L&D

I took my first overnight call at kaiser this past Thursday night. It's definitely not like peds where we finished rounding on the patients at 1am and then crashed for the night. There was a continual flood of pregnant women streaming in through L&D. I've gotta say it was physically the toughest day I've had thus far and am not looking forward to future Thursday nights and my surgery clerkship. Jogging down my memories of the night...

Thursday night was the first time I've been ashamed of my actions in med school. I've embarassed myself before by getting drunk and making train choo choo sounds in front of my dean, but not ashamed. There are 12 labor rooms next to 2 delivery rooms. I usually introduce myself to every patient to make them feel welcome and more comfortable. There was a multip in room 6 that I really wanted to deliver solo. It was the most insincere and awkward introduction I've ever done, and they saw right through me. I wasn't interested in them as people, their comfort or their health for that matter. I walked in there solely with the intent of getting their permission to deliver their third kid. I've never felt so spineless in my life. I talked to my midwife and resident about it and they just looked at me like I was crazy. I'm still walking off that bad taste in my mouth. I'm never gonna do that again.

Other fun memories. Had a woman come in with vaginal bleeding in the 3rd trimester. She was hyperventilating by the time I got in the room because she was so anxious. We normally ask in private if there is any chance of abuse, but ask patients to read a line, then check off that everything is ok if there is another person present in the room. Well, she freaked out, had a panic attack, ripped my notes to shreds and demanded to see the chief doctor that would be taking care of her. I walked out, handed my shredded mini notes to my resident and laughed at the patient with the triage nurse. Later in the night, the resident told me that the women wanted to apologize for her actions. What women? haha. My skin be getting thicker.

The last thing I remember was a code C in the middle of the night. Hour 22 into my call, the attending decided to perform a C section so that we could deliver the baby exactly at 37 weeks...term baby. I kept zoning out, accidentally turned too quickly to my left and slapped my resident's head and eyecover with my then contaminated arm. Whatever. After scrubbing out, my attending kept saying what a great job I did and that I should go into surgery. It took me a while to figure out that he was talking shit...so tired...whatever. Then he kept trying to pimp me with random trivia about lab tests until I just stared him in the eye, then walked away to check on the other patients. That loser needs to shave his wiry goatee...damn punany face.

-bender

daddy needs a new pair of shoes.

Chickity China the Chinese chicken

I so love this song... I had the worst fucking day ever... heard this on the way home from work and was instantly happy.

My neighbors are probably hating me because I've just spent the past hour listening to this song nonstop and then changed over the listening to Tribute by Tenacious D for another hour... oh well... not my fault I like those songs.

Going drinking with the boys tonight in fullerton. It should be interesting but I think I'm gonna pass on the liquor tonight, maybe have one shot with everyone then go sober just because someone is going to have to drive.

Hehe.. Chickity China the Chinese chicken... that shit is hilarious..

Peace

joe out

P.S. Chicks with Lisps... are fucking hot..

Yeah, It feels so good to be back

So I've finally started my recovery from this bastard cold that has been whooping my ass lately. Worked out a lil yesterday, and damn did I sweat up a storm, it felt fucking AWESOME.

Alright so let me give you the lowdown... Uncle Sam has decided that I can't get any money from him until next year's fafsa's are done. SO I can take a private loan out with higher interest and all that bullshit... or wait until next year... the difference is going to be a couple of thousand dollars and that's it. I'm wondering... should I wait... or just say fuck it. I have 5 days to decide and have been thinking about it heavily... along with working mad hours at MC. I know it sounds trivial except that I just bought my car and would like to save as much money as possible just because when I get out I want to pay off the loan asap to start getting financed for a restaurant. SIGH... so many decisions... my dad says to wait and just work, that way I can get as much EXPERIENCE as possible (also he's hoping I apply to UCLA Law in the meantime and change my mind and go there (he's crazy, I'm having a blast doing this shit)) I am up in the air and need to decide PRONTO. Bender if you see this.. give me a call and let me know what you think, you know your opinion on this cuz you are the only person I care to ask with regards to this type of shit.

Onto other things.. I've been working so many DAY shifts that I haven't had the chance to go to DMV to get my fucking car registered so I'm still driving the clunker around.. well I actually drive to work and back so I guess I don't mind. So gay... oh well I so can't wait to drive my SVT, it's just sitting in the garage and I go in there about 3 times a week and talk to it. I haven't named it yet but am debating between two names right now... Aeris and Sara... what do you think? Let me know...

If you are wondering.. yes... sara because one of my ex's name was sara and she was just the most awesome person... wish her the best in what she's doing now.

Onto another topic... I have already started saving up for our trip to seattle so you better not Puss Out bender... Lawrence is in on it so we have our trio all set and we're ready to rock. We need to discuss the days so I can request them off.

Joe is out..

p.s. I've had the urge to buy an Xbox 360 but am waiting for the price to drop.. I saw the new video for Halo Wars and I was completely convinced that along with Dead Rising that this was the right system for me. Now I'm just being a cheap fucker and waiting for the price to drop because there is no way I'm paying 400 for the system.

Let it be...

In medicine we always, or at least we think, do things for a logical reason. The drugs that we administer, the tests that we subject our patients to, the clothes that we wear during surgery. The reasons are because drugs reps tell us to, we don't know what is really going on and we think scrubs are more sterile that the briefs we just ran through the wash cycle. He's joking right? sure.

Anyhow, it's a weird feeling. It's weird that we should have to justify our behavior. I eat because I'm hungry and sleep because I'm tired. The word choices I make and things I choose to do in my free time do not deserve scrutiny. It might provide a peer into my awkward and perverted mind, but why do I feel the need to justify myself? Perhaps it's because I hear comments that I to some degree believe to be true in my mind. Traces of guilt lingering in the dark crevices of my hollow (not hallow) mind.

Do our word choices reflect how we really feel deep inside? I guess it does. Even if I stop calling my roommate a pussy, it doesn't keep from him being one. Perhaps I'm socially maladapted. I don't change my behavior to fit the needs of the attending, residents, friends, etc. I like to think that what you see if what you get, but perhaps I do adjust my behavior more than I like to admit, likely in a maladaptive way. I'm rambling. Screw everything, I'm going to faces today by myself to learn how to country line dance. It's not as arbitrary as polka dancing. Even if it were, I love polka. There are few things as satisfying as polka-ing with a tall girl in knee high boots. Tromping, trailblazing through the crowd and noting the changing pitch of the blazing trumpet.

I can't help but be me. I'm sorry if me isn't always the same.

-bender

p.s. country line dancing was freaking awesome. btw, don't mess with denise. He was a sniper who served three tours in Nam.

Joe?

Sorry I'm bogarting this blog. Where you at?



-bender

Faces

I'll be there.

-bender

Drunk Bastard

So I finally figured out how to use my infrared port to transfer pics from my camera phone to my computer. This is drunk rabbit reaching for paper towels after spilling Willie's chili all over his table and chair.

-bender

Compassion Fatigue

This is an excerpt from a talk I heard this weekend about how people talk about compassion, but don't give a rat's ass about people in need when they see it.

"In Northen California, we love to hear how everybody thinks the San Francisco giants and the Oakland A's are going to do this year and their chances of meeting in the World Series again.

As I've listened to all the projections, I've found myself thinking back to1989 when the two teams went against each other in the World Series. For many of us, the Bay Bridge series - as it was called - was the most important thing in the world. Then minutes before game 3 began, a devastating earthquake - measuring 7.1 on the Richter scale - rocked the Bay Area, bringing death and destruction. The World Series didn't seem that important anymore.

Many people were upset, however, that game 3 was delayed 10 days. In response, Mike Downey of the LA times at the time wrote some things which those of us who are sports fans still need to hear and which our whole country needs to hear regarding our mixed-up priorities.

He wrote:

'When President Kennedy was assassinated, they went ahead and played professional football, because they said he would have wanted it that way. When young Israelies were slaughtered at Munich, they went ahead with the Olympic Games. When President Regan was shot in the street, they went ahead with the college basketball championship game, because they said he would have wanted it that way.

Well, stop wanting it that way. Stop wondering how this earthquake is going to affect San Francisco's pitching rotation. Quit talking about life going on, about business as usual, about what a terrible thing is that just as the Giants and Athletics finally get to meet in a Bay Bridge World Series, the bridge splits in two.

This isn't about the World Series going on. This is world going on. Have some respect. Have some compassion. Stop being a sports fan for once in your life. Be a human being...Northern California will be digging out from under this for weeks, for months, for years. Families are being devastated, children turned into orphans, businesses burned to the ground. And you want to play baseball today? You want to play bloody baseball?'

touche

-bender

Garden State...

True to form, I spent my Friday night at home watching Garden State on my couch, rather than watching Jackass with my roomie. It's amazing on just so many levels, and I find that it expresses the angst I feel in my life without having to say anything.

I love the theme of home. Zach Graf sits in the pool with Natalie Portman and talks about how he misses the notion of home. He has returned home, but it doesn't feel like home again. The journey symbolizes his search for home...the abyss is perfect. We don't know where we're going, and we don't always know where we're going to end up. Yelling at the abyss in a sense mocks and challenges the unknown. In medicine, it's really easy to forget how this whole thing got started and to get bogged down in patients that yell at you about things outside of your control. Albeit the movie is romanticized, but he finds it. He finds the pieces in his life that fit together and give him peace, and that is home.

Joe is like the friend who they tag along with. He seems insane, but he has the best interests of his friend in mind. He is a good, albeit misguided guy.

The scene where natatlie portman starts tap dancing in front of the fireplace is pure gold. How I miss that feeling. That complete and utter vulnerability...the knowledge that I and she are both incredibly fucked up in our heads, but we spin well together.

Crying at the airport...

Joe, I don't know if I told you all of this.

There is a girl that will always be near and dear to my heart and soul named Jenn Yue. She literally stopped time the first time I met her my freshman year at Stanford. I never got over her. At the end of my sophomore year, I applied to study abroad at Oxford so that I could be near her. When she bailed after the whole 9/11 thing erupted, I hoped that I would eventually get over her. I never did, but I did meet someone there.

I met her during the orientation week at Oxford. I ran into her at the pub at St. Catz. She was a bubbly thing that was running around with a mixed Norweigian group. God, I should've known then that she'd get me into trouble. Anyhow, she slipped my mind for a while, then I ran into her again because of a mutual friend that I practiced kendo with. One night I decided to go talk to her, so I got a shot of vodka and went to talk to her. It was golden. We went out for a drink and I had my first Tetley's and got some chips. She asked me if I'd ever date someone like her, and I couldn't resist her. Arm in arm, we walked home.

I fell for her pretty quickly. I remember staying up all night and dancing cheek to cheek to Ella and Louis. We'd go watch the stars and it was game over from then. The funny thing is, I was getting played, but I just could not care less. I went to visit her one day and one of her friends was hanging out with her. She asked me to stay in the hallway and finish cooking up some dinner...overheard her conversation in the stairway. The gestalt of the conversation was that she was picking me over him...didn't realize that he was in the picture. It was a messed up kind of relationship, but absolutely intoxicating.

She was a geography major. That means a lot more at oxford...it is much more akin to sociology/anthropology than geography. Anyhow, it was quite a trip. We went out to jazz clubs, comedy clubs and dressed up for formals. I learned how sweet wine tastes on someone else's lips. She was a blast. She'd sing for me on open mic nights at the local clubs, we went to all the plays in town and all the new art galleries in London. All of my classmates from Stanford thought I was dodgy because I never hung out with them and they always saw me slipping out in the middle of the night from the house.

I can't forget the times I spent there. Incriminating pictures of us at CS Lewis and JR Tolkien's favorite pub, the white horse. Walks in the parks and canals of oxford. It was always picture perfect, because the parks were specifically designed that way. Ice Cream never tasted so good as when we ate it in the pouring rain and full moon, shiver cold, under the cover of a closed storefront. Both of our grades plummeted, but that just fed the madness...absolutely intoxicating.

I'd never felt so alive in my life.

Winter break came, and I knew that I'd never see her again. Took her to the airport, balled the whole way home. My professors were shocked when they saw me, because they thought I had a death in the family. In a way I did. I became an alcoholic for a while...Drank wine for breakfast, was smashed by lunch time and went out to get completely shitfaced in the pubs at night. This went on for quite a while. I didn't know my classmates at all. Suddenly, England became a very cold and dark place. Somehow my hallmates dragged me through the weeks and got me on a plane to Spain to stop the bleeding. My evals from my professors commented most politely, as only the British can, that conclusions are appropriate endings for papers.

Things were also complicated by a slight romance with a hallmate...

I came back home to camp Stanford. Maureen was supposed to be rebound. I didn't pick as carefully as I should have and now I'm paying my dues. I guess I'm a little bit more careful now. At that stage of my life, the greatest thing in life was to love and be loved...

-bender

aw....

-bender

Milan bike show

Seriously, nobody makes sexy bikes like the Italians and Spaniards. It has partly to do with the bright amazing paints that they use, which are banned in the US due to environmental regulations. I've always loved the color celeste green on bianchi bikes. Seriously...Italian bikes are sexy as hell. The sad part is, I'll probably end up with a high end boring American bike in the end, like a Merlin, because American welding of Titanium is superior.

-bender

Here's to looking forward to L&D

-bender

It's only free the first time...

It's that time of the month...

-Bender

I've got too much free time on my hands

Thinking back to an amazing collaborative piece between Walt Disney and Salvadore Dali that fell apart. They tried to complete it per specifications of the original artists and aired it as the opener for The Triplets of Bellevue. I thought it was beautiful





-bender

p.s. Ali G is more entertaining than these flicks. The first clip is some background on the show.







Yo Joe, this last clip is for you.

Family Support

I was working in the breast clinic yesterday and had a 20 year old come in with what seemed like fibroadenomas. We decided to do core biopsies to convince ourselves that this was benign. This girl was a stud. During the entire procedure, she didn't flinch. She didn't even bat an eye. Her family who came to support her was an entirely different matter. The mother, aunt, sister and friend came into the room to watch the procedure. The whole time, they talked about baseball and the local high school football team. When the procedure started, they started screaming things like, 'Oh Shit! Look at the size of that needle! Baby don't look, this is gonna hurt like shit! Oh man...you're gonna be sore tomorrow. Damn...I wouldn't let 'em stick me with that thing.' For the love of God, your freaking daughter is scared about having cancer and you're screaming shit like that. Freaking retards...seriously.

-bender

p.s. I love reading atul gawande's pieces. Complications was fantastic. great article on compensation for doctors' services.

The places you'll go...

At least I can say that my day wasn't uneventful.

I had a nice homecooked meal with a classmate. After dinner, much to my surprise, I ended up singing karaoke and re-enacting scenes from Top Gun.

Then I tried to study at Tupelo...Conversation with a Catholic.

While reading over therapeutic abortions in blueprints, the conversation naturally turned religious. One of my ob/gyn attendings is Christian and chooses not to use any barrier methods as contraception with his wife. He practices the physiologic method and believes that the abstinences during that period draws him closer to his wife. That's great for him, but I'm not sure how that is more religiously sound than say, using a condom. Both acts represent active decisions to avoid pregnancy. I don't feel that one is more God compliant than the other. If we apply strict Jewish standards, intercourse is really only allowed during the times when fertilization is possible in order to comply with purity standards. On other points, I've gotta hand it to the Catholics. One argument against using condoms or any barrier is exactly that, it creates a barrier between the couple. In some sense there is always a reduced level of intimacy because of that barrier. Making love should entail a complete unification of the physical and spiritual...I think that's sexy as hell.

It reminds me of an article I read in the NewYorker about a hasidic jewish couple. There are long stretches of time where the couple cannot touch each other, even to hand the other a set of keys, because the woman is considered impure during this period (no offense intended here). However, because of this restriction, there is an accentuated sense of the sensual in all things normal. The intimacy during the times that follow the observance of purity is amazing. I think that's beautiful. I wouldn't adhere to it, but it's an interesting thought. Perhaps it's like what Margaret Cho said in Notorious CHO, gay sex is unlike any other sex. Society tries to impose restrictions on their behavior and lives, so the almost rebellious nature of the act makes the experience that much more grr...


Anyhow, while studying at Tupelo, there was a guy sitting at the adjacent table who kept staring. He had an amazing shirt and an intoxicating gaze, but I digress. It turned out to be Timothy Green, the artist for the cartoon Aeon Flux. This was post mtv days. He created the artwork for the movie and currently works for DC comics. We had an amazing conversation for about 10 minutes. From then on, it went downhill, but more unpleasant for me, it kept going and going...and going and going. It went over and hour after I was done talking to him because my study partner kept prodding him on because she felt sorry for this lonely soul. Seriously, it was the most draining conversation I have ever had with a stranger. This is a guy who stays up for days and works, then sleeps 2 hours. In hindsight, I'm convinced he is bipolar, and he is probably convinced that I'm gay. whatever.



-bender

Gonna burn this town down

I'm looking for a place where I can burn a lot of baggage this coming weekend. While my boy is asking his girl to share his life with him, I'm gonna debulk and cauterize this cancer in my heart. If anyone wants to salvage a care bear, soft furry creatures or christmas ornaments, please let me know. It's gonna involve flammable liquid, lots of highly toxic fumes and a solid pack of smokes. I know it's illegal, but it's time to say good-bye. Join the party and BYOB.

-bender

p.s. let me know if any of ya know where i can get a metal trash can type thing and a nice open area where I can pull this off so that I don't get cited. hmm...darn. Burning trash releases a shitload of dioxins into the environment. I think I'm gonna have to settle for an effigy or something.

light switch?

Went to grab some frozen yogurt with my roomie and ended up in one our silly semantic games. He thinks that love can be controlled, like a light switch. We can choose when, where and with whom we fall in love with. I tend to disagree. I think he is talking about infatuation, but I'll save that for another conversation. I think we just fall in love...firework and all that shit. I can think of two times in my life where time stopped when I met a girl. Funny thing is, I never ended up dating either of them. Anyhow, yes. I really don't think we can control who we fall for. Wow, another pointless conversation with the bittermelon. haha.

I think we're comfortable agreeing to disagree once again. The only thing we agreed on was I should've taken the big tv when I parted ways with Mo.

-bender

p.s. Spinning Jessica Simpson's - A public affair. It's got that fun 80s spin to it. If you've ever been to an 80s female cover artist concert, you'll know what I'm talking about.

Faces

Looking back in my life, I was never cool per se, but I have always been pretty comfortable with the person I was, or at least trying to become. During the hustle and bustle of everything lately, I've kind of lost myself...

Rock climbing this afternoon was the perfect metaphor for medicine. Crawl up the side of a mountain, come back down, and do it all over again. Albeit, I got to climb Princess Leah, giggidy giggidy ALRITE, but that's beside the point. Anyhow, I had a great time relaxing today with a couple of classmates. After climbing, we grabbed a bite to eat and sat around chit chatting. In a lot of ways, we tried to validate ourselves and our existence. We talked about setting aside time for ourselves and activities to make us more well rounded people. To make us more than just med students, or at least a saner version.

Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? I guess I am. Sometimes, I'm unsure of what to do with myself. Lately, my schedules have been so structured that I'm thrown off course when I have some free time. I end up wasting it doing something silly because I seriously have no idea what to do with myself. I used to like to play my guitar and ride my bike...at least I think I used to. Will it make me more sane to spend a few days each week with my classmates? I mean...it's the same people, right? Perhaps in a different environment. I feel that we're secure, but we are constantly plugging ourselves into the next inner circle, and then onto the next....med school, residency, fellowship, attending. You know, I bet it's rather lonely at the top. You have more peers if you let yourself out earlier. At each level, it becomes a little more difficult for people understand us. It's not because our lives are so hard or so complex. Rather, it's literally a different world. I have a hard time paying for my groceries at the supermarket and interacting normally with the checker because it becomes so foreign to me after I spend a few weeks chugging away at the medical machine.

It's funny. I make a lot of mistakes and I am generally incompetent. I try not to mess up and try to be more like the intern. Then the resident, attending, etc. The funny part is, there's probably some undergrad out there who wants to be like me. Yet, not a day goes by that I can barely stand to be myself. I wonder if the residents and attendings feel that way.

Little by little, I see myself becoming less like normal people. I use different words, look at things differently and often use a machine like approach to something that should be very personal. I can try to deny this is happening by going out drinking, grilling up some small animals with friends, or even charming a few young ladies. eh.

A lot of doctors, professionals in general, lead two different lives. One with their family and one for work. It's kind of hard to mix the two because they're like oil and water. I think that's what I miss about dating. I miss trying out new restaurants and focusing on that moment. I miss the little arguments about which road to take when we're lost. In a way, that's why I act like a retard at inappropriate times. It's a silly rebellion. I know that I'm being groomed into a polished professional, but god, I'm gonna go kicking and screaming. I feel like all of my idiosyncracies, my piccadillos are being ironed out of me...like little imperfections. I know we are not allowed to get mad or be crude. But for crying out loud, it's what makes us human. It's what puts the beat into our hearts and the bounce in our steps. It's what put the love and care about our patients inside us in the first place.

I know I'm rambling, but I just can't help feeling like a part of me is drowning. When I meet new people now, I know I'm boring. I can put on a little shimmy for them, but that's it.

I know that I've still got it in me. I just can't stop smiling sometimes. Today, when Dr. Wallach, my uro/gyn attending, who is hot by the way, said we want our patients pooping logs and not rabbit pellets, I couldn't stop giggling for 10 minutes. When I wink at residents, I can see it in their eyes...a silent understanding. We all need to hold onto the pieces of us that make us unique. It's like we're all living incognito under the guise of medicine.

I've been waiting my entire life to do this. I'm gonna smile, carry a tune and keep up that chin.

These are the faces that we wear...

-bender

Midnight Train....

Today was one bizarre day...

I can honestly say that I'm doing alright, I'm not sitting here wishing for someone else's life, I'm just wishing I was more ambitious and less selfish.

I've never been one who does something for others, I never had those types of goals. I'm no bender, I can't dedicate my life to helping others, putting myself through hell just so I can spend the rest of my life being exposed to people who are not well. I'm no saint, and I'm no genius.

The only time in my life I've felt accomplished is when I did grunt work. I feel more accomplished in one day of baking and whipping and discussing random topics with customers than I ever did at Sony, or working for Bentley's legal team. I can say I am thankful to the big man upstairs. He has always taken care of me, and gave me enough brains and the mouth to con both the smart and dumb into thinking I'm much more than I am. The only problem is now I want to be what I say I can be, I want to be the best at what I do.

spent the whole day thinking about how much I complicate everything and how I need to take a step back and enjoy this shit, cuz it'll all be gone eventually.

joe over and out

P.S. Listening to stories of gangbanging druggy orgies can be quite inspiring, I mean sure it aint my thing but if it makes them happy... do da damn ding.

sour note

Well at least I know..

Bender was right... they don't change... they go right back to themselves and fast.

This time around, I left nothing back, I feel great for some reason. Maybe it's cuz the truth was the truth, there was nothing hidden in the shadows, no unknown x-factor that might have made it be. It just wasn't... and knowing makes me feel better.

I loved, and was loved but it didn't matter... and I feel good about it, left it all on the table and it didn't change a thing.

Joe, glad he knows

damn it....

I need my fix already. Update BOC will ya Craig for the love of God.

-bender

Just another excuse to procrastinate

The fancher garcia college is trying to come up with a fun t-shirt design. Rabbit decided to go with poking fun at dr. garcia's hair. I've decided to pursue the sellout imitation approach.

Here's a hint.



Name the designer.

-bender

Bloodsource

I got the morning off today, so I decided to go and donate some blood. I've gotta say, bloodsource sacramento is a very handsome place. They have you wait in a gazebo surrounded by flowing water. A really pleasant phlebotomist walked me through my recent travel and sexual conquests. Then she drew some blood...damn it, it freaking hurt. Her big ass needle kept rubbing up and pinching my median nerve, so my hand kept cramping and I got jolts of pain shooting up and down my forearm and hand. I might've gotten upset, but I got distracted. Their recovery area is like a movie concession stand...got some nachos, donuts, OJ and some other goodies. Before I knew it, they had me laughing and signing up for another session. Those bastards...

-bender

Seriously, people are retarded

I'm gonna jam my thumb up this crocodile's butt. oh, he is really pissed off now...
After the death of Steve Irwin, there has been a surge in dead stingrays showing up with their tails cut off. It is thought to be revenge for the death of Crocodile hunter. This is so ridiculous. He was the one who decided to go out and play with the stingrays on their home turf. I realize that his death was tragic. However, if you choose to make a living out of playing with rattlesnakes and crocodiles, expect to get bitten once in a while. I imagine that Steve Irwin was well aware of the risks and would not wish retaliation upon the flappy fish folk.

-bender

can't sleep

Despite what the next paragraph may have in it, this is not a post purely about football... I'm just rambling and that happened to be the first topic in my head.

So today my chargers whooped down on the oakland traders. Yeah, I only lived in SD for a year and a half, but my gf still lives there so that counts. Plus I used to like the chargers when I was young (like five or so) because I thought they were owned by the energizer bunny (no joke). My dad was a big Raider fan when I was growing up but stopped following them when they moved up to Oakland. It was all fine and dandy and made it easier for me to like Joe Montana as I got a lil older and I became a niner and chief fan. After I got over him I started to like Drew Bledsoe for some weird reason (mostly cuz I met him and he was a cool guy... I think my uncle knew his brother or relative or something). Since then I moved from being a Patriot to, Bills and then to Dallas (pretty much wherever he played). I still root for him a lot but about 3 years ago I started to like Drew Brees and LT. Now I still root for Brees in N'Orleans and still root for Bledsoe in Dallas, but I think until LA gets a team, I'm a charger fan. I was sad to see them miss the playoffs last year but am excited about them this year. Not happy about the QB situation but I'll live...

Onto more important things... work has been good, and bad... I need better shoes cuz standing all day is a bitch and it's worst when I have to run around the restaurant looking for shit. My managers were talking to me about possible management positions that may become open in the future but I am ignoring them for the time being. I think I want some experience in the back of the house before I make any types of jumps as far as managing goes.

The LA county fair is back, and I'll be going (as usual) with jenn for the 4th consecutive year. It's funny but we never miss the fair, and it's kinda creepy how we were apart for half a year but came back together right before the fair. Well you don't think it's creepy but I do, and that's all that matters really. I've been eating a lot of crap lately so I need to stop that and start running more frequently to counter it. Bah humbug to that shit.

I hope bender is surviving sactown, I think he's starting to become a traitor.. that ratbastard. It's LA til you die, you cocksucker. Oh well, it's cool, I've kinda grown accustomed to him being up there, and think things would be hella weird if he lived in LA again, like too surreal to be real. Alright I'm mumbling now...

Well the Dodgers are looking like they will hold onto the NL West Lead, which is good. And I think I talk about sports entirely way too much. (which is scary cuz bball is my real sport and it's not even in season right now) I hope Jenn can live with it cuz I am already keeping my fanaticism to a low and it already seems to much for her.

If you haven't seen Invincible, kick your own ass, then go watch it.

OK, that's it for sleepy posts

Joe.... OUT

In the spirit of hibiscusfire

dance for me...this is awesome.



-bender

Bad news...

My roommate and I started drinking tonight. Lots of badness...gonna have a really bad hangover tomorrow. I'm sure I'll make a great impression in clinic. shit.

-bender

p.s. After an evening of hugging porcelain and one of the worst hangovers in recent memory, I can happily say that I have no regrets. I had one of the best conversations ever last night and my new attending bought me a gatorade breakfast to replenish my lytes.

TANG

This post should've been done months ago. Yesterday, I hung out with my boy in Davis. I haven't seen him in 3 months. He has lost a lot of weight, but he seems to be keeping it together very well. Since June, I've been trying to help friends recover from surgery and helping other friends deal with losses.

My ID badge always flips around. One side has my picture and the other side has writing with a marker. It stands for TANG, a mnemonic a friend of mine lived her life by.

T: take Care of yourself
A: ask questions
N: no regrets
G: be genuine

I got a call in the middle of the night early in June from my boy attic's sister. She told me that something terrible has happened and that I needed to come out to Davis. I booked it out to davis at 100+mph because I thought my boy was dead. I walked into the house and everyone just looked out at me through puffy eyes.

Angelina Malfitano, my boy's girlfriend had passed away in the morning. She was driving on the river roads and something caused her to drive into the other lane. A huge truck hauling a 3 horse trailer swerved to avoid her, the trailer flipped over and landed on Angelina's car, crushing her and killing her immediately. SF Chronic and Cal Aggie. The body was too mutiliated to be available for showing, but they let the family go in and hold her hand.

The next day, we drove out to the accident site. It was an amazingly peaceful site. Green rolling hills and wind turbines spinning away, making energy. The only evidence of the accident was skid marks and some leftover VW pieces. We spread some flower seeds and I stayed to help bury some roses to mark the location.

It was tragic. She was an amazing girl. She had a nickname for everyone and she really lived her life fully to change the injustices she saw around her. She was going to attend law school, but decided to work in East Los Angeles to work for Teach for America. She spent her summers working in DC to help fight for equal rights, and she counseled students in the LGBT community on campus. She was the right hand man of the chancellor. Her senior honors project detailed the history of the gay and lesbian community in Davis. Her work will be completed, preserved and maintained as a living testament.

Seriously, this girl was sunshine in so many peoples' lives. During the service, I remember a spoken word performance by her boss in the LGBT office. ...I lit a candle to remember Angie...it was short and kept dancing just like her. Then the flame went out. I wasn't ready for it to go out, so I relit it. Just one more dance...

She really gave me the strength go on. I was so bitter and jaded at the end of second year. She taught me to take care of myself and to really love others. That your actions make a difference, butteryfly effect. now she is gone...but I try to keep her memory alive.

During the whole ordeal, I remember being completely exhausted. During the day, myself and a few friends kept a 24 hour watch on our friend to make sure he didn't hurt himself. He just felt so guilty...why didn't he drive with her, why did he ask her to come back, etc...At night I talked to the family to make sure they were ok, and I spent the rest of my time studying for boards. I remember sitting in my kitchen, tired, but feeling really guilty. I was exhausted and my friend was in a world of pain, but in the back of my mind I was worried about studying for boards. I don't believe in ghosts, but for 15 seconds I felt Angelina's presence. She gave me a hug and didn't let me think about anything else. She told me everything was gonna be ok.

Keeping you in my thoughts friend.

-bender

lobster tango

I saw my boy attic today. We had a few drinks after work and then watched the cal vs. minnesota football game. Every other commercial featured red lobster's all you can eat shrimp ad. We had to have some. We drove out to fairfield and started out with giant lobsteritas (margueritas the size of my head). We were a little bummed because they don't carry lobster necklaces anymore. We still had fun because everyone stared jealously at our huge salt rimmed goblets. I loved it. Anyhow we proceeded to eat our curious crustacean friends and stuffed ourselves silly. Sadly, a few fallen soldiers were left behind because we got too full. On the drive back, we harmonized to Bohemian Rhapsody and talked about the cute waitress. In other words, it was another perfect day. My stomach is not happy. Tomorrow morning will confirm that this was the dumbest idea ever...well, maybe second to finishing a giant burrito at guadalajara's to get my picture on the wall next to the guy who needs to stop working out.

-bestared nder

Get a Grip

I'm starting to develop some of the classic symptoms of scurvy, so I decided that my body needs some fruit...damn you la fiesta. Anyhow, I called up a friend in Davis and went out to the farmer's market out there. At the farmer's market, there is a retriever rescue group that tries to get people to adopt dogs. The dogs were adorable and I had fun taking one out for a walk. There was just one thing that bothered me. These dogs had been used for breeding, so their glands were a wee swollen. The dogs had what looked suspiciously like cow udders with giant nipples the size of my fingers dragging across the floor. strange...and how.

-bender

I'm a sexist bastard

Female doctors complain about this problem all of the time. I just was never aware that I had bought into the stereotype, until this past Tuesday.

After watching a laparoscopic procedure, I was standing around in the pre-op area waiting to meet my next patient. While waiting, a lady in scrubs and a poofy hair net started chatting me up. She mentioned that she had seen me in the previous operation and asked me if I was gonna go in for the next case. I described in great detail how bored out of my mind I was in the previous case and that I kept falling asleep as I was leaning against the wall. Then I finally got around to introducing myself. I looked for her nametag to get her name right. She had a white strip...shit. That means resident, not nurse. She was actually the chief resident who was performing the surgeries. yea...it was awkward scrubbing into the next case with her.

-bender

done with gyn/onc

It's been an interesting last two days. Yesterday, I overslept and missed rounding with my team. oops. whatever.

My patient hasn't been doing so hot. When I first met my patient, she was the life of the party. Cracking jokes, making everyone smile, asking me to marry her. Over the last couple of days, she has gone off the deep end, keeps yelling at all of the nursing staff and doctors. Yesterday she called me a sellout and told me that I was just like all of the other doctors...she cut me deep. She yelled at my intern and made her cry. It broke my heart to see her lashing out at everyone because she was in pain, anxious and most importantly, felt that she was not being heard. All she wanted was a new waistband...it was killing me to hear my team talking about "that bitch" and "that crazy, histrionic, bipolar nut." I went up to her after rounding and told her that it was breaking my heart to see her like this. That it was a shame the team didn't get to see the other side of her...the side I gave a ring pop to.

On a lighter note, today was an awfully nice day. I got to watch the team take out a 58 cm ovary. I know it's metric system, so I'll just say it was the size of a 13 gallon trash bag. Anyhow, my partner and I took off early. Got some jamba juice and took a stroll around Mckinley Park. It was really nice because the ducks/geese were out and the rose garden was amazing.

I went back to clinic and met some interesting people. One woman thought she got cancer because of bad karma...penance for behavior in a previous life. Therefore, she decided to treat the cancer with meditation and green light. By green light, I asked if she meant chemotherapy. Nope...she meant green light. um...ok.

My new patient is a trip. She is a really sweet mormon lady who is into holistic healing. She uses frankincense to kill her cancer cells. I jokingly asked if she uses myrrh and gold too...myrr is from a tree sap and gold can cure cancer too. Who knew? I know I shouldn't poke fun at people who use unorthodox remedies. I mean, frankincense and green light is as arbitrary as praying, right? I don't mean to compare my lord and savior to a bottle of scented oils, but it really comes down to whatever gives a person peace. If it be oil, I'm all for it. On a sidenote, the flavored oil: thieves, is yummy.

It was a nice way to end the rotation. My patients gave me big hugs and kisses on my hands and cheeks. It was nice, although I didn't really do anything for them. I didn't treat their cancer...just watched court tv and fed them ice chips.

-bender

Mr Hustle

Casey Motherfuckin' Jacobsen is back. This guy was a stud back in the day at Stanford. I remember going to games and watching him drain trey after trey. It was hilarious to see all the emails going around from girls claiming to have slept with him, then seeing his response saying..."and you are..."

He never did quite shine when he got drafted by Phoenix. Then there was the 05-06 season...say it ain't so Casey. The mighty Casey had struck out. I tried to draft him for my fantasy basketball team...where'd he go? Euroleague Team Tau Ceramica! You've got to be kidding me... But yea, he is back. Gonna be tearing it up in Houston with Yao and T-mac. word...

-bender

It was a good day

Yea we had a good time, packed out stuff up we were on our way...today started off a little shaky. My patient on the gyn/onc service who has had a giant mass in her tummy for 3 months was finally told she had cancer last night. I thought she had known all along...everyone knew, except for her. The doc didn't tell her. Her brother did. Anyhow, she slept not a wink and she just kind of let loose on me all the anger and frustration when I walked in this morning.

I gave her a chance to chill, then I went to go and check up on her later in the day. I made it a point to take off my white coat...it's really heavy and burdensome. If you've never worn one, it's hard to describe. Aside from being weighed down by 20 lbs in books, there a huge psychological burden associated with putting on that damn coat every day. The cool part is, when you graduate, the coats have little pocket holes so that you can stick your hands in your pockets again. But I digress...

For some reason, my patient and I clicked really well when we first met. My attending was horrified as I talked about wanting to go to a drag show and getting drunks with my friends on the weekends. I'm sure my professionalism score will take a hit, but I hit it off with my patient. It turns out she is an old school lesbian. Got married to cure her "disease," but it ended up not working. She struggled with substance abuse issues and she works as a counselor and takes care of her mentally ill sister. She is rich with stories and personality. Plus, we share little South Park inside jokes together.

Being a med student is kind of a weird privileged position. I was there for the surgery, the tumor exploded next to me and I felt her diaphragm and liver edge. I saw the cancers and kind of let out a little scream when the tumor popped out of the belly like the head of the lil creature in the movie, alien. She kept asking me questions about what I saw and what I knew about her condition. It was like fencing, dodging questions, strafing side to side, rephrasing half-truths. I think she knew as well as I that what we had found was badness. It wasn't my place to tell her, but I felt she deserved to know.

It's funny that I fell asleep in Doctoring not two days ago on the techniques of delivering bad news. It's a tough position and it's awesome how much potential there is in that moment to start the healing process, or to mess things up completely.

On a sidenote...my 4th year AI is a she-devil satan spawn. Ray, I love you bro. Thanks for your help.

Another sidenote. My new intern is amazing. She has the most warm and sincere bedside manner of anyone I've ever seen period. Yet, she comes out and doubts herself and if she helped the patient feel a little better about her condition. I am planning to bust my ass for this girl.

-bender

Sex doctor? - You can't spell hormone w/o Ho!

Erf? So I just got a call ~9:30pm from an older Lebanese classmate of mine. How he got my number is beyond me. It turns out that I have to lead a discussion on female sexual dysfunction tomorrow. The funny part is, this discussion will be lead by an old school alpha male and myself. I have never purported to have any carnal knowledge of female sexuality. I find it amusing that I have to lead a discussion for a group of women on what turns them on. This bodes poorly for me.

On a sidenote, the articles are all about women complaining that they have too little sexual desire. I find it hard to believe that women were complaining that they lacked libido. Seems more like a study conducted by their sexually frustrated doctor counterparts. =D

-bender

OB

Is a good Korean beer.

Ob is nothing like what I expected.
1) It is very much a surgical speciality, i.e. that's mostly all that is done with inpatient.
2) I was pleasantly surprised to learn that I really enjoy working with old women. They're so sweet and cute. They come all primped with their nails and hair done for their surgery. It gives them a sense of normality and control, but it is also incredibly charming.



They look something like this

I love my new patient. She is a sweet ole lady from SF here for a TAH/BSO. The surgery was interesting...we removed a mass the size of a basketball. It was fluid filled and exploded like a water balloon and got serosanguinous fluid all over the nurses. It was hot! =D


It looked something like this

On a sidenote, we shameless flirt constantly and she asked me to marry her a few minutes before she bonked out for her operation. I felt kind of bad because one of the AI's wanted to follow her, but she let me have the patient because my sleeping beauty "adores me." haha. What a day.

So I've got a new intern. She seems super cool. We sat around for breakfast and talked mad shit about an AI. It was awesome! Unfortunately, at the end of the day, they seemed buddy buddy...shit. haha. whatever.

-bender

my boys be droppin' like flies

looks like there's gonna be 6 weddings this coming year. Break out the champagne glasses, it's time to celebrate. I'm gonna miss all you bastards.

-bender

thank you

Thanks rabbit. I needed that. Everything is gonna be ok.

-bender

p.s. CB, I know you're trying to help. Thanks.

small world, ain' it? =p

My roomie and I ended up having a modern day Thomas Aquinas versus St. Augustine debate. It wasn't about tyrannicide, but more along the lines of modern day relationships and the greater good. I think we agree to disagree.

p.s.s. - I've been getting comments that I've been starting a lot of my entries with damn...I'll try to be more creative next time.

3 day weekend...so nice

Took my bike out and took a mini tour de Sacto. It was refreshing to catch some nice taildrafts and breeze through the pavement.

On the not so nice side...It's only been a week and I'm dreading going in tomorrow. What we see of medicine from the outside is not how it actually works. We aren't judged on how caring we are and not even necessarily on the level of care we provide to our patients. A lot of it has to do with how much evaluators like you or how well you present yourself. My understanding is that half of the doctors on the best doctors in _____ are great, and the other half are tools. In addition, there is a distinct schism in medicine. Your classmates quickly become doctors that you'd trust with the lives of your children, and doctors that you wouldn't trust to treat your cold.

How ought we produce good doctors? Certain mechanisms are in place to filter out egregious offenders like our super med buddy. What do we do to protect ourselves from becoming bitter docs. My intern is a very pretty gal and I'm sure that she'll get far. However, it's unnerving when she makes sly comments like "your help only increases my workload," then smiles. I can't stand the fake high-pitched "how are you Mrs. so-and-so" every time she comes in to check on my patients. She really doesn't give a fuck, and it shows in that she sighs and throws a shit fit every time I insist on changing drug regimens, dressings, etc. to make my patient more comfortable. For the love of God woman, just sign the damn note. I realize that none of us are immune to the system that is in place. When you're really tired...I mean worn down to the bones, you can relate to the "House of God" mentality where you pray that your patient dies before you get to him so that you don't have to work them up.

Our patients are you and me. They're not fucking livestock or customers. They're human beings and they're scared shitless. Why is it so hard for us as a community to look beyond our needs and wants to meet the obvious needs of our patients? Maybe it's because docs get paid so much in our country, prestige, the high cost of medical school...I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want the 6 figure salary, white fence, big house in the suburbs, trophy wife and 2.5 kids plus dog. But shit...my colleagues are so obsessed with achieving, being the best, performing and all that shit. I have close friends who I don't wish to work with because I know they'll inadvertantly shoot me down. I mean fuck, is it that important to you? Honors is a letter after your name. What the hell is honor anyway? Why does honor in medicine seem to lack integrity, compassion and all those things we regard as honorable to the point where I mock honor in medicine as a shell, or veneer of prestige that encompasses my profession. We have a system that rewards subpar care to our patients. I really believe that.

As a callout to fellow physicans/students. Why are we as a community so fucking bitter? Is our job that tough? Do we clean shit, clean puke, hand feed our patients, give them sponge baths, massage them? We don't actually care for our patients. The nurses do all the dirty work, and I promise you, most of them make less and are generally much more pleasant people than the doctors. They're good people. We write orders and push drugs, yet why are we so quick to bitch? In our essays, we proclaim the virtues of compassion and that one interaction with a patient that broke our hearts. It's all such bullshit. We think we're better people than the nurses, than other people in general. We have this culture of entitlement and egocentricism that is really rather sickening. When we buy into it, we are rewarded.

My soul is threadbare and I need someone who is genuinely loving. I need a hug and a sunburn. The race has only begun.

-bender

agassi retires

Another great retires. It was so much more than him just being good. I didn't bat an eye when Pete retired. I don't really follow tennis, but Agassi was special. Not the same way that Jordan was special to basketball, but more like Vlade and Ginobili. Not like them in that he was a little flopping crybaby pussy. Rather, he played with a lot of heart and really strived to make a difference in all that he did. I remember watching him 3 years ago in the Syban open in San Jose against James Blake. He ripped Blake a new one...it was to the point where Blake threw his racket across the court and screamed "Does this guy ever miss?!" The Agassi that walked off the stage today was a gentler version, albeit one ramped up with injections of steroids (trust me, definitely not performance enhancing) and NSAIDs. He lost his last match and walked off the stage to a standing ovation, with all the class and dignity that Roddick can only hope for. It must have been awkward for Becker...worked his ass just so that he could play in the US Open. Got booed every time he made Agassi run. Then he went back to a locker room where everyone was cheering his opponent and jeering at him. Does one hold back or go for the kill? Sounds a lot like rounding in medicine.

-bender

p.s. I can't believe the men's basketball team got bronze...that's pretty sad considering the talent they had available to work with.

patient care

Damn...This is like my 4th post today. Whatever. Need to get my thoughts down while I still have time.

My roommate knows me pretty well. He comes off as a goof-off, but he actually has great insight...

I made some mistakes in peds...I refused to play the game. I refuse to kiss anyone's ass and I don't like to do stuff purely to shine. I think there are better ways for me to spend my time. I'm slow, so I end up coming in at 4 to pre-round on my patients and I check up on them every couple of hours or so to see how they're doing. For the same reasons, I end up stay a lot later than I planned so that I can read up on every aspect of my patient's care and studies in care. Although I know my patients well, I blunder through my oral presentations and I look lost all the time. My partner comes in a few minutes before rounds, chats up all the seniors and leaves early. My partners shines in rounds because all the numbers are memorized and she is just good at presenting herself in a sweet gentle manner. I know that she is going to get better evals than I am, and I am fine with that. It's just really annoying that, that is the criteria by which we are graded. Those 5 minute interactions, not what we do throughout the day. Maybe I should care more and memorize a few numbers...I just know myself. I'll get flustered and mess it all up. My strengths don't seem to help in med school...I sit and think and theorize about shit. I suck on the fly, and that's what is required. Sometimes it's just hard to keep busting your ass when it feels like it doesn't matter. My roommate got straight to the point...I think I'm a better student because I'm constantly checking up on my patients and reading up on them. So I give my patient tums for her heartburn...the nurse could've done that. I haven't made any difference in the treatment or outcome of my patients. I know my reviews are going to be sub-stellar because I refuse to spend my time polishing my image. My roomie is right...maybe that's how I'm letting my patients down. Conveying clearly and succintly the patient info...that's more important than anything else I'm going to do for the patient. Rabbit says my future patients will benefit. I guess so...It's one week into the rotation...and I'm exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

-bender

Happy Birthday Bro!

Damn...didn't get to chill with you yesterday, but happy birthday bro. It all started with Kelsey's and a lot of goofing off. 8 years later, we're still good to go. I'll go hoist a pint for ya.

-bender

p.s. after a week of gyn and cutting into things that look strangely like cornish hen in surgery, dem women parts have lost their magic. There's a bottle of blue waiting for you to graduate. Tear that shit up.

do you remember?

Damn...why am I titling this entry off of an old Cheesy Phil Collins song? Anyhow, Friday night was long and coming. After putting in 4am-6pmish days in gyn/onc this past week, I needed to go out this Friday night. It's rainbow week in sacramento, so we went out to faces to watch a drag show. It turned out to be a nice little outdoor concert featuring Kristine K. Glow sticks galore and lots of friendly people in a non-threatening environment. In other bars I've been to, the women and men were hostile. It's silly when we all want the same thing. We all want to be comfortable, to have a good time, to feel accepted and loved. How that translates varies widely from person to person. I was happy to give hugs and birthday wishes. Got a peck on the cheek, too bad I turned and knocked her one. =D As always, the night ended with a grand finale with chili cheese fries at faux tommy's.

-bender

p.s. New discovery. Country Line dancing is delightful.