she's totally up to go Karaoke with me. She's part vietnamese so she loves pho and I can totally see her being lazy and getting pho on a weekend. My biggest problem with this chick is our schedules are just super hectic that I've found it damn near impossible to see her outside of class. She's not a culinary student, which I love because I don't want to pursue a girl I have to see all the time because if something goes bad, then you're screwed. This chica just called out to me the second I saw her, and not because she's just this gorgeous girl, because she's attractive but not something I'd say something inappropriate about (like damn that girl is so hot I'd give my left hand to _____( you finish the sentence). Mostly her smile and her anti-la-ish attitude. She was super easy to talk to and approach. She's witty and can keep up with me with my sarcasm and jokes.

She's awesome and a hottie, so we'll see how long before I get shot down.

I just hope I don't do something dumb this weekend, don't want any DBM..

Iron Man out..

sorrow...

I'm sorry for being such a dick to so many people. But seriously, people are douchebags. I'm trying to be on my best behavior and be nice to everyone and take their feelings into consideration, but fuck... it's testing me. I try to be nice and people call me a pussy or push-over, I stop being nice and I'm an asshole. Bah, fuck everyone.

Onto other topics, today was great and bad. I joined the gym finally, and will be working my ass off everyday I'm in Santa Monica. The bad part... I fucked up on our Vichyssoise and it ended up separating due to my misjudgement on the finishing process. I mean my group kicked ass on 4 of 5 soups but the fifth and LAST impression on the Chef, not what I wanted. I took full responsibility since I was the team Lead and made the final decision on all soups. But I felt bad for my two girls because they busted their asses for 5 hours and we coulda been team GOAT, but came up short. I guess it's just the competitor in me that requires me to be the best but yeah, our team kicked ass by far but we weren't perfect. That is killing me, and I think the Chef knew it, cuz he just pulled me off to the side and told me to let it go, but I couldn't. You only get one chance and I fucked it up.

I planned on going to Vegas this weekend and just enjoying the times with everyone, was gonna leave the studying for today and monday, but now... I think I'm gonna take it all with me and dedicate Saturday Morning to studying and memorizing everything. I think I owe it to team "Pink Goat".

I met some interesting people at school so far, and some of them are awesome. Some are annoying, and some are just plain fucking weird. But yeah, I love my small group and I can depend on those girls to bust their asses and do what is needed from them. I felt bad today, so much that I didn't go out drinking with them because I wanted to come home and study and be ready for next week. I hate failure more than anything, but I refuse to ruin anything for someone else. I have always had no problem taking shit for myself, and had no problem slacking off in the past when it only affected myself. But for my friends, I'll throw down like nobodies business.

This is the first time I've ever had to deal with non-intellects in a school environment, or whatever you want to call them. Just normal peeps, doing normal things. It's weird for me, because in the classroom I'm dying of boredom, but they are struggling. It's weird cuz the actual cooking part, I try so hard and am dead even with them, I think they are just talented. At least a few of them, and I'm doing what I can to stay up with them. I knew from the beginning that I couldn't cook for shit, now I'm trying to prove myself wrong.

Another thing I learned, I cook pretty awesome when I'm intoxicated. Last night we went to happy hour during our break and threw down some margaritas, DEFINITELY loosened me up. Hehe, the Chef was laughing because Anna and me were rapping for a good 5 minutes. It was hilarious though. Imagine me and Anna (5 foot 8, somewhat heavy set, corn fed white girl from Iowa) singing Eminem ft. Nate Dawg "shake that ass" while straining 10 gallons of white chicken stock while shaking our asses. Hehe, good times.

Well I'm freaking pooped. Love school, hate failure and I love my classmates. Wouldn't trade this for anything, ever.

Iron Man out...

notes...

What is your purpose for obtaining this education? What will you do once you hone your artistic skill? Who are you doing this for?

I spend about 30-40 hours a week with the same group of people, mondays are my only days with people who are different from me. I got to spend it learning about a girl I'm starting to develop a crush on. I knew right from the beginning when we met that this girl was dangerous. She had every quality I love, and none of the qualities I hate. But I'll save that for another blog. This one... this one is about me and my determination towards... well... I don't know.

I have come into a crossroad that I'm hoping will work itself out. Do I let myself get sucked into the fine dining world. Do I sell my soul for a nice price and try my hand at that. Or... do I keep it real, try to pull off the impossible and create a place where nice food comes affordable for the people that I am, not who I'm trying to be.

I say that because, I'm not rich. I didn't go to Europe for graduation, I didn't get a new car when I was able to drive or graduate. My vision of a new car was Aeris (whom I love so dearly) and I live in east la. Although I don't speak spanish, or hang out with the beaner crowd, I associate with them and feel the same pain as them. I am discriminated against just like them, when certain groups see me, they write me off as some dirty wetback and that's fine. But my dilemma is do I let myself get caught up in this world of cuisine that seems to cater to the rich and predominantly white culture. Or fight that and live a much rougher life trying to bring something back to the environment that produced me.

I always hated those guys who got big, and bust off a lil chump change to the neighborhood and are viewed as great success stories of the community. I hate that people with money get showered with praise. FUCK, it sucks cuz they don't do it for their people, they do it for themselves. It's the teachers, the lawyers doing pro bono work for the community, those people who take the pay cuts to work for non-profit places instead of the better paying private organizations. BAH!!! I just hope I can do something for my people, cuz I look outside and drive through this area every day to go to Santa Monica and I think to myself, I want to get out of here so bad. I wonder if its too late for me, if I've already decided to sell out. Then I make myself feel better by arguing that I won't do it, I will do something for my community. I wonder, are the boyscouts my way of making myself feel better?

Well... I hope you are surviving Bender, and answer your phone every once in a while, you bastard.

Iron Man, is hoping he doesn't have an Iron Man moment and turn to the bottle...

Lightning Crashes

Dang, it's been one heck of a busy month.

So school has been great to me. I'm on the competition team there and will be going to Vegas in march (fingers crossed), long beach and some other places. Just been burying my face in my books and trying to not hang out. It is so sad to call my boys and not be able to go out with them cuz I have a paper to write. Argh, I'm not used to this school shit, and it gets to be annoying sometimes but you know what, I am loving it.

I was going to write about some stuff but decided to save it for another time. I think I'll just rant on coffee shops right now. I DON'T understand how people can go to coffee shops to study, it's just the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. It's super loud with the steamers and blenders, people talking super loud, babies crying... the list just goes on. I literally have looked around the world for a good coffee shop to study at, because... well libraries are too quiet for me (I know, I'm a super picky bitch when it comes to this). Bah, well... anyways... my cousin showed me a really awesome place. It used to be an old mortuary, and it's been converted to a big place for art shows and parties. They sell coffee, food, and ice cream with great enthusiasm. The people there are awesome and very friendly, it's really super big, so they have rooms set up just for studying and it's super quiet. The kicker is this... it's literally 5 minutes away. OMG, I think I died and found my new super secret hangout place. The weird thing is, the coffee they serve is from my cousins coffee roasting company, so I get that familiar flavor. Seriously... life has been so awesome and perfect lately, I'm almost scared that I'm gonna let my guard down and there will be hell to pay.

I have been enjoying everything a lot lately and trying to change the things I dislike about myself (it's very hard) and trying to be a lot more optimistic about things. It's somewhat working for me, but I find certain people bring out the bad in me... they almost try to draw it from me. I find the more and more I am away from these people... the happier I've been. I could use your input Bender, cuz your opinion is probably the only one I value. Well I hope you are ok, and surviving at Kaiser. Keep your head up.

Ironing it up...

dropping the hate

I'm a very bitter and angry person. Always have been, always will be. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I mean, if you control it and use it right... it can keep you where you need to be. If you let it consume you (like I did for so long) it burns you so badly in the end.

Lately I've been exposed to people from all over, I mean... students from Korea, Japan, and even Cairo. Lots of people from the midwest and east coast, all coming to study in Califorkneeah. I find it interesting to hear what they say about my hometown. I've heard very good things, and very bad things. Most things I heard were awesome, and most things I've learned about foriegners has been great. Except one person, who helped me try something new, drop the hate. It wasn't until I heard her disdain for mexicans that I decided to make a conscious effort to stop hating. Hearing her talk was horrible, and I bit my tongue, but dang.... I am happy I met her. Because I think, I'm just as guilty as her.

joe out

damn...

I've had a lot go on in my life these past couple of weeks that I'd love to blog about, but am too lazy to do so. haha. so sad...i'll leave a rain check about -
my ICU experience with codes
iron fist and velvet glove
but for now...BOC
-bender

plowed

 Whoa nellie, I am getting my butt worked like a pinata on a mexican birthday. Hehe, it's actually really fun and tiring. I don't think anyone really knows what the hell a chef does and I think it's probably one of the craziest experiences I've had. This all came to me and I'm still in school. I will probably be getting me some hands on experience soon at a hotel around here or maybe a catering company.

I had my first ACF team meeting today. It was very small and I think it should be a lot bigger next week. I'm just glad I'm on the team and won't have to worry next week like some other people. Sliced my hand again today, wasn't too bad, but my Chef's were telling me I need to slice a finger off or something in order to be initiated. I think I'll pass on that, although I know it's going to happen sooner AND later. That's the thing that scares me, no matter how safe you are, you're slicing something off, and burning yourself, and burning yourself REAL bad. Hehe, hopefully I have some cool battle wounds to show you next time we meet up Bender.

Well I am sick as hell, and it's 11:30pm and I probably will be practicing my cuts for another 2 hours then doing some reading. I can't wait for the weekend already... damn.. feel like such a pussy, I haven't even had classes this week yet, just practice and meetings. Seems like I'm at school every day. Even though I'm only officially at school 3 days a week, I realized that I'm going to be there 6-7 days a week for the next 7 weeks. Then come finals and I'll be there 7 days a week.

This may sound like a whiny and bitching post, but it's not. I love it, this is the most involved I've been in anything in my life, ever... (well aside from wrestling). I am helping out with the culinary club, joining the ACF team, and doing the wines and spirits thing. If I do well enough on my NRA safety exam, I can proctor exams and  then look into becoming a licensed health inspector. HEHE... I can't wait.

Wow...

I'm loving it...

Iron Man out... and Ironing it up on the cutting board.

i am...

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man 75% Robin 55% Catwoman 50% Superman 50% Hulk 50% Iron Man 45% The Flash 45% Green Lantern 40% Supergirl 25% Batman 25% Wonder Woman 20%

You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility.

This can't be right...

Your results:
You are The Joker

The Joker 56% Mr. Freeze 55% Dr. Doom 53% Magneto 48% Apocalypse 48% Riddler 47% Dark Phoenix 47% Mystique 45% Poison Ivy 44% Lex Luthor 43% Venom 43% Green Goblin 41% Juggernaut 41% Two-Face 37% Kingpin 37% Catwoman 34%

The Clown Prince of Crime. You are a brilliant mastermind but are criminally insane. You love to joke around while accomplishing the task at hand. -bender

Day off, burned out.. and bored...

Your results:
You are Iron Man

Iron Man 85% The Flash 80% Spider-Man 80% Green Lantern 75% Superman 70% Robin 65% Batman 60% Hulk 60% Supergirl 50% Wonder Woman 45% Catwoman 30%

Inventor. Businessman. Genius.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

At home, recuperating.. and took these tests... Apparently I AM Iron Man.. Hehe

And I'm also Apocalypse
Your results:
You are Apocalypse

Apocalypse 82% Dr. Doom 78% Magneto 75% Two-Face 69% Mr. Freeze 67% Lex Luthor 67% The Joker 65% Venom 64% Riddler 58% Green Goblin 57% Dark Phoenix 53% Juggernaut 49% Kingpin 46% Mystique 45% Catwoman 42% Poison Ivy 38%

You believe in survival of the fittest and you believe that you are the fittest.

Click here to take the Super Villain Personality Test

Extra Care Healing Handcream

Dang man, I've sliced the shit out of my hands this whole week. And I haven't even had my first cooking class. I guess I've been practicing a lot so I don't look like a rookie at school. Then I remembered, I am a rookie, why try to hide it.

Today is my first cooking class, haha.. more like 11 hours of culinary classes. I hope some of it is a lecture cuz standing for 11 hours in my new shoes, sounds kinda bad. I tried to wear them in yesterday, hope it was enough.

Last night I watched Step Up with Quiche. It was funny cuz for some reason, I'm a sucker for dance movies. I mean Footloose is probably my second most favorite movie of all time, and I was one of 5 people who actually saw "you got served" in the theaters. Hehe, I even saw Center Stage (yes, I know it's a Ballet movie) when it was out. Anyways, I love dancing and music... but the question popped in my head "why do I always date girls who can't or like to dance?". So I guess I'm gonna have to add that to my checklist before a girl can get in the sack with me. Also a colleague of mine advised me, that my last girl friend suffered from the "princess complex". Hehe, I wasn't aware there was a technical term for it, but am pretty glad I know about it now.

Can't wait until this weekend, so I can sit at home and veg out on video games. I probably have two more weeks of just pure school before I start working. BOO!!!

Joe out...

Worst Idea Ever

There's a reason this guy was booed at Sac and not getting playing time at Philly. Aside from the ridiculously overpriced contract, this guy is a over the hill has been. He does not play with any heart. He has a lot of talent, but nothing else that needs to come along with that to add to a championship team.

-bender

Breaking through...

Did some remarkable things today... I bought some shoes for school, and washed some dishes. Shopped for an xbox 360 game and reserved another N64 and Wii.

Other than that... I've done pretty much nada... and it was great. Finished up my essay that's due in week 3, so I'm all caught up in class and just gotta study my cuts tonight and be ready for tomorrows ass whooping.

on a side note... there are way to many fucking Jennifer's and Jennie/Jenny's out there

SERIOUSLY people... can we be more creative with names. How about names like... Teela, Abigail, or Rolanda, maybe... just maybe even Leia.

PEACE...

Joe out

walk it off

In medical school, we have a class called doctoring where we meet in small groups and talk about issues in medical school, medicine and life in general. I have two amazingly talented faculty members who facilitate the class. One is my dean. Anyhow, we got our mid-year evals today...

Most evals just say nice job, talk louder, blah blah. This is probably the best evaluation I've ever gotten. It was painfully honest and pinpointed all of my insecurities. The awkward things I say, the way I get easily distracted, my mannerisms, etc. I knew exactly what they were talking about and it kills me because I've been trying to fix these things my whole life. It's surprisingly painful to hear verbalized the things that you know aren't that hot about yourself. Time to walk it off and work on improving those things that have been holding me back. My advisers did me a huge favor today.

-bender

leaving las vegas...

Ah...Sheryl Crow

A million little insights into my soul:

"Such a muddy line between
The things you want
And the things you have to do"

-bender

Thank you Vi Ly

Long day...

Such a great way to spend my morning though. Orientation started out horrible, felt like the school was treating their entire incoming class as we were all 15. Then all of a sudden, a speaker went up and changed everything. She is the Dean of our Academic Affairs. You can tell by her heavy accent she's not from the US, at least not naturally. I was getting annoyed as soon as I heard her accent, knowing I would have to endure 10-20 minutes of it. Then something happened, she hit it straight up bullseye, what a good 99.99% of us were feeling. She brought a whole room of cranky people up to their feet, so much that she was the only speaker to get a standing ovation.

Wish you were there Dee, she woulda appealed to you as well. She spit it out from the getgo, she told us that we were the weird ones. The artsy fartsy f**kers who dress weird (well not me, but the other peeps). We don't want that conventional 9-5, and will have to work damn hard to scrape together enough money to pay rent once we graduate. We may be talented but we are amongst others who are talented, and we're all small shits on our own. I think at this point we all started to look amongst each other, kinda nodding our heads.

Then she got to the good part, our families... most of whom were not understanding of why we are doing what we are doing. Then she gave us her story, and it made me feel like this tiny campus was the right place for me. She helped me understand what separates me from my dad. She helped me see his situation, not because she said something I haven't thought of, but she had the courage to say... I was lucky that my parents gave me the go ahead to pursue what interested me. That is what got to me, I have the same opportunity, and well... I never saw it.

My dad busted his ass, even though he fucked up a lot, he still worked crazy hours, bought a house, did everything for me and my brother. Neither of us will ever be homeless because of my dad and great grandmother. My dad didn't have the option to go to Stanford because he decided that since he got my mom pregnant that he needed to man up to his wrongs. He was the same as my grandfather, scared of loans, scared of debt. We're mexican (yeah I can see you raising your eyebrow dee, you dick)and we are pretty racist, and scared of being fucked over by the white man. I think we all are, and if you are white and reading this... I don't blame you as an individual or even as a race... the past is the past. They think small time, my whole family does. Dee, you can relate to that... you're family is interested in keeping the whole "korean" thing going and such. They don't see everything, and neither do you or I. We think we are getting wise with our education, but we are just learning new things and making new mistakes.

Anyways, back to my story. My dad knows how to get a stable job, make a good amount of money. Provide everything that is necessary and then some to his family. So for him to step back and watch his oldest son run all over california (berkeley, san diego, santa monica) chasing his dreams. It must be hard, especially when I am so different from him, and his values. But the thing I missed, the thing I hated him for... was not making me feel like he approved of it, or trusted me. When it was me who didn't see that he just wanted his son to have the life he didn't have.

When I was traveling throughout the US for wrestling tournaments my dad once never said "you can't go, we don't have $1,500 to spare for a trip to oregon and colorado". He never once said, quit wrestling and start focusing on your studies like Dennis. Sure he teased me, but he just wanted me to succeed in whatever I did. He saw potential even when I thought he saw me as a lost cause.

I spent the drive home with teary eyes, just wanting to call him to thank him. For signing my loan to let me chase another one of my crazy dreams. For putting his morals and ideas aside and letting me run rampant chasing after what I held him back from doing.

Came home and just cried... the first time I have done so like this in years. The last time I cried like this was when my scholarship to Pitt U. was denied because I failed my medical exam and physical.

I hated myself for everything. I blamed him for so much and felt like the outcast my entire life. But now I see I was just a foolish jackass and ungrateful son. He even called to see how it went today, and spent all last night helping me install a new stereo in my car so I wouldn't die of boredom on the freeway in traffic.

Love you Dad

Tomorrow begins a new day...

Joe Out

a good death

One of the patients on my service has had serious lower GI bleeding from countless diverticuli for the past 4 days. He has gotten >10 units of packed RBC's and suffered an MI a couple of days ago because of volume depletion. Coils didn't work so well at stopping the bleed. Next option is surgery...he'll probably get a necrotic bowel from ischemia, but I guess that's the next best option if he doesn't stop bleeding. He doesn't want any more procedures done...

I'm not very experienced at this, but lying around at an ICU at kaiser bleeding out of your ass doesn't sound like a great way to die. poor guy...

-bender

Cleaning Out My Closet

So I've failed, and failed miserably... at a lot of things. What is it to be a Flores, well if you take a look at my grandfather, and my father, and my great grandfather.. obviously you gotta be booksmart and good at fixing everything with your hands. Well it seems like I fail at both of those, I'm not booksmart like them, and am nowhere near as good as my forefathers at fixing anything with an exception to computers (some of the time).

Just thinking about it depresses me, I'm not a Flores, I'm not destined for greatness like them. I'm not a natural born leader or someone with that type of charisma. I don't glow with awesomeness and confidence in everything I do. I tip my hand anytime I get the chance and always take the big flashy opportunity. I'm probably too extravagant for my own good. I have my insecurities and they cause me a great deal of aggravation because without them I'd probably be damn good at a lot of things instead of mediocre at everything. I'm a jack of all trades and a master of none.

That Jack of All trades bullshit has been getting to me lately as well. I'm tired of being look at as "good" or "mediocre". I want greatness, I want everyone to recognize that I've got the goods. I'm not living for the sake of living, I've never done that and anytime I've tried to do that, I become miserable. I have come to terms with the fact that I'm at my best when I'm trying to prove something to myself ,or quieting someone doubting me.

I spent 3 hours in front of the mirror last night, shouting at myself. Telling myself how worthless I was, how I'd never be as smart as my dad, or loved as my grandfather. I will never be that guy and I came to terms with it. I shouted out what I felt, that I was a loser and that everyone was too nice to say it to me. I'm sure even my best of friends have their doubts about me. Has that ship of success sailed off, have I lost my edge and spark. Probably, hell... I am confident that I lost what it was that made me special. I looked straight into the reflection and called myself a loser,worthless and I meant every word of it.

Well needless to say I feel better, and I am feeling pretty pumped up and excited. Knowing I'm not as good as them, smart as them, or lovable as them... it eggs me on even more. It pushes me harder than anything because knowing my dad thinks I'm a lost cause, and focuses everything on my brother only feeds my fire.

I want to say that I'm doing this for me, but I'm not, I know I'm not and it's a lie everytime I say it's for me. I'm doing this for him, and for my mom. My whole life all I've wanted was to bring them together in something... now I know what it is. I want them both to say "damn, that kid was worth it". I may be doing it for them, but I'm doing it on my terms, I'm not going to make them proud doing what they want me to do, I'm going to make them proud doing things on my own terms.

Iron Man out...

T-1

It's the evening before starting my medicine rotation. I had an amazing dinner a la hibiscus. Now I'm unwinding to fleetwood mac. I don't know why, but I'm really sweating this rotation. I've had nightmares over the past week and I've just been dreading it. I don't know what I'm worried about. I have no problem with the sleep deprivation or busting my ass for my patients. I'm dreading my medicine/surgery rotation because at some level I know it's a sneak peak into possibly the next decade of my life.

Anyhow, I'm still really confused about what I want go into. I'm torn between peds, meds (some combination of the two) or urology. These next few weeks will really distill my understanding of myself and what I want to do. I wish I could be that confident guy who has clarity of vision to make others believe...to make myself believe. I'm confused about what I want...oddly enough $125k/year, as ridiculous as that sum is in actually, doesn't seem like enough all of a sudden. I'd rather prefer to avoid outpatient medicine although it's what every grain of me believed in until recently.

It's funny. I had this conversation with a friend I grew up with since 2nd grade during my break in LA. He slapped me around a bit and asked me "why don't you know what you want to do yet?" I'm at an excellent medical school and I have all the tools at my disposal to make an informed decision about my future career. I'm not gonna kid myself about my motives. I can joke and say that I like urology because I'm coming back to my first love: my penis. The truth is, the money and lifestyle are the draw. Pretty simple. Bust my ass for 6 years and be set. Doesn't seem like a bad proposition.

There are some things that I rediscovered. The last few weeks reminded me that I've got a really strong circle of friends that would walk through the depths of hell with me. I've got an amazing girl in my life that I am crazy about. We've made huge strides over the past few weeks...I can fart in front of her and she feels comfortable enough to start showing me the crazy. Every girl has the crazy, some just do a better job of hiding it. In many ways, every girl is the same in that respect, just as all guys have a scared shitless insecure kid inside of us that wants to cry out to his mama.

wow...this blog is really tangential.

Everyone talks about how their families are so supportive blah blah. I love my family, but every time I go down to visit my folks in LA, I feel a dead weight on my shoulders. We disagree on most things and tend to keep the conversation very superficial. My last conversation left a really bad taste in my mouth. They have their vision of me marrying a nice korean girl, living in LA, making a boatload of money, being prominent in the church, blah blah. The conversation turned a little ugly. I basically said that I wasn't sure what it meant to be korean...I know the language and I enjoy the food. That is the extent of my understanding, perhaps a little bit about politics. I can't relate to koreans in korea, or even koreans in LA. I've never had close korean friends and have largely been rejected by most koreans until I got into Stanford and became their golden boy. My dad ripped me a new one about me being lazy, it being my fault for not reading more about korean culture and discovering my heritage blah blah. He raised me to be what I have become. Whatever. I'll work with 2nd generation guys, but I can't relate to the 1st generation folks. It's a huge personal failing/character deficit on my part because I'm willing to bust my ass to understand and accommodate all other groups of people as a doctor, but I can't see past my parents' own shortcomings or cultural background. The conversation basically ended at the airport with me saying, let me off, I don't care.

Damn...I need to man up.

-bender

Awesomeness...

Now the time is here
For Iron Man to spread fear
Vengeance from the grave
Kills the people he once saved

How do I manage to do these things... just when I think I've sworn it off... it stumbles in my lap...

Seriously... I gotta start writing a book...

Here's to starting 07 off the right way...

Joe out